...and by the way...

The silly name I was trying to remember before was The Towers.mi had not written about him in ages! Then, tonight, after so long, Frequent Flyer and I had a long Skype chat. I took the opportunity to tell him point blank that I have deliberately avoided him for my own self preservation. He chose not to touch that, but he did eat up for what he sees as our friendship. What was good tonight was that I was speaking from my place of comfort for me, and what I think is best for myself as my priority. He may want to think whatever he is going to, including nothing at all. That is not my business.

Feelings

Something was challenging me. Again, it was associating with the NGO and trying to make a go of a better relationship with he whose name I cannot remember what I called him...lol. Anyway, I tried to rationalize so many things that I was feeling. He contacted me, he kept up an online relationship with me, and after searching my feelings, I felt that after we met, it might have made sense to see whether I could make a go at a relationship with him. After the first expereince, I found myself already conflicted about what it meant and it did not take me much more time to cut off any romantic beliefs about he and I. But my feelings were unsettled about having so much in common, and yet, having this one thing that was just not right. In my logic, I wanted to salvage something of it, and he wanted business as usual. To me that was easy to ignore, and a chance at friendship seemed fitting. Things were going well, and we even had a bit of fun, with me making it very clear. That real romance would not happen again. Then, one conversation got me to see a side of him that led me to conclude that yet again, I may have wanted to see what I wanted to see, and who he is, I do not really know, and when I state that,I mean yet again, he seems to create in me an awareness of what I refuse to tolerate, and I do not need to experience many things escalating to know what makes me comfortable and what will not work for me. So, I have to be thankful for that. He is a soulmate. To me, he sent mixed signals about an "us." Then, he reached out to me wanting to become a "true friend" I cannot help but look at myself as well. I have to know whether I attract " what I am" am I unable and unwilling to be a friend, a girlfriend, a business partner and now, unable to simply move past apology? All of that may be so, but it is also part of something more important to me. I as I wrote, am feeling many things, and I am taking the time now to get to know myself better, and this means acknowledging that my growth requires seeing sides that I have always kept at bay. To please others. I felt that that was the only way to be. I feel that I need to confront this now. ...................................................................... I claim in all that I write that I want romance, intimacy etc...yet, I have attracted the opposite. So clearly, I have to ask myself what is it that I cannot move past? Hurt is harder to move past than I thought. While life is going on, it is easy to mask hurts. I thought that I was somewhat healing. But acts actually prove whether that is so. I am hurting. Still...which means that I probably expect fairytale outcomes now...things to be over, things to be so much better that I could feel that I have moved past what felt like deep emotional blows. What do you do when you receive bruises? You wait for healing. I thought that by now I would be able to say that I have moved on. But romantically, I have not really been able to. I have punished myself in some way....and this comes from feeling completely rejected by someone I loved so completely. How could they just arbitrarily change their mind like that? How could they just switch off like that? Well, this was not new behavior, you know he used threats as leverage...and as love. This is not about me. This is about being the victim of a bully. That's all it was...and it hurts, STILL? What's bad with a bully as parent or lover, it fucks up your mind. That person is supposed to protect you, not cause you to have to protect yourself. The child in you needs to know that it is not your fault. ............................................................................................ How do you move forward? You just do. You want pretty normal things. You want to have your friendship, your honesty, love, commitment...obvious things, really. So, the bullies victim must build self worthiness. It is way more important to remember who came first for yourself.....TOU. ............................................................................................ Your mind tells you to trust again, and perhaps others let you down. They have their own demons. The petulant child wants a reward. Will I ever find love again? Did I ever even have it? ............................................................................................. I tire of doubt and pretense. I am tired. I have learned that some things are not complicated. They just aren't. So, with that known, getting over this, is one that I have to be consciously knowing I can achieve...and I must clue myself into the fact that I do. It have to expect remoteness to be my future.