and then things changed

My mom fell and fractured her hip. She was in hospital having surgery when one of my dear freind's husband called to tell me that she was on life support. She died the next day after my mom had her surgery. This was so unexpected, devastating news!It has been two days and I am reeling from thinking about how sudden this was. My mom falling was alot and then that was just like removing the ground from under an already shaky foundation. She had been going through a lot in the last few yeards. But she was doing better. She had to come to terms with changing up a huge chunk of her life after having a steady marriage for what should have been forever. But then everything just went pear shaped for them. She was dealing with his addictions after he had steared a safe ship for decades. She felt guilt about how much they were their for each other and how much he had made her life so much better. It had been a good run for them. But as many marriages go, it became a little shaky and she was the one who appeared to have shaken that tree at first. They had seperated and he was devastated, but he found someone in quick stride for a bit. I think that was just a couple of months before they tried again and everything was good. Then he went completely astray and she was dealing with that alone for awhile before she told me. She was deeply apolagetic about the way that she took sides and made light of my situation when I was getting divorced. In fact, she even took my ex-husband's side because I had introduced him to them and he lived with them for a year or two as well. Somehow, although that disappointed me, I think that because I was going through so much, what was directly happening to me was so all encompassing that I couldn't take on what anyone else thought. I appreciated her telling me sorry and she did this more than once. Everything was right again. It hurt to know that she was now facing her own trials, and I did not suggest that she divorce, but I did tell her why I would divorcse and what my experiences were. When we last spoke she was finally considering leaving for good, as he refused to go for any type of councelling after many tries where he even charmed his way out of any good program for addicts. He was out of the house more than he was in and she felt very lonely and disillusioned. But then they were back in the country together here, and he was better, but she was clearly gentle parenting and sometimes ruthless with her comments to him It was hard to look at. Particularly when she was rapidly losing weight and he was not.Yet, to me he was in good spirits in front of me. I was of course filled with the knowledge of otherwise from her. All of this gets me so sad, I feel my heart breaking for this outcome. I will take time to come to terms with it all.

the beauty of time

Writing something that so vexed me felt weird but necessary. Today, I am seeing another side of the whole thing. I remember that my sister is the one rushing all the changes in the house. I have kept telling her that most of the things are not necessary right now - or wait until the finances are more in order. She does not want to do that, so what happened this week was that yet again, whatever she wanted to do, she didn't care that we, the people impacted by her decisions - were not able to assist right away. Her whole rant about me was a smokescreen for her own frustrations about her own plans. The bottom line though is that when one's peace is disturbed by that sort of behavior, inevitably, despite all that you do, you can find frustration creeping into the best intentions. I was so fed up and angry that I just wanted to stop and think about how I would move forward. Her behavior isn't changing. Yet, from time to time, I get caught in her whirlwind. Knowing that this is just the way it is, I have to come to terms with where I am standing and what I want to achieve.

My sister's boyfriend is good for one thing, he sees that she does not talk to me. Sure she sends me instagram stories.But they are never related to what I do or to conversations that mean anything to our relationship. I am at my wits end with this grand charging. All of this can be so easily rectified by proper communication. But I am made to feel as though I am on a timer and if I do not or cannot do something within their time, then it isn't being done at all. What is also bananas is that I feel guilty writing this here. It is as though I am being bullied as I type. I feel this way because of last year. I am coming to realise that I was and I am traumatized by the way that I was treated. I must write about this because I was deeply affected. I do not trust the situation, my sister and her boyfriend. I don't feel heard, cared about....definately not respected by people who want to bully to get their way. I feel abused and I am not going to just lie down and take it.

The last few days of this new month has been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. At this time of year I always find myself feeling overextended and this led for the first time to virtego. It just came upon me suddenly while at the computer. I have been doing a lot of things, working on completing exhibition work for the future...lecturing, fielding messages for the ngo I am involved with...helping one or two friends needing advice...getting materials together for another project...collected my work from an exhibition while taking my daughter to class and also seeing to bills for my mom and aunt. Many things juggling at once. Amidst all of that there is also my sister and her boyfriend constantly pushing for changes at the house. They want to do a number of high cost things that are not convenient, at least not financially relevant right now. To say this to them, to suggest anything other than compliance has been to act ungrateful. He was here last week and he was acting like the king of the hill. I am very uncomfortable with the attitude and he knows this. I have no problem speaking my mind. However I am fully aware that he is my sisters' representative. Today, after thinking that an agreement had been made about all of the things they have insisted they will be doing, I was bombarded indirectly with some nasty comments. Two weeks ago when he was here, I made it clear about the money and went so far to state that I would like to not only know costs, I would like to open an account where a repayment plan could be instated by me, as I felt that his involvement, particularly his money, did not sit well with me at all. Anyway...my sister decided that she wanted to start a Whats App group on the whole thing. I was against it, as I am already in six groups and another is just overkill. In the end I aquiesced and I said that I was doing it for peace. Today,despite being told that the person coming to see to their project was being paid for...she wanted me to contribute. When she heard that I could not do so this week, she went on a tirade about my uselessness etc, etc. What is 'wack' is that no conversations are being had with me. I heard her opinion by being in the room, not from the chat that was made for such. I tell you that I cannot do the situation at this time. I am not saying never and you are not asking me when. You are bullying and demanding and insulting on top of everything else. even to complain here makes me feel wierd. The situation has unsettled me so much! I think a post like this belongs on Reddit's am I the asshole? I know enough to state that I am not. Whenever someone asks that question and states how they are made to feel they can never be called the asshole. But this goes further than that. I understand that she wants to do a bunch of things because she doesn't live in the country. Her relationship with mom is different than my relationship with mom. But when I was at her home last year, she talked about resenting calling home and complained that mom is always complaining and wanting things. Mom was so hurt when I told her what she said, because I know that mom listens to her complaining all the time too. It is a task and a half. This is going long, so I shall do two parts.

the comfort of discomfort

Where to begin but the beginning. This year I suggested to the organization that I am involved in, three projects to boost us. One of them in particular, I worked with someone else and then I got very busy on another project, one related to the organization itself. At first the partner was understanding. But lately I have found some passive aggressive behavior and I am frustrated about it. It is very unfair that this person is sending digs my way when we speak. I have brought up the behavior and I have been very dissatisfied with the vague answers given. I am at my wits end! It is draining quite frankly.However, as I write this, I already feel myself getting past this, and for that, I am grateful.

I just completed a conversation with an old friend and it has invigorated me. This person is so resourceful and I admire the way that they think. They have been totally self made. I have watched them go through things where they have had no support and have stood on their own when believed wrong. But what I truly love about them is that they are always willing to be both a straight shooter and candid about how they make things happen. So inevitably it makes me ask, then what excuses do I really have. Lol. Gotta love them.

Projects

I may have written here that this year I really feel that after all of this time, in some instances, years....the time has come to either make a few projects come to be or get off the pot. In every instance, the issues have occured because I am not doing the concept alone. They are my idea, but I have felt that I needed support to make them happen. I don't feel that way anymore. The intention is to get things done.