navel gazing

 Last weekend I actually said aloud what I have sometimes felt about aging to a friend of mine who brought up his own observations. I said that I sometimes find that I look like a very faint photocopy of myself. It is a statement that makes me smirk as much as it makes me wonder where all the time went? He was saying the usual thing that we used to hear older people saying, which is, I don't feel a day over 30. Lol. 

Bringing this up comes out of nowhere, it is just one of many thoughts that swim through the mind. I feel for this moment like I have stopped and observed the world moving in all of its ways, and I have this moment to test what may be coming next...the subtle ripples that make up what the future is becoming at every nano second. 

It is a miracle to be on the Earth. Suddenly the vision of the entire atlas and the varying peoples and historical moments, architecture...they all vye for attention as I give this thought.

You can look back and consider my family and wonder what they thought and felt as I do the same.

Just wistful.

 There are days that the word that comes to me and stays with purpose is confidence. When I watch a documentary about an Artist or Writer or whomever, when people are having issues that word springs up. It is a message to me too. The world can wring it out of you. So many things distract. So much promise is lost in following down the wrong path. Yet, to dispare is not an option. 

 The weirdness of life sometimes just makes me shake my head. In my efforts to just do my best and to support others, sometimes, despite this, things just go wrong. It is unfair that people focus only on what you didn't do or didn't work out over the thousand of times that things did. Things just turn on a dime. You never really know where you are standing. I am having a birthday in two months and I still don't feel that I have it all together or have great success. However, I am always wistful and the drive is there.

early morning walks

 They are so still and quiet and it is wonderful to get up at half past four and prepare for the morning exercise. The street is absolutely empty and all that I hear is my own footsteps. As I round the bend nearing the savannah, the neighbor has rabbits and the first time that I saw one in the street I nearly laughed. It seemed to come out of nowhere and look like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Today there were four rabbits in the street at that hour. They are quite large and very inquisitive.

Also today, I was the only one up at that hour. In the past I sometimes see an older lady with a very long chaplet and also two men who are clearly friends who are on the grass before me. I really like walking at that early time, it means that by 6:30 my day has started.

What I have to work on though is the fact that by seven I do get exhausted. I find that I need a catnap...but then, later, I am up to about midnight, sometimes as late as two...and I am beat. As I write this, I realize how ridiculous that is, as I am clearly burning my candle at both ends.

I pushed into exercising again when I went to Stonybrook University last year, and ever since I have continued. I did fall and scrape both of my knees a few months ago and that had me out of commission for about three weeks to a month, and I was super antsy about not being able to go for my walk, but I was able to swim.

Every day I keep pushing. I want to try to do some evenings too. But for now, this is my regimen.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

A few days ago I thought that I would have completely lost my shit. This year is an extention of 2024 where I had a major situation, a project go all pear shaped. It shifted my views about how I do business and I could not get my head around how badly things turned. Yet, it also gave me so much because of the uniqueness of it.Then, I think I mentioned before a situation that I saw a friend have with another friend of mine where they had some terrible cuss outs! I was stunned! Then, I was even more amazed at how they came back together and there was so much love. I earned from that too. I saw that ugliness can be the manure to make a beautiful garden. This year, another big spotlight mmessage comes my way. It is so funny too because it really is about all of the messaging and storytelling that comes from impressions made from landing in the job that I am in. I think that there is a running narrative about those people you engage with. You come in in the middle of the movie and you start assuming and peicing things together and before you know it,you are making up a whole story about what you think is going on. But guess what? Even if you are absolutely right, what difference does it make sometime?With this last experience what happened didn't really come from like working directly or observing from the sidelines. This was more a presentation where what I was doing that was perfectly appropriate rubbed two people the wrong way. I got a chance to discuss it at that moment, but what I saw was an unravelling of my belief structure where they were concerned. I had assumed for so long that they were so much more and now I know that they know even less, understand so much less in a staggering way. Waw! It was just a testimony for me to realise that we are all just doing our best...don't be an asshole.

trying something on

With certain expectations that do not pan out, the spiral you can go down can make you think that it is a place of residence, not a place of reference as the quote goes.

I can change my mind

In order to change your life you have to admit that whatever you were preparing yourself for would come with the challenges of the vision. Then sometimes, even with being able to shoulder the load of the difficult moments - it must be asked,why was it chosen for real?Those moments, what else do you know while having that focus? or making the compromises that shift you away for what you thought was a moment, but then years stack up. You get back on that track, you think, and then you begin to age out. Or you lose the compas, either way, something gets lost or hollow. Or, as I am thinking is happening now...I am being more objective and not doing it by thinking some fantasy plot. No plot at all, only the idea of something with more purpose. So, the vision may have remained the same, but the way to it doesn't have to be paved with old, tired ideas.