...and this is the plan

Some little details are occupying my thoughts of late. I want to be able to do more work every day. Last year I really missed doing my embroidery and I now realise that I have to create a working space. Until I actually can create one, I have to make one up. Just as with my exercising, a day to day, incremental situation, the same is needed for my disciple.I just know it. A space where I can nestle into the work and to reach out for the materials that I need. What it brings with it is a feeling of anticipation and readiness for what I know I have to do.

Different

I spent alot of time last year in a stillness exploring my experiences as they happened and after. Not in the usual way of taking it personaly and wondering what I could have done differently. I did something a bit more. I asked what was I feeling? What was this about in a curious way. I would also write that 2025 was the year that I became better friends with myself. All of my morning walks giving me time to freely think without distraction has been delightful. But also, when I am out and about and thinking abouta problem, I hear my advise to me and its gentleness and support. I am deeply grateful for this. I had stresses and many moments where I wondered how to move forward. Yet, again, my processes kicked in and I was able to do whatever I needed to do. I closed off December in a new place.

...yes, and also

Creating something from nothing has been my greatest love as a creative person. However over the years, this field not being a straight line has provided a balance that many times has felt more uneven and stacked against me than not. When a consistant salary is not forthcoming, the hit to my mental and physical wellbeing quickly eroded. What magnified this was the solitary nature of the work. When I do not see or reach out to anyone who is successful or supportive in the field itself, or I do not see how to get ahead, I have felt as though I was literally spinning a top in thick, wet mud. I was certainly going nowhere. Three times this year I hit a wall and wondered how to go on. I had to face whether after my entire life, should I just call it a day. Confronting what I want as opposed to what I am doing was important. For me, as a Lecturer, I quickly and enthusiastically tell other people to keep believing in themselves. Get support, look out for opportunities and make them when nothing seems to be working. So what about myself? How come I can find the energy for others? So I really hear myself and befriended myself anew and am looking out for my wellbeing. I feel so much better. Little tweaks here and there, a little mindfulness, a little rest, a little moment to remember where I was and what my deeper goals are...that has been everything. Thank you.

Tobago Christmas

We are doing something different for Christmas and I have two immediate projects that I am thrilled about and have begun. So yey for me! What have I learned from this year -: so very much,indeed. 1.STAND MY GROUND quietly. Be stedfast. 2.KEEP FOCUSED even when on a rollercoaster. 3. Be ready to PIVOT while FOCUSED...I am finding the way. 4. ASK for help and get it. 5. WORK ON self care all the time and focus on positive energy. 6. REST. REST. REST STOP OVEREXTENDING! 7. TAKING THAT MOMENT to consider is sooooooo special. ANything that jumps out and feels discombobulating....there is no need to react. Take a moment to feel everything the situaion is calling up inside my mind and body. NAME what I feel before I act. 8. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...send out LOVE all the time...send out BESS VIBES!

What an experience 2026 was. It felt topsy turvy for many, many moments. I felt that I was also watching on, and we on my island continue to watch with perpexity at some decisions being made by our government. Sheesh! however, just as I discussed with the Stonybrook students the quote about the Vendor selling hotdogs, I take that story and focus on the best part of it. the part that discusses doing what you do and keeping your focus despite how some people view the outcome in society itself. Not everyone is going through the same thing. In fact, there is always someone benefittting from what appears as chaos. My daughter asked me about the term 'learned helplessness' and right away we sat down and spoke about it having some impact in both of our lives at one point. To find oneself getting older, making certain decisions and yet not feeling like you have made an impact, or had no real say...that feeling must be analysed. In an A.I driven world where we are gradually being placed in situations where reality itself is being manipulated for further capitalist colonial thinking and doing...what can one say or do but be mindful to protect what is ours...mainly, our own thinking and critical analysis. So much more shall be written. But we are now here.

It's been awhile

So much has happened and I have neglected this page.When I returned from New York after a very hectic time. The best part of it was travelling with my daughter. Also,as travel does, it provided me with fresh perspective. Things that I would not have experienced and thoughts that insued because of it has been such a boon to me. As the year draws to a close, I feel lighter and happier, excited and thensome. I am filled with gratitude after so much tumult. From my sister feeling that I had deliberately not spent any time with her, although I went out of my way to do so by arriving two days earlier than my planned location for most of our stay in New York. I rally felt stretched beyond capacity with so much of what happened, from a cashless campus and my per diem ending up being part of my payment after I got back home - to scraping the bottom of my financial barrel to do the simplest things. Fortunately I was able to quiet myself and do my best to not run off the rails and when I did, it was privately and for short bursts that made it necessary to vent. Sheesh! But also, there was so much beauty to observe. I saw a Blue Jay one day and marvelled at its color. The gardens were a constant delight and many of the buildings and experiences are special memories. I have to state that during the worst times there are moments that can transcend the ick.

rainy, rainy Tuesday

The weather yet again is dramatic on the one evening when I have a class. The opportunity to also do this online is more glaring than ever! Anyway, I am fortunately at home and actually typing from my bed and half under my quilt. That can be called luxuriating. So there. It is September and when I think about all that I did so far, I feel a bit dizzy. I have not been satisfied by any means about what I have found myself doing, but I am amazed at all of the efforts. Moving on on now, I am determined to get the things I set out to do for myself accomplished in the next few months ahead and into next year.