and then things changed

My mom fell and fractured her hip. She was in hospital having surgery when one of my dear freind's husband called to tell me that she was on life support. She died the next day after my mom had her surgery. This was so unexpected, devastating news!It has been two days and I am reeling from thinking about how sudden this was. My mom falling was alot and then that was just like removing the ground from under an already shaky foundation. She had been going through a lot in the last few yeards. But she was doing better. She had to come to terms with changing up a huge chunk of her life after having a steady marriage for what should have been forever. But then everything just went pear shaped for them. She was dealing with his addictions after he had steared a safe ship for decades. She felt guilt about how much they were their for each other and how much he had made her life so much better. It had been a good run for them. But as many marriages go, it became a little shaky and she was the one who appeared to have shaken that tree at first. They had seperated and he was devastated, but he found someone in quick stride for a bit. I think that was just a couple of months before they tried again and everything was good. Then he went completely astray and she was dealing with that alone for awhile before she told me. She was deeply apolagetic about the way that she took sides and made light of my situation when I was getting divorced. In fact, she even took my ex-husband's side because I had introduced him to them and he lived with them for a year or two as well. Somehow, although that disappointed me, I think that because I was going through so much, what was directly happening to me was so all encompassing that I couldn't take on what anyone else thought. I appreciated her telling me sorry and she did this more than once. Everything was right again. It hurt to know that she was now facing her own trials, and I did not suggest that she divorce, but I did tell her why I would divorcse and what my experiences were. When we last spoke she was finally considering leaving for good, as he refused to go for any type of councelling after many tries where he even charmed his way out of any good program for addicts. He was out of the house more than he was in and she felt very lonely and disillusioned. But then they were back in the country together here, and he was better, but she was clearly gentle parenting and sometimes ruthless with her comments to him It was hard to look at. Particularly when she was rapidly losing weight and he was not.Yet, to me he was in good spirits in front of me. I was of course filled with the knowledge of otherwise from her. All of this gets me so sad, I feel my heart breaking for this outcome. I will take time to come to terms with it all.

the beauty of time

Writing something that so vexed me felt weird but necessary. Today, I am seeing another side of the whole thing. I remember that my sister is the one rushing all the changes in the house. I have kept telling her that most of the things are not necessary right now - or wait until the finances are more in order. She does not want to do that, so what happened this week was that yet again, whatever she wanted to do, she didn't care that we, the people impacted by her decisions - were not able to assist right away. Her whole rant about me was a smokescreen for her own frustrations about her own plans. The bottom line though is that when one's peace is disturbed by that sort of behavior, inevitably, despite all that you do, you can find frustration creeping into the best intentions. I was so fed up and angry that I just wanted to stop and think about how I would move forward. Her behavior isn't changing. Yet, from time to time, I get caught in her whirlwind. Knowing that this is just the way it is, I have to come to terms with where I am standing and what I want to achieve.

My sister's boyfriend is good for one thing, he sees that she does not talk to me. Sure she sends me instagram stories.But they are never related to what I do or to conversations that mean anything to our relationship. I am at my wits end with this grand charging. All of this can be so easily rectified by proper communication. But I am made to feel as though I am on a timer and if I do not or cannot do something within their time, then it isn't being done at all. What is also bananas is that I feel guilty writing this here. It is as though I am being bullied as I type. I feel this way because of last year. I am coming to realise that I was and I am traumatized by the way that I was treated. I must write about this because I was deeply affected. I do not trust the situation, my sister and her boyfriend. I don't feel heard, cared about....definately not respected by people who want to bully to get their way. I feel abused and I am not going to just lie down and take it.

The last few days of this new month has been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. At this time of year I always find myself feeling overextended and this led for the first time to virtego. It just came upon me suddenly while at the computer. I have been doing a lot of things, working on completing exhibition work for the future...lecturing, fielding messages for the ngo I am involved with...helping one or two friends needing advice...getting materials together for another project...collected my work from an exhibition while taking my daughter to class and also seeing to bills for my mom and aunt. Many things juggling at once. Amidst all of that there is also my sister and her boyfriend constantly pushing for changes at the house. They want to do a number of high cost things that are not convenient, at least not financially relevant right now. To say this to them, to suggest anything other than compliance has been to act ungrateful. He was here last week and he was acting like the king of the hill. I am very uncomfortable with the attitude and he knows this. I have no problem speaking my mind. However I am fully aware that he is my sisters' representative. Today, after thinking that an agreement had been made about all of the things they have insisted they will be doing, I was bombarded indirectly with some nasty comments. Two weeks ago when he was here, I made it clear about the money and went so far to state that I would like to not only know costs, I would like to open an account where a repayment plan could be instated by me, as I felt that his involvement, particularly his money, did not sit well with me at all. Anyway...my sister decided that she wanted to start a Whats App group on the whole thing. I was against it, as I am already in six groups and another is just overkill. In the end I aquiesced and I said that I was doing it for peace. Today,despite being told that the person coming to see to their project was being paid for...she wanted me to contribute. When she heard that I could not do so this week, she went on a tirade about my uselessness etc, etc. What is 'wack' is that no conversations are being had with me. I heard her opinion by being in the room, not from the chat that was made for such. I tell you that I cannot do the situation at this time. I am not saying never and you are not asking me when. You are bullying and demanding and insulting on top of everything else. even to complain here makes me feel wierd. The situation has unsettled me so much! I think a post like this belongs on Reddit's am I the asshole? I know enough to state that I am not. Whenever someone asks that question and states how they are made to feel they can never be called the asshole. But this goes further than that. I understand that she wants to do a bunch of things because she doesn't live in the country. Her relationship with mom is different than my relationship with mom. But when I was at her home last year, she talked about resenting calling home and complained that mom is always complaining and wanting things. Mom was so hurt when I told her what she said, because I know that mom listens to her complaining all the time too. It is a task and a half. This is going long, so I shall do two parts.

the comfort of discomfort

Where to begin but the beginning. This year I suggested to the organization that I am involved in, three projects to boost us. One of them in particular, I worked with someone else and then I got very busy on another project, one related to the organization itself. At first the partner was understanding. But lately I have found some passive aggressive behavior and I am frustrated about it. It is very unfair that this person is sending digs my way when we speak. I have brought up the behavior and I have been very dissatisfied with the vague answers given. I am at my wits end! It is draining quite frankly.However, as I write this, I already feel myself getting past this, and for that, I am grateful.

I just completed a conversation with an old friend and it has invigorated me. This person is so resourceful and I admire the way that they think. They have been totally self made. I have watched them go through things where they have had no support and have stood on their own when believed wrong. But what I truly love about them is that they are always willing to be both a straight shooter and candid about how they make things happen. So inevitably it makes me ask, then what excuses do I really have. Lol. Gotta love them.

Projects

I may have written here that this year I really feel that after all of this time, in some instances, years....the time has come to either make a few projects come to be or get off the pot. In every instance, the issues have occured because I am not doing the concept alone. They are my idea, but I have felt that I needed support to make them happen. I don't feel that way anymore. The intention is to get things done.

My week was all over the place, kinda like the weather. But it was a good week. Having so much going on actually prooved helpful. I was able to stop and take stock. ALso, it got me to look at things that usually, when I feel upset, I brood. These days, I consider much more behind that sort of response to things affecting me. I can see when something is just a moment. I see when shifting the perspective tells me that what I believe something may concern is really about something else. Of course I now wish that I was this discerning decades ago. However, it is also most likely that given more information guarantees nothing. What comes to mind is doing the best now as much as is possible to predict the future, while predicting ones own.

Sometimes I start my writing with a certain intention and as I start to touch the keyboard whatever it was just dissipates.It has been a hell of a week. Venezuela has experienced two earthquakes back to back at 7.1 and 7.5. We have family there and are very anxious about what we are seeing on televsion. There are weeks where the feeling seems to be that six days went like twenty-four hours. Lol.It is also very hot. That's the kindest thing to say, because it is easy to get obsessed with what it actually feels like. This is happening all over the world, so I feel sympathy with everyone going through summer. I will just say that it causes you to retreat to your bed and a fan going on high, yet, you feel like your on a pan frying. The delarious weak feeling also is part of it.

mid year

There are things that I go back and forth on and it is pretty normal. But, frustrating.I must have written this so many times before and again, now is no different. There are so many small things that I wsometimes want to capture...miniscule moments that mean something only to me and I don't or it is not considered when I write here and offline. These little snippets always come back to have some meaning. I want to try to be more mindful of that in the future. Next....its six months into 2026. When I was a child and a teen, moreso child, I remember calculating some of the years to this...I think I remember saying 2025 in my child mind, wondering what it may be like then. I am not at this age doing that so much anymore. I don't say, hmmm, 2030, 2060. This may be because so much life is behind me. But, come on. Just as the past that is now the present felt so unkown and promising, the future needs to also feel that way. It is so important to have confidence in your life, to have wonder and joy too. It is necessary to be hopeful...to have and build a legacy. It is good consider those you know and love and support and who support you. It is wonderous to imagine the people and experiences yet to be had. I can spend my time in fear, dread and worry. Or I can remember that I am still very much that eight year old child at heart.

Go

Go with fear, Go with trembling. Go with that sick to your stomach feeling. Go with tears in your eyes. Go with that pain in your heart. BUT BY ALL MEANS____________________GO! ____________________________GO for the ancestors, go for the children who are yet to be born. Go for the Middle Passage. Go for Faith. Go for courage, and even go because those who are good and well meaning deserve to stand up to those causing the pain........so GO because they have no strength. GO for God and Go for country.

I am seeing revolution and I shine

Last week there was a situation that occured in a meeting broadcast on You-Tube. The young Senator had had enough and the dam broke. He called out the steady diet of racist comments, but moreso, the actions that are encouraging an underclass. In America an Asian man thought that a young black boy was stealing a bottle of water and shot and killed him. African Americans decided finally to stop buying from Chinese stores...their salons, their groceries, their restaurants. This happened when an asian man took to Tik Tok and dared black people to boycott asian stores. He was confident that they could never do it, and so, his dare was met. The stores are now empty, and black Americans are going further by making certain that other black people KNOW who, what, where the black businesses are. WHen the George Floyd situation happened, I began looking at that very question and I found a great list of African American businesses in America. In my country, I have a much smaller list, I do my part, but I do not discriminate against anyone who may have a product that I need. However, it hurts today to think that some people who take the money of people of color call them cockroaches and worse. It is time to draw the line that has to be drawn.

gonna make a change

There is Michael Jackson mania for months based on the film of the same name where his nephew plays him. I have not gone to see it because to me, no one can play him. I bring this up today because I want to theme my musings as ...gonna make a change and of course his song comes to mind. As I get older, I know now that making shifts and corrections is never ending. One subtle move does not mean in every instance a big splash. Some things are also learned again and again and sometimes to my dismay, hit different as the slang goes. What has my bee in my bonnet is how clear it is to me that I am about to move. I don't know what it shall yield, I just know that it is time.

Protesting on a scale never seen before

 The situation with the government is at an all time boiling over point. Today the Maxi taxi association has made good on their promise to strike - or as they termed it, rest and reflect on the status of their jobs. What they are asking for to me, is so basic...better working conditions. A more comprehensive way to settle their drivers permits as commercial drivers....come on, couldn't the Minister of Transport met with them over the weekend to resolve these things? Instead what the nation saw was our Prime Minister enjoyed reenacting Indian Arrival Day by going to a nearby river with a few unnamed people for a photo op, where she and everyone else were waving the Indian flag. She then let it be known....our Prime Minister does not do taped or real addresses to the nation this time around. She let it be known that she plans to change the indigenous name of our airport to that of our first Indian Prime Minister, Basdeo Panday.

I have not been writing much about what is going on in Trinidad and Tobago because it is a blow by blow, hour by hour situation here. Something is happening all the time! I cannot keep up and I am concerned about my own mental state in all of this, absorbing the foolishness we deal with!

It is so weird! She won the unexpected election. She had campaigned for 'all of the people of the island.' She claimed to love all the citizens and would be fair and honest, supportive and listen to our needs.

None of this has happened.

The maxi-taxi association plan to protest for two more days and they say that they may do even more if the minister does not meet with them and resolve their issues. Then on Friday, the group of people who have stepped aside for a moment for this protest, was also dealing with a 19 days for nineteen bullets....the unlawful killing of Joshua Samaroo. His common law wife, Kaia Sealy who was paralyzed because of the police shooting into their vehicle while Joshua had surrendered by placing his arms outside of the car and raised...she was accused of manslaughter. This enraged the public to activate a response.

Then before that, a little two year old in Tobago was murdered and we still have no idea what happened to his body. People want answers for that.

Nine influencers found lucrative jobs with no real resumes at our Water and Sewerage Authority.

The Housing Development Corporation (HDC) is involved in a questionable procurement plan where the government is telling the nation that two contracts, both billion dollar ones, do not require state funds. However it is state lands. Why give state lands to multi-million dollar developers?

I Show Speed an international Blogger came to Trinidad on a worldwide Caribbean tour and after he left, the Minister of Tourism did an AI poster acting as though he had invited him to the island.

The Ministry of Health may alledgedly be facing a small pox and tuberculosis outbreak! But no one is saying anything to the public.

The Minister of Finance is never available to speak about still outstanding money's owed to many public servants. 

The Minister of National Security is blaze about anything he must answer when the desperate media try to catch them going into parliament. This includes blowing into a plastic bag and walking off.

When the television stations and radio stations tell us the daily news, no minister is ever able to be reached. No one answers the questions that are asked!

The Minister of Energy keeps telling us that the government shall be meeting with Venezuela's interim?! President, Delcy Rodriguez - this after the Prime Minister went out of her way to insult Ms Rodriguez many very public times. The Prime Minister also has rubbished CARICOM, the body that happily accepts a large quantity of our local products and keeps our economy in the non oil sector, stable.

That's what I can remember off the top of my head for today.

It has been a lot and they have only been in power for one year and a few days! 

navel gazing

 Last weekend I actually said aloud what I have sometimes felt about aging to a friend of mine who brought up his own observations. I said that I sometimes find that I look like a very faint photocopy of myself. It is a statement that makes me smirk as much as it makes me wonder where all the time went? He was saying the usual thing that we used to hear older people saying, which is, I don't feel a day over 30. Lol. 

Bringing this up comes out of nowhere, it is just one of many thoughts that swim through the mind. I feel for this moment like I have stopped and observed the world moving in all of its ways, and I have this moment to test what may be coming next...the subtle ripples that make up what the future is becoming at every nano second. 

It is a miracle to be on the Earth. Suddenly the vision of the entire atlas and the varying peoples and historical moments, architecture...they all vye for attention as I give this thought.

You can look back and consider my family and wonder what they thought and felt as I do the same.

Just wistful.

 There are days that the word that comes to me and stays with purpose is confidence. When I watch a documentary about an Artist or Writer or whomever, when people are having issues that word springs up. It is a message to me too. The world can wring it out of you. So many things distract. So much promise is lost in following down the wrong path. Yet, to dispare is not an option. 

 The weirdness of life sometimes just makes me shake my head. In my efforts to just do my best and to support others, sometimes, despite this, things just go wrong. It is unfair that people focus only on what you didn't do or didn't work out over the thousand of times that things did. Things just turn on a dime. You never really know where you are standing. I am having a birthday in two months and I still don't feel that I have it all together or have great success. However, I am always wistful and the drive is there.

early morning walks

 They are so still and quiet and it is wonderful to get up at half past four and prepare for the morning exercise. The street is absolutely empty and all that I hear is my own footsteps. As I round the bend nearing the savannah, the neighbor has rabbits and the first time that I saw one in the street I nearly laughed. It seemed to come out of nowhere and look like a scene from Alice in Wonderland. Today there were four rabbits in the street at that hour. They are quite large and very inquisitive.

Also today, I was the only one up at that hour. In the past I sometimes see an older lady with a very long chaplet and also two men who are clearly friends who are on the grass before me. I really like walking at that early time, it means that by 6:30 my day has started.

What I have to work on though is the fact that by seven I do get exhausted. I find that I need a catnap...but then, later, I am up to about midnight, sometimes as late as two...and I am beat. As I write this, I realize how ridiculous that is, as I am clearly burning my candle at both ends.

I pushed into exercising again when I went to Stonybrook University last year, and ever since I have continued. I did fall and scrape both of my knees a few months ago and that had me out of commission for about three weeks to a month, and I was super antsy about not being able to go for my walk, but I was able to swim.

Every day I keep pushing. I want to try to do some evenings too. But for now, this is my regimen.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

A few days ago I thought that I would have completely lost my shit. This year is an extention of 2024 where I had a major situation, a project go all pear shaped. It shifted my views about how I do business and I could not get my head around how badly things turned. Yet, it also gave me so much because of the uniqueness of it.Then, I think I mentioned before a situation that I saw a friend have with another friend of mine where they had some terrible cuss outs! I was stunned! Then, I was even more amazed at how they came back together and there was so much love. I earned from that too. I saw that ugliness can be the manure to make a beautiful garden. This year, another big spotlight mmessage comes my way. It is so funny too because it really is about all of the messaging and storytelling that comes from impressions made from landing in the job that I am in. I think that there is a running narrative about those people you engage with. You come in in the middle of the movie and you start assuming and peicing things together and before you know it,you are making up a whole story about what you think is going on. But guess what? Even if you are absolutely right, what difference does it make sometime?With this last experience what happened didn't really come from like working directly or observing from the sidelines. This was more a presentation where what I was doing that was perfectly appropriate rubbed two people the wrong way. I got a chance to discuss it at that moment, but what I saw was an unravelling of my belief structure where they were concerned. I had assumed for so long that they were so much more and now I know that they know even less, understand so much less in a staggering way. Waw! It was just a testimony for me to realise that we are all just doing our best...don't be an asshole.

trying something on

With certain expectations that do not pan out, the spiral you can go down can make you think that it is a place of residence, not a place of reference as the quote goes.

I can change my mind

In order to change your life you have to admit that whatever you were preparing yourself for would come with the challenges of the vision. Then sometimes, even with being able to shoulder the load of the difficult moments - it must be asked,why was it chosen for real?Those moments, what else do you know while having that focus? or making the compromises that shift you away for what you thought was a moment, but then years stack up. You get back on that track, you think, and then you begin to age out. Or you lose the compas, either way, something gets lost or hollow. Or, as I am thinking is happening now...I am being more objective and not doing it by thinking some fantasy plot. No plot at all, only the idea of something with more purpose. So, the vision may have remained the same, but the way to it doesn't have to be paved with old, tired ideas.

what's going on

There is a certain degree of lethargy and shock going on inmy island right now. I write in so many other places, and I write here to sort of leisurely work out something that I am thinking about. But of late, so much insanity has been going on ih the world internationally and for us locally. I do my best to stay focused on what Iwant to be doing, and I am pretty good at that, but still...gosh! I don't think that I have actually been on this site for the year where I don't feel hurried or otherwise distracted. But nonetheless, I wanted to do something today.

The World is up in smoke

The issues going on in the world right now is so absolutely insane! My daughter asked me whether this is the world that she should expect from now on? I had to reach to my own feelings at her age when I was terrified that atomic bombs would destroy the entire planet. So I hugged my girl and told her to put one foot in front of the other and trust that whatever is without is not within.

A few days ago I was looking for something in the garage. I have a large amount of plastic containers and bags of books and materials there. This time as I looked for one book in particular, I realised that spending time without much time to deal with the things that I have - I saw that despite the way that things look to me when I open the door to the garage, or I move things around...I think that in the next few weeks to months ahead, I may be able to handle my stuff. I visited my neighbor during the carnival season and sat in her oversized upholstered chair and find it ideal for my embroidery work. However, I am also looking for a space on the patio or near to the patio (because of the natural light) to work. But I am writing all of this down because I find that my whole tone and consideration at this time for where and what I am doing, truly feels much more assured and moreso, I feel very happy about everything.

...and this is the plan

Some little details are occupying my thoughts of late. I want to be able to do more work every day. Last year I really missed doing my embroidery and I now realise that I have to create a working space. Until I actually can create one, I have to make one up. Just as with my exercising, a day to day, incremental situation, the same is needed for my disciple.I just know it. A space where I can nestle into the work and to reach out for the materials that I need. What it brings with it is a feeling of anticipation and readiness for what I know I have to do.

Different

I spent alot of time last year in a stillness exploring my experiences as they happened and after. Not in the usual way of taking it personaly and wondering what I could have done differently. I did something a bit more. I asked what was I feeling? What was this about in a curious way. I would also write that 2025 was the year that I became better friends with myself. All of my morning walks giving me time to freely think without distraction has been delightful. But also, when I am out and about and thinking abouta problem, I hear my advise to me and its gentleness and support. I am deeply grateful for this. I had stresses and many moments where I wondered how to move forward. Yet, again, my processes kicked in and I was able to do whatever I needed to do. I closed off December in a new place.