A lot of thinking

Ok, so this week I had some curve balls. It began with a message from Frequent Flyer. ( Yes, I am back to those nicknames again) This had been the end to a week where my ex husband and I had the longest conversation in years. I realize that to get anywhere with him, I have to do whatever I can, incrementally. What shall I achieve? I expect, what I have always wanted to achieve, which is to be able to communicate well with each other, and to make our future more secure, because, so far, all he has managed to do, is to financially frustrate. A very selfish move to achieve whatever he felt was worth what he wanted. But,I continue to even work on not being bitter and angry. I just have to forgive it and move on. It is the wisest course of action. So,I got this unexpected correspondence,and hesitated about my reply, but I sent it on, and then he called me. I was not far off the hunch I had of what he has been soldering through. I had an inkling when we last spoke face to face. This week really got me to a place where some feelings came to the fore that I am still thinking about. You can hold to certain feelings and acts for a very long time. A lot of it is habit. It feels really weird to backtrack on the known. It reminds you how very fallible you are. With my ex,I felt nothing but the shadow of our past together looming squarely from my person. There was also a lethargy. You fight so long, that you feel that everything is stacked against you and you have to think of a deeper, cleaner strategy. One based on revenge certainly isn't worth it. What you want to experience and what is actually happening. So, you use your thoughts, your energies to yet again put forth the strongest and best thoughts....and you just have to wait and see.

Yet again, I had left this page open for easy access and then lost it. I tried to get back to it with poor en tonight I just tried again and got in. Thank goodness. Tonight I feel quite mellow. I have been focusing on my projects and making some headway, and I am very grateful for that. We have had a change of government and my mum has lost an old friend, one I knew my whole life. While my Auntie's husband lost his brother. It has been a very eventful time since my last post. The time has indeed flown. My nieces were here and our cousin from London surprised us and was also here for three weeks. I had been feeling as though I needed a holiday after everything that we went through. Now that I am writing again, I still feel that a holiday for myself is in order.