F*ck, yeh

Irreverent title, irreverent, intemperate, kick ass thought. Dream, and dream big! Expect what you want. Set up in your mind that it is already yours to have. Don't worry about how improbable it may be. Just believe it completely and let it go. What do you have to lose? It sure beats the alternative. The speculation, the dumbing yourself down.The hiding yourself away, making yourself small. I just looked at a short video on the contrast between North and South Korea. It looks like what I was just writing...on one side, people looking happy and free and the other side. completely regimented. So which one will it be? The red pill or the blue pill? When I do my yearly introspection, I always find that I should have had more fun and less worry.I berate myself for allowing my mind to be in a funk, doldrums...fear...you name it. Why did I obsess about this or that? Why didn't I shake it off and just go for the best thoughts! When I read biographies of Artists, Writers and other luminary people, I always wish that I could see and know more about their work. When I read about their struggles with their lives, it is their creations that move me. I think that I focus that way for my own sake as well.To me, the energy behind what you bring into existence is an amazing thing. When I travel, I look at people passing by. I get an inkling of who they are, or what they may be doing as a career. I wonder about whether their life is good for them? Are they at the peak of their lives? Or are they struggling? This year, I had moments where I vacillated between doing or not doing specific things. I really wanted an answer to shift that position I put myself in, as it was driving me a bit round the bend. Make up your goddamn mind! In the past I would make a list of pros and cons. But in this instance, the list was evenly wighted! Agh! I would talk myself into a no for a whole day, and then revert to a yes the next! Eventually, I decided to experiment with exploring the intentions behind no only and then yes only. It took a bit of time, but it was helpful to not stare down either position. I left the decision, being able to do so, and the oddest thing happened...I found that it was actually a question put to myself about my own strengths and challenges. It had to do with perception and belief that something can or cannot be done. Once I exploded such narrow viewpoints, I actually liberated myself to say no or yes with conviction.

expectations

When I was a child, I remember asking a favorite uncle for a rabbit. I think that I hassled him about it too. He was really sweet to me, but I didn't get the rabbit and when finally I realized that it may not happen, I remember that I told myself that perhaps asking for a pet when I never even took care of a fish, might be for the best. I remember that so vividly because I believe that ever since then, I have always had that attitude. I believe that I don't really bemoan what I cannot have. In high school I had a beautiful large sticker with the saying; "If you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." I used to get questioned on that sticker. People would know their heads and say, hmmm, deep. Lol. Sometimes it takes more than old habits or sayings to minimize disappointment or expectations. Here is where you bring out the big philosophical guns...It's not meant to be, or, It's for the best. You hope that that would calm and soothe your hurting, yearning heart. There is nothing for some unfulfilled desire. Affirmations, prayer, begging? This is just how it is. Hopefully something else will come along and take your mind off of whatever it is that made your heart race. Perhaps you may be fortunate and what you felt you wanted was nothing, next to what is coming your way. You tell yourself. But, why is it that reward is all that drives us? The search for constant gratification? We discourage our children from it, but we all secretly and not so secretly are impacted by it. Of course we all want nice things, nice experiences...n i c e. with all the horrors in the world, we desperately need a lot of nice. we 'deserve' to have it. It is so funny. It is as though every character trait we have as human beings can be turned on its head, negative. There is no winning with anything we do. Our lives are incremental moments of, nice. But, none of us would change a thing for it.

It has been a tumultuous year. When I state that, I must be careful of the word, as it can always become even greater than that in the future. However, it is the right word, as this year, it appeared as though in the lives of my family and those around me, nothing was as it seemed. Life happened, but somehow everything felt speeded up, closer to the surface. Personally, things that I took completely for granted as a matter of course, was no longer a matter of course. In fact it was as though I were experiencing an upside down world. Comfortable belief structures became incapable of holding. Even the weather has been challenging. Amidst all of this, is my ever increasing awareness of time and how fleeting life is. How much things change, and how much I do not hold the answers to the things I seek. I have been greatly humbled, like a Boxer, yet, I never felt prize fighting in nature. I have nonetheless felt successes along the way. What lays in wait for me? My family? Our future? By extension, all those I have touched and shall touch in the future? I remember more than a decade ago, I felt that perhaps there may be safety in not making any new acquaintance. Perhaps, I thought, it would shield me from the pain of loss. "When nothing is certain, Anything is possible." Is a saying I love. It has helped me through the years from when I first heard it. It is like the saying, " It is what it is." Such words formed in a sentence has had the power to quiet my anxious heart. This year, I have felt as though stark reality, like a bright light has been shone on my face, and I am squinting, because, there is unexpected raw drama, and it is not coming from the usual places, but concocted in the air. It is fate or some such thing that is testing in an undefinable way. So, I want to believe in what i have believed, but like a hurricane or a tornado, it has torn me away from my footing. I have been left discombobulated, giddy. I don't know what I am dealing with and I have to dig very, very deeply to find myself again. Yet, after so much violence, like the pressure to create a diamond, I have held glimpses of beauty. At least I have had moments within myself to capture it.

Lord have mercy

I have not been able to sign in to this blog for an age!SO much has happened. Most of all, I am relieved to finally be here. I shall just state this for now.