I have written many times of the strong desire to come to this place to just express my feelings, and then when I get here, I am stalled or stopped. It can be so funny. I have to warm up and gradually get into a groove. Tonight I marvel at how much my husband (juliemangoman) meant to me. I got so galvanized in my feelings.I really didn't need another person to as its said, complete me. I am full enough with the story I wanted to tell myself. I was left alone so much with no one to bounce my thoughts against that it was so clear that no way was I in synchronicity with him. I am fascinated by how much one builds and threads together a perspective. You go on a little hint here and a past experience there and you embroider an entire life and moreso, expectation around little pieces of fluff. No amount of wanting and hoping can make something happen. It was maddening the way one day was good and then the next it was not. It is easy to see mow in hindsight,that any relationship has a degree of tenuousness to it. No guarantees at all, no matter how demure, pretty,sexy, bright or rich you may be.Sometimes you want to force something, your feelings are just out of control.Acting spontaniously has its moments. How do you get someone out of your head who changed the game? How do you balance a situation where it was amazing and also terrible to experience? This is the thing of great creativity. So much is fueled by such an experience. Have I written this much about anyone else? It doesn't seem so. But of course I have, because once things do not go as I expect I become an investigator. I have decided to not stifle this whole thing. I feel really exposed and stupid writing about him, but like I stated before, I feel so many contradictory ways and I just want to understand it.