developments

Some noteworthy things are taking shape in my life right now. They relate to the way I see the world, my world right now. I am very grateful for what is occuring. I would say that I am more mindfilled. I enjoy the conversations I have with myself more as I am now spotting and waiting out those moments when I want to be negative about my decisions or past. I remember years ago wondering when this moment would come. I read many, many books on this part of enlightenment and questioned whether it was possible for me. I was helped by a statement from someone spiritually wise who said that being enlightened does not mean suddenly living a perfect life. You will still have days where you feel dispondent or angry or whatever can pull you in a spiral. However, being enlightened means knowing that these things come and go....in the same way that joy and everything that feels good comes and goes as well. The point is to not hold on to it possessively, but to observe it all with gratitude.

because

There is something about hopelessness. I have held its hand so many times. I have felt that I take too long to change for my best. I have wondered whether I am even ambitious? I have concluded often that I am just floundering through life and that everyone else is doing great and have their lives in order while they laugh behind their hands at me, or worse, they see right through me. Then, to crown it all, just as I find the steps to receive a quarter of what everyone else seems to have effortlessly, even that seems too good for me. Yet I get up every day and find a glimmer of light. Some days the glimmer of light is created in my tears. This is what is meant to be alive, I tell myself, convincing myself that this deep pain inside of me that screams failure is not real. I am inside it perhaps, but light is also inside of me. I keep reminding myself. As long as I can think of something else, something more, something that can lead me out of despair, I am not down for the count.