can you think

One of my students who came late to my introduction to the Librarian, was so amazed at his conversations on their future that she was blown away.What she said to me made my heart ache a bit. She said that before he brought up scholarships, she never ever thought that she deserved anything like considering a possible award. The idea that she was made to feel so far away from a possible better future because of the lack of information...this happens all the time. I think about the many times I read about a gallery, residency or award and see that people I know, know about things that they clearly keep to themselves. Everyone has their own plan for their lives. We are all doing our best. In my country as I expect is the same elsewhere,wants and needs drive our choices. This week I have heard two extremes, people who are trying all sorts of things to achieve an ounce of positive change. Others sound so well off, so rich and perfect that you sit in awe. The point is to mind your own business. ALso,let your mind wonder to possibilities where you can be whatever you really want to be. Know that somewhere someone is doing more with less than you have.

insomnia

My mom could not sleep last night. She was going over a lot of things, including taking on one or two things I said to her about myself and her grandaughter's complaints about her dad. To me, it was just this has been going on and this is what I am going to do and what she is going to do. But at three am, mom had become overwhelmed and woke me up. She just felt that so much was being piled on. This meant that we ended up talking until five. The conversation led to some breakthroughs. I have been finding lately that talking things out aloud is excellent for solving a problem, and when we do it as a family for bigger issues, we are golden. We had some tough moments of course. Those were the most important. There are times that I wonder about all of these moments. The ones that are very important and others that may have been a precursor to some part of my or someone elses future. Nothing is really wasted.Reading my old diaries, I wondered whether if I had known how some things would work out, would I make different decisions. Of course I would. But, ultimately if inevitably the choice is the same, then the moment can shift around all it wants...unless your sublte changes is all that alternate universes are made of. Anyway, it has been awhile since I have projected into the possible future ahead by a few years. When I was a child or teen, that speculaiton was enjoyed. Now, the day to day and week to week bombardment of news and speculations, so called entertainments and fearmongering is enough to do its horror job. I hope in my next entry I focus on my views without all the static.

the constant treadmill

In the middle of a meeting it occured to me how bizaar life can be. Here I was chatting with people I have had very opposite conversations with about what we were now discussing in earnest as though we were always allies and on the same page. The sense of duplicity was pungent. Yet, how could I manouvre in this circumstance?In the end I did what I always do, focus on the purpose of wanting to leave the best possible legacy. I find that the only recourse when faced with the politics of work.

It has been wild. My daughter got an ultimatum letter from her father where he was making certain demands of her. She was confronted again with the possibilities of leaving altogether. We spent the last few days discussing the best outcome. We did this together and seperately. The good thing was that we have talked about this challenge for months. So although we prepare for certain outcomes,actually experiencing it in real time is something else entirely. For my daughter it is a dress rehearsal. She has serious exams in the next six months and moving is extremely disruptive to her state of mind. Her father has challenged this three times when he was leaving last year and this year. The circumstances have been made useful to us, as we have chosen to see it as an opportunity. Sometimes I find that it is alot for her to go through, but she is such a strong person. She is a trooper. So I really want us to do some travelling by years end, after all that she has gone through. I must add that for myself as well, the situation has shaken up my attitude as well. Little shifts do so much and I am grateful for that.