About myself

My year is off to a robust start, from having to nip an attempt to sabotage my job, by an alledged superior to the sudden end of communication with an intended interest. I cannot say that I am bored.
With all the hullaballoo, I have felt myself feeling highs and occassional lows. I have sometimes concluded that the lows, though few, seem to engaging, and I too sensitive. But in the end, I have always felt growth.

I am faced with new ways of handling the things that come my way, and the things that I want for myself and my child are not unattainable. We all want to feel secure and to know that our work is rewarding. Of course I want to leave a legacy that I am proud of, and I want to look back on my life as a spectrum of fabulous colours that invigorated my soul with so much to be thankful for.

Going forward alone does have its challenges, but also, I feel so good about myself, and I impart my positivity to others as well.

Some of the things that I have experienced in the last month are annoying and have made some setbacks, but, again, I decided to look at the advantage to these issues instead of harping for any length of time on the downer they have been.
But I am only human, and I will feel knocked about by things. But I will stand up and continue to do what I need to do.

yucky to yummy feelings

What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.

Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.

It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?

At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.

I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.

I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.

I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.

I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.

A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.