yucky to yummy feelings

What a tumult of emotion went through me today. I started the day feeling so chipper and positive and then ended up being combative with a dear friend of mine. I am so glad that I now understand the energy of things enough to know that it is never about the thing at hand, but about the underlying 'thing at hand' that must be looked at.

Naturally I did not want to look at anything because I was venting my spleen, feeling so deeply frustrated about everything, whether I still had a job, how was I going to make money? What about all of the niggling things that seemed to be pervading my life at this precise moment...everything good seemed to vanish and a mess was what I found myself staring at.

It was then that I realised that under all of my combayah stories that I wake up and tell myself every day, there was a knot of pain that I clearly had not unraveled.
I had to get to it.
What would I find there? What would it be?

At one point I just started to say aloud all the things that I want to see in my life now.
It felt a bit strange to just put them out there in the open and to sort of swim in the sound, but I did it.

I didn't feel miles better, but I felt that it was important to vent what was hidden down inside.

I have to stop repressing what I feel. It comes out anyway in the end.

I want to feel that my life is going well for me, that I am making strides in my life and that there are things that I am developing that are yielding positive results.

I now also find that love in my life is important to me too. Not in a dependent way, that has never been my style. But more of a mutual joy and sharing that belongs to the adult me.
My little one provides deep joy, but I have to share her, and she is not my possession after all, neither would a man be to me, a possession. I am talking about the things that are special, the planning, the letters, the anticipation that is built through getting to know the other and liking that process...my work is going well, and I am very happy about that. I am also a bit scared because it looks so different and off the beaten track...which is me anyway.

A friend said it best this afternoon to me, he said, hey, your feelings tell me that you are healthy.
Now that is worthwhile.