With great shame I must call myself out this early morning, 2:18am. I miss my ex-husband! God, I sqirmed writing that. It felt really crawly to admit. I think it may be because he has our little one this weekend. I am trying to figure out why I feel this way? What is it that I think I miss? I know right away the things that I certainly do not miss.
Perhaps it is the idea of family that I actually yearn for again.
I think that that is actually it.
I do not like the fragmenting that has gone on because of divorce.I know that I do not miss the hurt, the dislike, the unkindness that met me at the end.
I do not miss the meanness, the loneliness and the anger either.
Getting out of that relationship was a good thing to do. I could not have continued under those circumstances.
What I miss, and what time has done, is gloss over the bad and kept the good, and I am naturally responsive to that.
That is all.
What I miss is the best of what a relationship can bring.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Larry King had a number of people on his show a few nights ago for a panel discussion. The group brought up a number of salient points that I want to record here.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Bringing love, that energy of love if you will into any situation you can, whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter. But it's using that energy of love.
2. They are a higher frequency. And what you give out, that energy you give out, you will get that back.
It's almost like, think of it as creating a portrait, a picture, OK? Painting. And you're creating that painting with your actions, with your thoughts, with your words
3. All choices are based on two things, either love or fear. That's all there is.
4. I think we materialize our thoughts. I think right now we are exactly what we thought about before.
5. About guilt - Overcome it? Through observation, through not allowing the guilt, the shame, the blame to run you. You become aware when it's there. You bust it. You identify it. And then you place your attention on living a more inspired life. People that are guilty are living in the past.
6. You have to have the courage to look inside yourself and really look at yourself, who you are as a spiritual being, have to look (ph) at experience and what lessons are you learning this time around? What's it going to teach you? Are you going to learn from the lesson or are you just not going to learn? It's wonderful opportunities every single day.
The biggest thing is to fall in love with yourself. You know? If you're not on your side, nobody is going to be on your side. Life is a gift. Death isn't a gift
7. We create our experience of reality. Most people don't experience reality, they experience their thoughts about reality. That which is real is eternal, it's forever. It's never been born, it will never die so the thoughts act as a filter and we end up experiencing that filter and we think it's real so people as J.Z. was saying, they project their fear onto a future.
8. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
9. What produced the chemistry inside of me that caused me to feel guilt, that caused me to feel happiness, that caused me to feel sadness and fear, what caused that? Something I was thinking, some reality.
10. why, why give up your future by holding on to an incident in your past? Your life should be more important than holding a grudge.
11. Because forgiveness is a process of the heart. The head says, no, no, no. How could I do it? And that's the hardest. That's why unless - I believe that unless you find really the gift, like what could I learn from this? How could I step into my next level of greatness? What could I create? How could I share? How could I make this world a better place because of this event? Then you're free.
12. forgiveness is the dynamic act of self-empowerment. You're not going to allow what someone else did to determine your destiny.
13. Karma can only determine starting points, it can't determine our destiny, however, and so you may have put out a lot of negative energy and you may - it will create a starting point for you but your destiny is determined by the attitudes and also your character.
14. We don't need to experience how someone else is treating us. We only experience how we're treating someone else and how we think about them and what we say about them and when you begin to understand that, you're now empowered.
Another chance
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
A dear friend of mine has a brain tumor. He wrote me to tell me yesterday, and it really shook me up. You need to ask yourself, what are you doing with the short period of time that you have? This person has children, and a new wife. He now has to confront his mortality, and he is handling it very well.
It made me realize that it is important to live your life every day. Stop complaining about what you don't have. Start being grateful for the day, for friends, for life.
All of this is already known, but the illusion that is life gets in the way and you start acting on auto pilot.
My friend's illness has made me ask myself, what are you doing to create and keep joy in your life every day?
Thank you so much for teaching me something from this situation.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Looking at the turned corner
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
There is much to be said for personal growth.It comes sometimes, or possibly most times,from some experience that may be traumatic in nature.
My ex-husband returned to the country after giving me only two days notice when he left to immigrate. I expected that he would do what he is presently doing, which is returning and assuming that it is business as usual.
This time I was prepared for any outcome,and I was saddened that this could all have been solved with basic courtesy from him. If he had called at any time, or talked to me in a way that I could see that he understands that joint means working together. It doesn't mean kissy kissy, but it should mean civil behavior on his part. But he is not yet at a place where he can act that way, and so I have had no choice but to act as I have.
What is interesting to me about this latest experience, is that I used to be so afraid to put a foot wrong, and naturally I felt as though I made many mistakes. This was so pervasive that in some ways I gave up my opinions to him in our marriage. I also felt that I had to defer to those older than I,for advice. I realized that I had an authority problem.I did this under the guise of my own confidence,because I was not completely lacking in it,it was just that there were moments when I felt that I did not know something,and,I didn't venture forward.
I stayed in the background assuming that they knew better than I did.
What I observe now is that although I still display worry and sometimes fear in the unknown, I am not letting that stall me. I am not saying to myself that I cannot move because I am afraid of making a mistake.
Instead I am interested to feel the trepidation,as, in a way, it leads me to feeling what this fear is, and in looking at it stone cold, I can dissect it and lay it plain out before me and look beyond its alledged spikes.
Fear,worry, they are there, but they are not looming over me making me unable to move.
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