What is love?

Is it loneliness? Is it the desire for something new? I am not sure, but what I do know is that I must stop playing with this any further. Having this man back in my life feels wonderful, but it simply isn't appropriate.
We are so familiar with each other. The conversation moves so nicely, the memories, the jokes, the questions and answers about our present and future, all make this even worse.
I do not even think that this is a moral issue, but a practical one. Women go through this sort of thing all the time, your told his sob story and before you know it, you are the 'other woman.' How did it happen? You didn't see it coming quite so fast did you?God, to be a cliche! Ugh!
I don't want that role. I love this person, and I told him that I care about him enough to want to make sure that we'll be better off if we just remain friendly.
But I didn't do that, did I? I took it, and he took it to another place. Sure it wasn't very far, but it was far enough, because I found it all confusing. On the one hand, my desire to keep it neutral and then my curiosity to see what would happen next? This contradictory nature cannot survive in one place, or one person. Why am I doing this?
The old memories of us were so close to the surface, and his feelings were like old times. But we are older and everything is different now. What am I doing? I obviously cannot let this go on, and I know I have to just cut it off completely. We'll just have to live on memories until things change (if they ever change) for him.

Flomoxed and flabbergasted make good bedfellows

I have found that I take some time to come to some decisions in my life, and this actually concerns me. I am not spontaneous with some things that have mattered to me, like should I marry this person, should I have a child, should I invest this money?
Now, that may seem quite reasonable. Those are big questions. But tonight these past decisions have come to the forefront because yet again, I am observing myself taking my time to think out one or two issues that are making me analyse the pros and cons of my situation.
In some ways, the answer is already formed when you take a long time to decide on a matter. In a way, you are just hoping for different evidence to change your thinking.
For me, I want to be balance. But really, what is that?I claim that I want to be fair minded, but what I may really want is to feel that I have taken the moral high road, or that my ego has been nourished. I know that I am being a bit hard on myself by saying that. But I really want to investigate my way of seeing things.
I am at a point in my life where some of my experiences are repeating themselves and beginning to seem a bit bizarre even to me. The same people factoring, similar issues coming up. I thought that I had dealt with this years ago and moved on? So why is this particular thing back again? What is to be learnt this time? Or am I just over thinking?
I conclude that my feelings are feelers to tell me what and where I need to go. I take time because I feel things, and being settled with my decision matters to me. The things I mentioned have been big, and so,I may be older, but my experiences are not necessarily that of a veteran at emotional life. There are things I wonder about and just do not feel knowledgeable about, but in a way too, that is dis-ingenuous, because no one knows, we all are just faking it. So, I'll venture and say, hey, I am growing stronger, taking up positions that make me feel that I am moving in uncharted territory and this may not mean winning, but it does mean living, and you know what, it's my life.

new directions

As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.

Getting out of the zone

Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.