One of the things I had to ask myself about feeling so sensual today, was whether I was re ing these things authentically? Was I getting blocked on my ex husband again? Part of the exercise in the car was of me imagining him taking me to a hotel that he had taken me to once many years ago. The whole scenario for me was of him acting in the present. So we looked as we do now and we were wearing what we both had on today. I watched the whole scene unfold in my mind, and I realized that what I was actually doing was observing a cleansing.
In our last two years together I felt completely rejected, the toughest part was the feeling of sexual rejection. It truly played with my feelings. I had to work very hard to not take it personally. But I did not always succeed. I internalized it. I know it. And this is why I seem to pull back with any man who shows interest, and there are four men who have shown interest. They are all living abroad except for my other ex, who is married. So, I have chosen what may be seen as safe men. Men who really cannot commit to me or me to them.
That aside, I saw my ex husband and I in that lovely hotel room, and we were both awkward for a moment and then got right into the familiar in a way that was heavily erotic to watch in my minds eye.
He apologized and I apologized and we cried and held each other and we definitely fucked over and over again, and I realized that. I have been holding back and burying how much I have had to just give up all of that. We had so much together and I had to literally take an axe to all of my feelings and bury them down deep. I remember the hardest thing was burying my missing intimacy with him. That made me feel like I was going a bit crazy for the missing it.
Confronting it today and then acknowledging to myself that I deserved to play out in my head the sort of possible closure I could get from a fantasy, seemed to me a very healthy thing to do.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sensual times
This morning I got into the car with my ex husband because I had to go to his office and then later in the afternoon he had made an appointment for us to see then psychologist whom we had seen a few years ago. The reason we were going to see her again, was because of the nature in which he has been proceeding of late with information that he gives me.
I got in the car and yet again, as we got away from the house, he cAsually let's slip that the appointment is cancelled. Naturally I got upset with him, and this made our daughter upset. She thought that we were quarreling, and she said so.
After she was dropped to school, he realized that he had go back to his house to get the computer that he forgot, so, on top of everything else we were now running late.
It was at this time that I did something unexpected, I apologized and said to him that it is unfortunately common that I react to his mood, and that I have done so because of how long we were in a relationship. I told him that I would
now promise him that I would become more conscious of this and not loose myself in his mood. His mood is his responsibility.
after I said that, I calmed right down and actually felt much, much better.
On our way back from picking up his MacBook pro, he was playing the usual pleasant music, including adele's Nevermind. I decided to rest my eyes.
Then I began to get very relaxed indeed and some wild thoughts started to jump into my head.
I recalled our life together. Particularly our sex life. I allowed myself to follow wherenthese thoughts were going. I am not dismissive of thesenthings any more, as doing this helped me overcome a sense of intimidation that I once had over someone who is my lecturer now. It was very helpful somehow myself at the time to imagine him sexually. Once I did that, I never felt that intimidation again.
So, I thought of just turning to him and asking him to consider us just leaving the office early and going somewhere to fuck each others brains out. It was almost funny to be feeling these things so close to him with him none the wiser.
I remembered all of the things we used to do and to enjoy together. It got me a tiny bit sad, but it also made me feel a combination of arousal and happiness too.
When we got to the office, we got right down to work and my impulses were goading me to go up to his ear as he bent his head in his work and tell him very breathily that I would always love him.
I almost laughed at the prospect of doing this, because my mind ran ahead to the possible reactions to such an extremely left field decision.
Naturally I ignored my impulse.
These feelings kept me feeling as though I was on a mental and physical high all day. I am not sure what an artificial high is like, never having had one, but I would assume that it might be similar to what I was feeling. I continued to think about him sensually, and this made me act from a place of quiet. So I was very soft spoken and sweet with him all day, and this actually made him polite to me.
So that was rather amusing as well.
Last night I was having a completely different experience, when my other ex made me aware that I could literally have him every day. For the first time I relaxed into his chest as we talked. Although we have a certain routine, I am fully conscious of the fact that I hold something back. But last night, I let something go a bit.
So this morning when I began to think of what I was experiencing with this other ex, I knew that it was a worthy issue for this diary.
It also reminded me of a conversation with my darling partner. He had asked me about this sexuality of mine, and We both said that I should use it. But at the time, I was afraid of it. Now though, I see that I cannot skirt around it. It is part of who I am. So what is it?
I am naturally sensual, naturally sexy. This is obvious to people who encounter me.
It does not impede me from my work or from having friends and aqua NRA CDs. I do not exploit it. It is just an underpinning to myself. Occasionally, when I am in a sensual mood, I must be guarded, because people who are aware of it, get drawn in whether they p,an to or not, and I mean nothing by it.
The man who is actually ready to engage me would be in for a treat.
Last week at The mall, I had an example of that. A handsome gentleman with very well kept dreadlocks came up to me and stood before me at one of the kiosks. I had seen him earlier at a fast food place. So he said to me,
"so, we went to Wendy's and we went to the mall. Where are we going next?" and without skipping a beat, I casually replied,"the appropriate answer should be, home with you."
fuck me! If I were a man on the prowl, I would feel that directly in my groin. I don't know that he found that forward, but I was surprised at my own reply.
This is going rather long. I think that I should write this in two parts.
I got in the car and yet again, as we got away from the house, he cAsually let's slip that the appointment is cancelled. Naturally I got upset with him, and this made our daughter upset. She thought that we were quarreling, and she said so.
After she was dropped to school, he realized that he had go back to his house to get the computer that he forgot, so, on top of everything else we were now running late.
It was at this time that I did something unexpected, I apologized and said to him that it is unfortunately common that I react to his mood, and that I have done so because of how long we were in a relationship. I told him that I would
now promise him that I would become more conscious of this and not loose myself in his mood. His mood is his responsibility.
after I said that, I calmed right down and actually felt much, much better.
On our way back from picking up his MacBook pro, he was playing the usual pleasant music, including adele's Nevermind. I decided to rest my eyes.
Then I began to get very relaxed indeed and some wild thoughts started to jump into my head.
I recalled our life together. Particularly our sex life. I allowed myself to follow wherenthese thoughts were going. I am not dismissive of thesenthings any more, as doing this helped me overcome a sense of intimidation that I once had over someone who is my lecturer now. It was very helpful somehow myself at the time to imagine him sexually. Once I did that, I never felt that intimidation again.
So, I thought of just turning to him and asking him to consider us just leaving the office early and going somewhere to fuck each others brains out. It was almost funny to be feeling these things so close to him with him none the wiser.
I remembered all of the things we used to do and to enjoy together. It got me a tiny bit sad, but it also made me feel a combination of arousal and happiness too.
When we got to the office, we got right down to work and my impulses were goading me to go up to his ear as he bent his head in his work and tell him very breathily that I would always love him.
I almost laughed at the prospect of doing this, because my mind ran ahead to the possible reactions to such an extremely left field decision.
Naturally I ignored my impulse.
These feelings kept me feeling as though I was on a mental and physical high all day. I am not sure what an artificial high is like, never having had one, but I would assume that it might be similar to what I was feeling. I continued to think about him sensually, and this made me act from a place of quiet. So I was very soft spoken and sweet with him all day, and this actually made him polite to me.
So that was rather amusing as well.
Last night I was having a completely different experience, when my other ex made me aware that I could literally have him every day. For the first time I relaxed into his chest as we talked. Although we have a certain routine, I am fully conscious of the fact that I hold something back. But last night, I let something go a bit.
So this morning when I began to think of what I was experiencing with this other ex, I knew that it was a worthy issue for this diary.
It also reminded me of a conversation with my darling partner. He had asked me about this sexuality of mine, and We both said that I should use it. But at the time, I was afraid of it. Now though, I see that I cannot skirt around it. It is part of who I am. So what is it?
I am naturally sensual, naturally sexy. This is obvious to people who encounter me.
It does not impede me from my work or from having friends and aqua NRA CDs. I do not exploit it. It is just an underpinning to myself. Occasionally, when I am in a sensual mood, I must be guarded, because people who are aware of it, get drawn in whether they p,an to or not, and I mean nothing by it.
The man who is actually ready to engage me would be in for a treat.
Last week at The mall, I had an example of that. A handsome gentleman with very well kept dreadlocks came up to me and stood before me at one of the kiosks. I had seen him earlier at a fast food place. So he said to me,
"so, we went to Wendy's and we went to the mall. Where are we going next?" and without skipping a beat, I casually replied,"the appropriate answer should be, home with you."
fuck me! If I were a man on the prowl, I would feel that directly in my groin. I don't know that he found that forward, but I was surprised at my own reply.
This is going rather long. I think that I should write this in two parts.
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