Sensual two

One of the things I had to ask myself about feeling so sensual today, was whether I was re ing these things authentically? Was I getting blocked on my ex husband again? Part of the exercise in the car was of me imagining him taking me to a hotel that he had taken me to once many years ago. The whole scenario for me was of him acting in the present. So we looked as we do now and we were wearing what we both had on today. I watched the whole scene unfold in my mind, and I realized that what I was actually doing was observing a cleansing.
In our last two years together I felt completely rejected, the toughest part was the feeling of sexual rejection. It truly played with my feelings. I had to work very hard to not take it personally. But I did not always succeed. I internalized it. I know it. And this is why I seem to pull back with any man who shows interest, and there are four men who have shown interest. They are all living abroad except for my other ex, who is married. So, I have chosen what may be seen as safe men. Men who really cannot commit to me or me to them.

That aside, I saw my ex husband and I in that lovely hotel room, and we were both awkward for a moment and then got right into the familiar in a way that was heavily erotic to watch in my minds eye.

He apologized and I apologized and we cried and held each other and we definitely fucked over and over again, and I realized that. I have been holding back and burying how much I have had to just give up all of that. We had so much together and I had to literally take an axe to all of my feelings and bury them down deep. I remember the hardest thing was burying my missing intimacy with him. That made me feel like I was going a bit crazy for the missing it.

Confronting it today and then acknowledging to myself that I deserved to play out in my head the sort of possible closure I could get from a fantasy, seemed to me a very healthy thing to do.