Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.

What to believe

Tonight in class, something trigged an old feeling inside me and I felt as though the full brunt of the extent to which I am saddened by the loss of my marriage was felt. It came over me very suddenly and felt very heavy. I was in class, so I could really do nothing about it but clear my thoughts as quickly as it happened. I was very, very surprised. It just came out of the blue. I do not know whether it is happening because now that Another R is showing interest in me, and I am again asking myself the questions that  seems relevant to me. I admit some apprehension and trepidation...even fear in venturing forward with someone new. My first ex, before I let him know that I got the distinct hint that he was reconciling...and I suspect that he never was not reconciling...but that is another matter....I am feeling like my thoughts are all over the place and not only unclear, but clouded and even a bit crazy! I am concerned about feeling all of these things.
R has expressed certain interest. Unlike my first ex, my relationship with him is on another level. But R has taken up a very complicated job that has him having to travel all over the world. To get involved with him may leave me just a woman in one of his ports of call, and I have told him this.
I do not know what to expect with him? Weeks ago I would not have given this any thought, but now, I feel torn about the very thing that years ago had me feverish with wonder.
Here again is no real guarantee that what it may be is only going to be sex in the moment. I am not sure that I want to experience that? That isn't-what I want.
I did not think about what it would mean this far ahead over the last few weeks until the issue with my ex made me see how much I do NOT want certain things, and want others.
Then tonight, a freight train could have passed over me when I thought of how much I missed the best things about my marriage, including that I did not have to get to know any new man. Somehow this is proving to be the challenge. On the one hand, having a person like my ex to fool around with was a nice, safeish thing to do...until it got complicated when he could not perform adequately. That got me off the hook because despite all that he was doing prior to that was making me wonder whether he might be someone to want to take more steps with. But I now know that the same issues apply today as it did when we broke up. I find that I do indeed represent something to him that he does not actually represent to me to adequately go forward with him confidant that he is the one.
Now, the other person inspires many things in me as well.... But he does not live in the same country. So what the hell am I pursuing then? What can I expect to get out of such a situation? A good time? Nothing much more? Am I too old fashioned?
Is it that I had a sudden yearning for my ex husband because I am not comfortable in the post marriage world where starting all over again can feel awkward and be filled with problems that I do not want to have to run through men to resolve...and would not run through men anyway because I am not like that and it isn't like I am on the prowl.
All of this sounds very ligitimate I have to sit with these feelings some more and just feel out what it means and what I should do about it.