Today was one of those deeply enlightening days. One of those loud, gasp out loud moments that changes everything. Today in the words of one of my former students came the realization that everyone but me saw that my relationship was not going to work out. The only thing was that they saw it for a completely different reason than I could have imagined. It seems that the perception was that HE was too slow for me! When I heard this I could not believe my ears. It sounded right, but I had not even dared to see it when I was in the relationship. When had I let my guard down and settled? When had that happened? I know now that some of this behavior had to do with a fear of myself. A fear of how I was going to live my life, doing what I wanted to do for myself. But mores, this realization sparked something else within me. I saw that however I proceed....for example, if I chose to have that date with R or not, it is not about him in the slightest. It is always about me. What I want, what I choose, what will be best for me. But I am saying this more lightly than it came to me. I made a much stronger point to myself when the realization flared up in my mind. I was thinking that men are just that, just men. To put your best thoughts into what they seem to represent is to cheat both you and that person. I think that is why Mr.India came into my life when he did. Because we had no history, we met on even ground. I had no expectations, so I made no commitment, and I made the rules. But beyond that, with him, I felt a freedom that we still marvel at. I do not know if we met again that we would have the same thing? I have no idea whether it was just a moment in time? But what it did, was release me then...and I did not even realize it at the time...it released me from the limitations that I had been facing. It prooved to be an experience filled with tension, intrigue and awareness of my own desires in a way that surprised me. Going forward, I do not need to put stock onto what I want the other person to be. I should keep stock of what a catch I am....to put it bluntly. Not that I am saying that I am vain. Far from it. I am saying instead that I no longer see the need to think that in order to have a relationship with a man I like, there is no need to go about lionizing him to make it work. I can admire him, find some of his opinions absurd, enjoy his company, challenge his ideas...be a friend, see what it is, and where it is meant to go. With my ex, I certainly put him up on a pedestal and worshipped him for quite some time. I affixed every superlative to his nature, even when he was unkind to me. I blamed myself, wanting to earn his regard. Yes, it is that sad to know that I valued myself so little. It came from feeling that I could not please those closest to me in my life and so desperately wanting their approval. It took awhile for me to admit that to myself. I do not want to go into another relationship doing that again. I want to be with someone whole who wants me for who I am and wants to build something beautiful with me because it can be done. That simple.