When the ball is in

After all of my writing yesterday, I spent some time going over some work with my neighbor who gave me some excellent advice on my situation with my ex-husband. We spoke until quite early in the morning. I have helped her with many issues and now she has helped me in return. Then,this morning, as I stated, I sent a note to frequent flyer and he responded right away. He was not only willing to speak with me head on about my feelings, he called me, instead of Skyping. We still have some other things to talk about, but he greatly put my mind at rest. Then tonight exbf called me. I know that my entries are probably sounding like bad soap opera, but this is indeed what happened....he wanted me to just listen to him. He told me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me as a friend. He was hurt by my stating that he had threatened me. He did not think that he had done that. I explained that I saw it that way because of my own experiences. I react badly or I should say, with heightened awareness now when any man comes at me, reminding me of a stance in the vein of my ex-husband. I automatically get into combat mode and cut that person off at the knees. What exbf said was extremely touching, he even cried. I know him to be sentimental, but I do not recall him ever actually getting as emotional as his words to me tonight. I was definitely moved. Exbf means the world to me. But I have to stay the course. I feel completely wonderful in every way with him. But he is not free. I entered into a quasi-half flirty...half-fling with him because he guaranteed me that he was separating and that he and his wife had no intimate relationship. We are such good friends that it did not seem unusual to hang out and to talk about all manner of things and to be playful and a bit affectionate. But now it is building and building and I do not want to go to somewhere where my chances of return are not assured in tact. I do not know whether exbf is the person for me, but I would say that if he were, then I should not need to ask that question. We have an amazing chemistry. We never stay upset with the other for any length of time. He cares about me, really shows his love and support....but, he is not free, single and disengaged. What a difference this is, from one day to the next. In a way, my situation may be considered lucky. Two wonderful men, who are really special in their own rights. If I could suspend time, what would I really do? Would I give them both a chance? Would I share myself with them? Would I be wanting to be a polygamous woman? Would they agree to being my husbands? Hmmmm? I think that I should fall asleep with that one on my mind.

And another thing....

I just thought that I would read over some entries from the year, and I am quite surprised at how much time I have spent writing about frequent flyer! I really put a great deal of thought into understanding how I feel and how he has affected me. The talk is definitely something that I must do as soon as possible.

Curious...er and curious...er

How did I guess? When it rains, it pours. Frequent flyer contacted me today...acted like no time had passed and like everything is everything. I decided that I would behave the same way as well, as to me, we are still and will always be friends. But guess what? Somehow I felt a weird feeling after the fact. The feeling was that I am conscious of something more. Despite what I said and that I am doing. I still sense that I can get sucked into caring about him again. So this means that I will just have to have a chat with him. I have not really put my feelings out there, except when we flirt, and now I think that the fact that he put out there the possibility that it could have become more, I have every right to broach the topic. Then my first bf calls me tonight. He wants to go out with me. Of late I have been saying no. We have had lots of fun, and this is why I am saying no. I do not want to get any more comfortable with him than I have been. He has become a go to convenience, and I do not want a nearly booty call scenario. It makes no sense to me. I have not seen any improvements on his part, any real decision to move on, so I just decided to quit him. Literally. I thought that he understood, but tonight we had a bad moment, where he tried to exert some sort of power or something over me! I was not sure what he was trying, bringing up old times, insisting that something happened like twenty years ago where I asked him for sex! No such event took place! This is a head turner? I even asked him, if that actually happened, then what does that have to do with not wanting to go out tonight? He behaved like a petulant child. It is inevitable I suppose in relationships, for emotions to flare up. I know this, and I feel odd about both of these people tonight. I cannot continue either scenario. It is just not healthy for me. I do not see them amounting to much more than sexual frustration on my part, their part, whatever. I am doing what is best for me and feeling the spin off of such a choice. But I shall be well. I shall hold to what I know is the way I want things to be.