The books and all of the reading, quotes and experiences helped last year. I found out so much about the ego and how to deal with it. So you can imagine, when I got the first email, I sat a bit stunned by it. There it was in plain old black and white with the familiar address with one number change on the end, kind of in defiance of the old one that I knew. I remember the satisfaction that I got the reference the first time, when it was said to me. I had to smirk dispite myself, and then a few days later, another one. Would I bite? Definitely not. How did my ego feel? A bit vindicated, I had to come clean in my mind. I was exonerated in that moment. I had calculated it. After all, I had reasoned, if I felt certain things, it could not possibly be one sided? Not this person. Yet, now, my thoughts, I am a bit lost for words. It brings up some feelings that I did not guard against. Thoughts like,how does this keep on? What is it about not getting what you want? There was one word....addicted. Yes, there is an addiction, so it was easy for me to say no, cold. Addiction, is not love, it is obsessive, and that makes me feel unsettled. Yet, I have looked at it and acknowledged that yes, I have feelings. I do care. But, I also have learned a great deal from all that happened and I do not wish to continue along a road of folly. It just is not worth it. I made clear pronouncements last year and I have not gone back on my word. I do not enjoy dispersing my feelings as I had done, wondering which card may yield a win, when actually I played a poor hand. This is not a game of cards. The person that I want to call forth, I have been finally just listening and reading in several places, the sort of phenotype that would interest me. It is not supposed to come with stipulations, challenges, baggage....it is to happen because we have found the other at the right place and time and it shall be better than I could have imagined.