“Surely every one realizes, at some point along the way, that he is capable of living a far better life than the one he has chosen.” — Henry Miller (via spenserstevens)

New perspectives

When I travelled this year, I again became conscious about well being. This time, I experienced people around me being very cavalier about their travels and plans to travel...and their successes. I sat amidst all of this chatter and saw very plainly how much I wanted to know when I can get like that, and also how far I had come. The irony is that as a child I spoke like they did. My adult experiences have curtailed me. But no more. I am working on moving past all that is configured to keep me back. This conscious working is making me feel off balanced, but I am not losing focus. Being in the bosun of all that success and well being was so good. It reminded me of who I was. It said to me,ok, so what are you doing for yourself now? I still feel that it may take a leap. I am not sure how it will happen. What I do know is that I shall be working, so in doing so, where I see myself going, shall happen.

Learning

I could not wait to get here tonight. I came to a realization and felt very strongly about what I conclude for many years I have given a bit of myself to the belief, the possibility that there might have been some hope or opportunity to have a romantic relationship with Frequent Flyer. I have spent years mostly because he led me to believe that there was some possibility. I have written many times that I would discontinue any conversations with him where I felt that I might be falling into any emotional attachments. But then we would chat and somewhere along the line I would fall comfortably back. A few weeks ago I happened to be in a position where I got to talk about this whole thing with impartial people, and one said to me at the time, perhaps you are not the only one this fellow leads on. Something in that statement was extremely helpful to me. It made me sit up and shake myself. I had experienced a moment with him months before when he left me an emotional message on Skype and when we did speak about it a few days later, he had downplayed it. That was big for me. It made me realize how much he took me for granted. I got very upset with myself and him and decided that I would become more vigilant. Since my conversation, I have had three opportunities to speak with him, and especially tonight, I have become aware of my own ego and arrogance with this man. How could I have ever assumed that waiting could happen between us? Yes, he made me feel that I should wait. But then, I, I, I then gave the whole thing meaning. I made it sentimental to me. I placed a romantic spin on the thing and guess what, years are going by and he is having a really nice life. A life where he is securing the very best for himself and his family as he should. I feel like all I have been holding to is a puff of smoke. I feel very foolish for having held on for so long. Very foolish indeed. But now I really have removed the scales from my eyes. I felt it in our conversations. I can feel and sense myself having removed the notion of anything beyond a tenuous friendship. I never gave him so much of myself that I made myself a vulnerable friend. He has never been my go to person. I am glad that I had that presence of mind to hold back so much of myself...and all of myself where any sexual possibility may have ever arisen. It would only have caused me great grief. I can say now that, I grew up. It has taken great maturity on my part to see this for what it really is for me. I deserve much better, and I have known for some time that if I am to really move forward, I cannot hold onto old baggage. I have to break any cycle that is not serving me. I have been sentimental and now I know better. As I told my sister, if I am here and I am wonderful, then my counterpart is also there and waiting to meet me too. I find that a comfort. It is time to not look at everyone who fits a criteria, or was in my past and gave the impression that we have something....it does not mean that I need act upon it. My feelings must be taken into account. I cannot rush or pretend feelings I do not have. Or give meaning to something that is not there. All I need do,now, is to,listen to myself for real, feel myself out,,hear myself out, listen to my opinion, vibe....instincts first and foremost and know what is the motivator within me to choose whatever I do choose. I will not steer myself wrongly. I just know it. Thank goodness for this realization at this time.

OMG

I have been trying to get back on my blogger for months. I have given up and tried again through the months, and finally! Good grief! So much has happened. I have made work, travelled, seen relatives, done lots of things that I have not been able to assess here. Today, I am even wondering why this page is also present under a different address? But all of that shall be addressed at some point. I have as I stated, been through so much, and I am just glad that I am back. So for now, that is all I shall write.