Contrast

He called me, asked me to babysit at his house. What a difference a day makes. I felt different this time being in proximity of him. I felt some resentment. He called me because he needed me. He has always relied on me in some way. Yet, he was also so capable of going to court when he and I could have talked and agreed on things regarding our child instead. I feel hurt, angry and betrayed. I feel as though I was never given any regard. I never got to explain the petty disagreements that he penned so fixedly in his documents...where I felt so ganged up on by everyone in the court, including my lame duck lawyers. I have to get past it, have to move forward. Perhaps, this is all good. When the scales are off, I cannot see the very thing that I was thinking before, about anything being resolved in the end. The only resolution is my own, for myself. The thing is, that is enough. I am feeling better and better every day with the things that I set out to do for me. I can see my way forward, and the things I have to do are getting me all very excited. I wrote about my lack of grieving awhile back. I think that I grieve now in increments. I sit with my overwhelming feelings about my past and the love I gave and felt, and I allow myself to feel my heart lurch. I give myself over to its inky sadness. But I can also detach and look at it without it consuming me. That took time to build within me. I think today, I need to realize that feeling the things that I feel are only natural. Who could walk into a house that could have been ones home and not feel something? Who could not pursue a relationship with a multi millionaire and not feel concerned about the possibility that here was another man trying to control me? Or the myriad other things that have made me feel so out of sorts and out of character, and wrong, and wishful, and hurt and hopeful. What I know for sure is that every day, I get up and I push towards what makes me the best that I can be...and I strain myself more by not being satisfied with just one or two answers. I get so many hunches,thoughts running through me, desires to see certain things come to pass. Today I must slow down and honor that in myself. I am still here. I am still planning, and making, and supposing and putting together things. I am still here. I am still here. I didn't disappear.

On a night like this...

I am in a quandary tonight. I am thinking of my ex husband again. I am remembering things from the past that make me smile. The more I think well of him, the more good thoughts flood out the bad. That's a good thing. Except, now I feel very sentimental about it all, and I am worried that now my heart is open when his has seemed to only be closed. In all of these difficult years, he has not once shown me that he can crack or bend toward me except to hurl unkindness. So why am I doing this to myself? Am I some sort of masochist? Why am I still so in need of making him like me again? I like to think and to say that we were once at least friends. We wrote to each other so much. We spoke on the phone constantly...he was the center of my world. Perhaps I am remembering all of this because it is important to remember how lovely love is. I go back and forth so much with my feelings, and it's funny because all of my thoughts about my feelings are anchored onto things that just do not happen. For example...I may suddenly in the middle of writing this, think of frequent flyer and wonder whether he is ok...and then feel torn between thinking that and thinking about my ex husband, when really, neither person is anywhere near me at this moment. They have no say in my life...I am just summoning thoughts. I am trying on emotions...I am muddying my intentions...my energy...because I am missing intimacy. I miss him. I should grieve his loss. Just grieve and get through. But then, I miss everything. I miss all the could have been then...everyone who could have been. But him most of all, because he was important for so long. ...... I wish I knew what I was saying. Somewhere in that muddle lies my intention. I suppose that I am desperately trying to find whether I have any real vantage point from which to act. I have these rogue feelings that I am trying to make sense of. But everything is a phantom because none of it has yielded any prospects. None of it, and I do not have any inkling of anyone new on the horizon to set all of this straight, and nothing seems to be moving to give me any hint of a direction and I feel damn stuck and frustrated...because my feelings are not going away. ........ So, let me try again.mwhat do I feel? An awareness of the beauty of real love with another person...the missing of a shared, adult life. ......... I miss my best friend. .......... Gosh.

Mirror,mirror,mirror

Tonight I did a quick read of this blog over the years. Of course I did not read everything,but I read enough. I did so because I was looking for some patterns of behavior on my part. I did not really see that, instead, I got the message of mirroring. I mentioned it a few times in my entries. But there was something that I did not see until now. If it is always you...then being upset with anyone is absurd. You are always creating a scenario that you created and plan to participate in. The question you should be constantly asking yourself is whether this story you tell yourself in this moment is about enlightenment or sabotage? Are you seeking drama? Tragedy? Thrills? What are you setting up now? Food for thought INDEED.