On a night like this...

I am in a quandary tonight. I am thinking of my ex husband again. I am remembering things from the past that make me smile. The more I think well of him, the more good thoughts flood out the bad. That's a good thing. Except, now I feel very sentimental about it all, and I am worried that now my heart is open when his has seemed to only be closed. In all of these difficult years, he has not once shown me that he can crack or bend toward me except to hurl unkindness. So why am I doing this to myself? Am I some sort of masochist? Why am I still so in need of making him like me again? I like to think and to say that we were once at least friends. We wrote to each other so much. We spoke on the phone constantly...he was the center of my world. Perhaps I am remembering all of this because it is important to remember how lovely love is. I go back and forth so much with my feelings, and it's funny because all of my thoughts about my feelings are anchored onto things that just do not happen. For example...I may suddenly in the middle of writing this, think of frequent flyer and wonder whether he is ok...and then feel torn between thinking that and thinking about my ex husband, when really, neither person is anywhere near me at this moment. They have no say in my life...I am just summoning thoughts. I am trying on emotions...I am muddying my intentions...my energy...because I am missing intimacy. I miss him. I should grieve his loss. Just grieve and get through. But then, I miss everything. I miss all the could have been then...everyone who could have been. But him most of all, because he was important for so long. ...... I wish I knew what I was saying. Somewhere in that muddle lies my intention. I suppose that I am desperately trying to find whether I have any real vantage point from which to act. I have these rogue feelings that I am trying to make sense of. But everything is a phantom because none of it has yielded any prospects. None of it, and I do not have any inkling of anyone new on the horizon to set all of this straight, and nothing seems to be moving to give me any hint of a direction and I feel damn stuck and frustrated...because my feelings are not going away. ........ So, let me try again.mwhat do I feel? An awareness of the beauty of real love with another person...the missing of a shared, adult life. ......... I miss my best friend. .......... Gosh.