What a week

Hectic, hectic, hectic. But great where growth is concerned. I have learned so much. With the big project I am doing, I have learned to talk out aloud my plans and my misgivings. I have looked at the ways people communicate for power and influence. I have learned how easy it is to be challenged by your own perceptions of things and the immense value of holding your opinion and observing things instead. I have seen how things can turn on a dime. I have seen how one moment ones situation can change from looking up, to looking no different than it did before. It has been a ride indeed. It has helped me to get to know myself better as well. I have been made to step forward and out from behind my own comfort zone. I have had to be swift with my decision making...something that I like, but also something that can sometimes feel overwhelming. I feel anxiety about aspects of this new project, but I can bask in the knowledge that I have the wisdom of others to support my way of seeing and doing. Family are coming in for Carnival and a whole lot of new stuff is being added to the equation on top of all of this very soon. It is a mad house. But I know that as soon as it becomes what it will be, it shall be on to the next thing. Then, amidst all of these things, The Towers has stepped back into my life like nothing has happened. He has been in high spirits as he should be, as the gorgeous images that he sent me of his second house almost finished would attest. But as I have always stated, us as friends will always work. Anything else is awkward. The person that I am concerned about is frequent flyer. Ever since our last conversation in December, we have not spoken. That is extremely unusual and unheard of for us. I will admit here that I really do care about him very much. He matters to me as someone whose best interest at heart I seek. My thoughts go out to him and I hope that whatever storm he may be ridding out, that he will weather it well. He has prooven to be a trooper. If I have lost him for now, I know that we shall pick up sometime, somewhere. Imagine that no contact could sober my real feelings up so sharply? I almost want to laugh. What a week.

Already the year has begun for me with much to contemplate.i am very busy, so that has been really good where I might have observed differently. I am doing well with my focusing on better and stronger thought forms. Particularly as one person in my life helped me so much with that. Michael was such a horses ass, trying to play me against our mutual superior with a project that I am doing now, that all I could do was see the demerit of his stupid actions . This is someone I have known for decades and have only ever helped and wished the best. So imagine my shock when our mutual colleague voluntarily tells me that Michael wrote him a letter criticizing me about a past project that I actually invited him to participate in. Anyway, enough about him. He did me a great favor. I got to see myself from a position of strength. The other matter is a personal focus of mine that I am wavering about in an odd way. I have written many times about wanting my ex husband to be more respectful and the like. He has proven to me that he is trying. But I have my moments where I fall into suspicious and angry me around him. He helps of course, because we both know how to provoke the other. How can I constantly state that I want certain things and then act in a contradictory manner. Surely I have to see the forest for the trees? So, I am working on myself more.

Pondering

There are many times that I have felt that I wish that I had known more much sooner. Yet, there is satisfaction in the knowledge that I glean a great deal when I learn something new. It feels really weird to be so very over people for whom I spent a long time focused on. I also could not understand how I could have observed people so intently, and yet not received the things that I wanted to experience from them. My perspective now is to keep my focus no matter what is going on around me. Learn quickly and do what I need to do for myself. Everything else is secondary. It is a new year, and it is a time for optimism that I intend to nurture.