new leaf

My ex husband wrote me a very touching letter recently. I read it and just sat contemplating it. I was so surprised that I did not know what to think. It felt a bit like my interpretation of the way that Russia and the United States must have felt after they both looked at the other post arms race. It is presumptuous of me to compare, but it felt like a huge shift had taken place, and finally I could replace certain thoughts that had become outmoded with new ones. To me that is no small thing. I have waited for the day for a very, very long time, and now that it is finally here, It is bitter sweet. Finally I can make plans without the wretched thought of reprisal upon me. There is much to be said for someone making certain that they make your life unbearable. Yet, I have had to forgive him at the same time in order to move forward. I feel also that I can finally, finally make plans related to myself for a change.Almost a decade in a quagmire of sorts. Now, I can remove the gossamer view that seemed to separate me from what i desire to do. I took a long time and I am not going back. I learned so much and I am armed with new knowledge. .......... I am setting a course. It consists of moving along as quickly as I can to keep my debts down and my savings on a steady course. The world has been so crazy. The latest issue with Great Britain leaving the European Union would attest. There is so much uncertainty. What do I know for sure? I can certainly say that although money is very important, so is the need to create legacies...It is important for me to build my own value system...create the paths that interest me and can help not only myself but others as well. I have had a few great projects come into my life and I have pursued them and I continue to do so. I no longer feel that my dreams are pie in the sky ones. I am not afraid to be unsure. I am no longer focused on thinking that I cannot accomplish certain things because I do not have the or that to do so. Today the girl I met at the market called me. She had some disparaging things to say about two people I know, and as she spoke I saw that her perspective comes from a place of ignorance. She is interested in getting ahead with some work f hers, and she has made efforts to help herself at any means necessary, including walking into the offices of business people and staying until she can get some sort of support. I say, if you can do it and it works, then by all means. However, she does not seem to realize or care that for certain things, there is a process. She does not take advice at all. I got her to think about doing more work, so that was good, but it had to be said in a manner that made her receptive. But to be fair to her, she dead with chronic pain and lots of financial uncertainty, and she reminds me of my own issues in the past, so I have a soft spot for her abrasive character. I write about her tonight because we all take different routes to getting where we need to be.I remember years ago complaining about my salary only to find out that it was way higher than some people I know. I felt so badly afterwards. But the truth as I now know it, is that you can always do better when you know better. To me, educating yourself, having a plan and following that plan through works for me. Whatever works for her, she clearly knows what it is. Who am I to stall her progress, even when i think that she is like a bull in a China shop? ............. We all want to do well. We want our money to be a security blanket. We want to be able to have a few things of our own. We all want love and friendship and laughter and vacations. I am so mindful now of living now and not getting bogged down in complaining and missing the present..and the present is named that for a reason. ............ My child was talking to me about college, and I thought about my expenses over the next few years and how old I will be. I believe that it is important to gift my child with the knowledge that although the world may seem a scary place, there is no need to be fearful within it. My role as the parent is to bring confidence, ability to think critically and on your feet...having a sense of fairness and regard...being yourself and thinking for yourself. All of this matters to me as a parent to my child. The things I want to gift, are things that I believe and hope shall serve in the best way for a future I have no knowledge of. ............ I have spent an awfully long time worrying about what money I do have, and about the things that I do not have. Now, I have worried them out of favor with my plans.

As things heat up with my personal work, I have one or two new projects on the horizon to begin to prepare for. In so doing, I realize that I now need a bigger space to be in. I am going to also spend some time again on a very old project that I have started and stopped at least seven or eight times over the years. It is such a strange thing, I have longed to see it completed, but that very fact that I don't is caused by wanting it to look very specific. At the talk that I did two nights ago with some other colleagues, I was asked twice to start writing more publicly. That was nice to hear, but I also realize that I gave the host an ok on what she read about me, and I left out so much of what I do, it was silly. But at the time, I felt that because of the forum,I didn't need to toot my own horn. I feel that finally I am coming into my own. I am seeing my direction. What's funny is that, it may not look like much on the outside. But because I know what I want to do, I am no longer thinking the way I used to. I have worked very hard to shift my way of thinking, and I have seen it pay off. For so long, I had a certain mindset. I knew that I had my beliefs that mattered to me, and then, I had the beliefs of my family, my supposed superiors and then the world at large that comes at you as popular culture. I have fortunately always felt a twinge of discomfort to things that fit too well. I am also distrustful of information that people parrot as though it were fact. When I encounter such things, my breathing slows down and I instantly find myself filling the information away to research just how true the conversation is. Without that, I think that the world would be completely unbearable for me. That, and of course choosing a creative career. I have also begun to just feel grateful for where I am and what I am doing. I have always said that I regret that I did not enjoy the moment more when I see old pictures of myself. Now, after facing the losses I have, I know that it is time to find my way again. Or at least to better. I spent a great deal of time saying that I cannot do certain things because I needed the money to do them. That was not untrue, but there were also so many things that I could do that do not take up a lot of money or any money at all. I need to focus more on doing and less on limitations, and I have been doing that. It's a good day, and I have good thoughts about everything now.