There comes a time when you have to close a door. I may not feel ready,but today, when I ran over certain thoughts that still march through my mind, the combination of experiences just called for a decision on my part. Sometimes, when I have decided to end something that has felt so familiar, I know it is for the best. But although it is the right move, it feels sad and upsetting, even when you know it. It isn't any longer about some sort of lightening bolt, reward sort of thing. You make a choice with all of the same feelings before the decision, in place. I have to look ahead. I have to look at my strengths, and they come at unexpected moments, where I hear myself saying things that help me go on. When I have to make what feels like a hard choice, I remind myself that I have faced things and persevered. I know that I have no idea what to expect, but sometimes it matters to just be open. To not have any fear in the unknown. Also, to trust that I can focus on better.

two

I'd like a trust fund. I'd like to work because I choose to and not because I have to. I would like to see all of my projects happen. I'd like to have a team of staff working for and with me. I'd like to have a space that I created from scratch. I'd like to go to countries I have never gone to before. I'd like a lover who suits me perfectly. I'd like the rest of my life to be about joy and beauty and fun, adventures and great memories. I'd like it to start now and to never look back at what hurt so much.

contemplation.

I am finding that I am changing in some little ways that tell me that the time I put in to certain things are indeed worth it. From the way I take a dance class with seasoned people, to how I now handle the moments when I feel sad or upset about things not working out that I really want to turn around for the better. It doesn't mean that my life is suddenly all joy and roses. I still struggle. I still hurt about certain things. I still beat myself up sometimes. But now, when I am in the beginning of such moments, I know that I am in it, and I know that it isn't something that controls me. I have a choice. Sometimes I can decide that I should just allow it, in a sort of observing way. At other times, I can say to myself that this is about to feel a certain way and I am projecting or feeling triggered. I may even indulge the feeling and see where it goes. The point is that in the past I used to brood. I used to sulk. I used to feel really put upon. I didn't know any other way to act. My journey has been a long one to finding a way to be in the world and to be happy to be myself. I don't even know myself fully. I surprise myself by some of my actions, thoughts and judgements sometime. Not everything I think or do, is fully realized. I can be prone to act without much thought.Or deeply analytical for the most trivial of issues. I may be moody to others, when to me, I am just being observant. This year, even my liking my own company and spending so much time alone, I challenged that. I finally admit that the two greatest relationships in my life that have ended,really changed my life - and I am still carrying the hurt and pain of those experiences, along with all of the wonderful memories, and I miss both of these people so very much. Have been wanting to find something like that again, and the void has felt so deep that I thought shrugging it off as not possible was enough. But, the laugh is on me. Sure I analyzed that I saw men as inferior. But these two people, I never saw them in that light. I loved them unconditionally, and I will never get over the importance they played in my life. I am not to "get' over it. I am to continue to know that I feel the way that I feel, and I am doing the best that I can. I have met people since, and I am grateful that I have glimpsed other interesting people who have chosen to share their time with me. I have been jolted by my expectations. I think that I have done my best to have an opened mind, and with it has come a better understanding of what I will and will not accept in someone I desire to spend my life with. I know that casual relationships are not for me. I know that someone who is secure in themselves is really important to me. I know that I would love to do fun, spontaneous things, travel, take long drives and walks, talk for hours, send cheeky text messages, Skype, laugh, eat, drink, dance, sing. Live. I have had the experiences I have had, I believe now, because I have been holding myself in and holding myself back, because in a way, I feel so restricted by my space and place. When I was alone when I was last abroad, I loved the time that I gave myself. But, I admit that I desire to share this with someone I love. I love being alone. But I am for the first time admitting (I think) I feel lonely. I feel lonely in that I miss having someone be just for me. It sounds kinda wierd to write it. I suppose it comes with all of the criticism and stress placed on my from without...from my former husband. From those closest to me who challenge me every day by weighing me down without even realizing it. It comes from my job, that I know I do well...but it doesn't pay me well. I cannot be satisfied by it because it doesn't financially do what it should.Nothing is the same as it was before. Suddenly, I can no longer walk this particular path. I feel out of control to ask for what I want. But I have been pushed so far, that now, I must confront what I want. I am actually afraid to say what I want. I thought that I was saying what I want all the time. But to me, I kept getting pieces of what I want. I make lists. I think about this question all the time. I make decisions like anyone else, constantly. Yet somehow, this year...what I want and what I say and feel I want just seemed slightly out of synch, kind of like the registration on a photograph being off. The picture becomes fuzzy and blurry. I ask myself, where is the path to me? I am always present with myself, but am I always aware of how much I desire? Or hurt? or rail against how things are going? I don't mean throwing tantrums like a child. I am trying to get to the crux of what I find I cannot articulate without pushing and prodding myself. I am determined to find my own answers to me. I can be so appropriate for the world. Dress well, sound polished. Be on point. I know that I hide messy behavior...like getting angry publicly, or not caring about whether I may say something thoughtless. That one, that's a big no,no in this world right now. Lol.This is getting quite long. I shall make this a two part thing.