thoughts to ponder

Something shifted for me tonight. I have been having moods. They have not been dramatic if I were observing me from a distance, but to me, they were tumultuous. It was the usual reason. I was feeling as though everything was passing me by. But over the last few hours, I have been confronting my feelings. I have decided for example, that I am going to do at least one thing a day that speaks to my confidence. I also am being more confrontational with my negative self talk. I now listen to myself go on and on and I observe what I feel, where I focus my thinking, how often...and can say that already I find that I can break up the illusion with better results. What used to happen is a dis-satisfying pattern of an attempt at positive re-enforcement that would seem to work, but then I would have crashes. This proved that all I was doing was creating a placebo effect. I think that the worst thing one can do is to think that they are doing better when all that is happening is a sort of brainwashing. You think that your getting somewhere, but your actually still very much stuck, and when you realize it, its even harder to get out of the malaise. What i did in this, the wee hours of Monday is place alongside my negative self talk another way to view my life. For example, this evening I brought up with my colleague who told me that I was being paid for all the work I out in to support a large scale project....that she wants to 'talk' to me about 'that." I know what to expect when someone says something like that. It usually means that they suddenly want to change what they told me to get me to work with them in the first place. My initial reaction was anger. I didn't show it. I felt it. My first thought about it was...why does this happen to me? Why do people think that I somehow don't need money? My next thought after that was... I think that I should just quit the fucking job, as it isn't really a job when there is such a hassle to be paid fairly. I let myself rant and then I dismissed everything I thought. Now this situation is not over yet. But already I am working on the outcome that I do want to experience. I replaced what I put into my mind with things that I prefer to focus on... the work that I do want to do. The things that I do want to accomplish...things like that instead. It doesn't mean that the situation will magically change. What it does mean though is that I (at least in this instant) will not go down the path of getting any more worked up about the matter than I can) After all, I am not faced with a way to change it at this time. What I can change is investing any more negative emotions behind it. In the past I found this the hardest thing to do. But last week I observed myself while in my 'mood.' I was lamenting the whole romantic relationship thing and noticed that my focus strayed to couples holding hands and the whole nine yards. Now that is a pleasant thing to observe. But I was looking at it with a kind of longing as though it was beyond my grasp, or that I had never had the experience...and I caught myself within the moment and saw the folly of my thinking. I was actually creating more lamentation...more of exactly what I did not desire. This bothered me, because I wondered how could I change the behavior? Surely this would be how I would always act? It was so subtle and seemed ingrained within me. But then, a tiny voice piped up, you change it because you will no longer tolerate the worst outcome. But not only that, the worst outcome is as much an illusion as the best outcome. Ha. Take that! With that, I felt miles and miles better than when I began.