Why do I usually end up writing when I am longing to sleep? My eyes are closing, and yet I must make three entries because I have wanted to come to this space for hours and days now. Not to write anything in particular. Just to meet an old friend. ........

I was looking at the Netflix show Billions. I like it a great deal, and the term, arousal template came up with one of the characters whose lifestyle follows the BdSm path. It got me to considering the language. I see a template as a fixed thing and arousal as a fleeting thing. It tickled me because it sent my mind to the last experience I have had where I was completely thrown off guard by my own feelings. Thus stated, my template was the timbre of a voice. The intensity of a stare, the smell of the chosen fragrance, the confidence of his stance, the stillness of his countenance. The quiet of his smile. The beauty of his person. The subtle give and take between us. The timing, the anticipation of the next move, the not sure, timidity met with determination. The hope , the easiness. The halting struggle within and the reward of more.

two points

It was suggested to me that I do a twenty-one day meditation for my ex-husband. I am on day two. So far I must state that I feel better for doing it already. I decided to do it when he sent me one of his provoking letters. It's been a decade, but he will not relent. I now find it less distracting than I used to, but I still react, however small. Eventually I will not react at all. I am nearly there. What was good about this last experience is that after I reacted, I got quite stoic and re-read his diatribe. I saw all of his language from a position of what actually mattered and what could or could not be done. Once I did that. I ignored most of his ranting and focused on the matter he was requesting of me anyway, regarding the only thing that keeps us rooted together. Once that was clear, everything else fell apart. ........ I have also noticed this week that i attract complainers. This is to my horror, because I do believe that you attract 'what you are.' I have been consciously cutting back on grumbling about things, but when I speak to people I know, they recite a litany of woes. I interject with as many positive salvoes that I can and most of the time I am able to talk them off the ledge. That's a good thing, but it has begun to tire me. I understand that if we all listen to media all of the time becoming jaded is inevitable. Yet, I am weaning myself off my diet of negativity...so perhaps that is why it seems writ large to me in others.

the vibes

Sometimes things come out of left field. A dear friend of my mothers' got in touch with me to assist her with a project. It has been an honor to help in any way that I could, because she has always been a dear person to me for most of my life. So you can imagine, I squirmed when she brought up her love life with me. I definately graduated from being a child to adult with that one talk. She usually speaks to me about my own life. She gives me advice from one divorced person to another. But this one was new to me. But as always I learn from any and everything I experience. She shows me something that I don't even think that much about, and that is getting older and having relationships. To think of myself at her age, I usually talk about never really retiring. But I do not consider anything else. But it is time to think about all of the things that I still want to do and to accomplish. Good health is key of course, and also taking care of ones mind...taking time to spend it on making myself happy......................her talking with me like that makes me want to state here some of the things that I want to write about myself. When you meet your husband at nineteen and then spend decades together, divorce sucks. However, I was on my own before I got married and even within marriage, I have not lost myself within it. But now that it is so many years later, I admit that a relationship is something that I do miss. I have also lost my best friend, so there is that too. I am much more solitary not, and I have liked that for so long, but now, I would like to talk on the phone, send texts, plan activities, go on a trip or two...have some fun and serious romance with someone I really feel comfortable, happy and loving with. Waw! I am writing that and not cringing at the admission. I miss having someone to talk to who gets what I am interested in and can discuss their point of view and we are an asset to each other. My heart actually feels warm and filled with emotion as I write that. Just a gentle, loving, sensual, rewarding relationship......hmm.