alone not lonely

We spoke about the uncertainty but necessity to work. The joy of the process. Family and their struggle to understand our need for space and quiet. We spoke about my father's death and her mothers struggle with dementia. She told me about the challenges of having a long distance relationship with the German guy she was seeing. What I liked as we talked was the fact that as she was saying things, she was working, and her strength in herself was and is so much bigger than anything else. I loved that. So many times I find myself admiring certain people, and what I am usually looking at is the visual of the moment. On closer examination I see that what I am looking at is what can only be seen as peace.

went for the visit

Visiting my friend was good for both of us. While I was writing that confessional the other day, I was conscious of my tone and my meaning. I have an ego on me.Lol. Naturally whatever I rcognise in my friend, I do because it is within me. She has her space set up for living and creating. It reminded me of the studio in Scotland. Being in her space was such an intimate thing. You can measure all of the effort. The main object being worked on in the centre of the room. A table devoted to a variety of flat pieces that were all stacked up. An area for her blender and grocries. A bag on the floor of her clothing. Two rolled up mats for her bedding, two fans, her phone plugged into the wall, always on in case of emergency. Her computer open on another table and a few chairs for herself and visitors as well as a few pairs of shoes for whn she steps out onto the compound that is relatively large and filled with manicured grass and huge trees. What it takes to do what we do felt so poignant, practically poetic. I cannot describe it really. All I can state is the awe of it all. It really is special to watch someone in action. The effort put forward is mindblowing. it is like watching a tigtrope walker from the ground. You do not realise that you are holding your breath until they get to the other side. When you work alone like that, of course all of your emotions come into play. You represent yourself, and so, you will want to take the temperature of others working in the same vein. Of course you want to represent yourself and your accomplishments. You have no barometre to take your own temperature. You only have the luxury of living and looking back to see your path. It is an odd juxtapositioning. You are absolutely free and within that freedom you are also anonymous.

The radar

A friend of mine has been contacting me lately, and it has been for two reasons. It is a weird thing, but I cannot help but be aware of the fact that getting a little buzz with what I am doing is something that they suddenly want to rub shoulders with. Yes, we chat and we are reasonably good as tentative friends. She is skittish, I am skittish. We have been through things. She also wants to pick my brain. I question what I am doing where that is concerned. I write about this with difficulty because I feel like I am exposing a secret. But really I am hitting closest to home because I have been in this position before. Thus, who knows what kind of friend I am now? I cannot be a true friend when people choose me. When that happens, I have my back up. If I choose my friends, then, that is another situation entirely. It suggests positions of power and that word also does not sit well with me. However, the relationship we have is what it is, and I am writing now because the talk we had today was so transparent. But I cannot blame her. When one is a loner, the only way for others to know about what your doing is to say so to someone relevent to listen. What's always good about what she does is it encourages me to also take my own temperature about my own intentions. We live in a little bubble and we are always looking at the ooze of colours.