The things that other people go through can make me feel ashamed to complain about anything ever. From my neignbour and her issues with her ex-husband telling her children that he does not want her to visit him as he has been ill for two years...to her daughter getting married and not inviting her. Then a friend telling me about a woman who has been paralized for the last twenty years and she is now sixty-two. However, that story isn't of compaint as she is married and has the resources to take care of her health. However, her situation is no doubt a very challenging one. I can go on and on with stories about people, but equally, there are many stories about people that are just amazing too. From my friends living in Portugal, to a couple I know who travel and spend the kind of time with each other that shows how much they love each other. They are always looking both happy and healthy and constantly doing great things. Or the girl I know whoes career has been smoking hot from the moment I met her. I have never met anyone who just goes from one success to the next. She has an ailment, but even with that, it has been arrested and she is just living a grand life. I know how I sound as I write this...there is much going on with my feelings right now. I am up and down in my mood. It is another day of missing my dad so terribly that I don't really know what to do with myself. I keep thinking that I should see him at any moment. I just have to deal with it. Also, with my work, I realise that although I am working all out, I have moments where I feel as though I am not making any headway. Then I begin to get very concerned that the work isn't worth doing, isn't going anywhere. I think that it is just the way I process things? Last year I rememeber this happening too. It always seems to be too much, too much emotion to deal with, but I have to.

Living my best life

That's a statement I hear a lot. Naturally it means different things to different people.But for me I find myself focusing on what about KNOWING THAT YOU ARE LIVING IN YOUR BEST LIFE right now? I ask myself this because when I think about my fathers' death, I realise that even at its most difficult moments, the fact that we all got to be with him was priceless. I think that every day that you get to wake up is living in your best life. Every day that you can call a friend, or think about someone you care about....or listen to the sounds of the birds outside your house....or feel the sun in your eyes and on your skin....or move your body around and scratch your head....or hear your tummy say its hungry...or drink a glass of water or hear the commands of your thoughts dictating your day....thats your best life.

As I was about to write I got a call from an old client. Today seemed to be one of those days where everyone wanted to discuss work that I have been wanting to do in the vein again. SO I was very pleasantly surprised and grateful for the interest. This weekend I visited someone with a friend. I have known her for several years and know that she has been having a difficult time for the last few years. I visited her with a friend of mine who also knows her. She also happens to live in the same compound that I lived in during my marriage, so going back to where I used to live, I wondered what I may feel. I was surprised at how much I did not feel any sentimental flashbacks. I had lived there and now I just do not. Visiting her,her circumstances are such that it made a deep impression on me. Last week I was at the receiving end of conversations about power and influence. So it was my neighbor complaining about her daughter's surprise marriage. Then a friend telling me about her confrontation with a colleague over a storage space. As all of these people are women, I ponder the questions of free will, choices and financial security along with what was stated before...so it is quite a lot to think about.

It worked! I shall continue to try the idea. I was able to see myself as male, a female completely different in every way to me and I paid for things with cash. Lol.

some dreams

This morning when I got up I had a notion based on a dream that I can only remember fragments of.The notion is not based on the dream itself but on a moral based on the dream, so even that is unusual for me. I am listening to the audio book by Phillip K Dick called Valis which is a great, trippy story. Yet still....it was about considering that a dream state is yet a form of consciousness...and IF that is as true as it appears, it means that I have the opportunity to create anything that I actually want when I am asleep. I have usually just been an observer or a passive recipient in my dreams and when I am active, I am usually acting as I do when awake.I have had a few flying dreams and must have had many active ones, but for this journal entry, I cannot think of one right now. The other thing had to do with recalling past dreams where I found myself somewhere where I am anxious about money because I am in an environment where I am buying something or I am in a hotel or whatever. It is an anxiety dream, and of course no one wants to be out somewhere and worried about such a thing. I have since had enough dreams where I have the opposite situation, in fact now I find the dreams ones where I have no concern with how or why or any detail about fgetting around and experiencing whatever the dream suggests. Of course I always feel when I get up, that I have had whatever experience during sleep based on what I may have done that day, the things that I respond most strongly too and of course...things I have looked at, listened to or combined. With this dream though, I summed up my life and the simplist fact came to me that nothing is reality and verything is reality, so whatever you are worrying about will be unless you release it. It just made me feel such a sense of relief and made my day.

My sister shall be home tomorrow! She was last here before our dad died in 2020. I cannot wait to spend time with her. Also my daughter's birthday is two days after she leaves. She's coming for a short time. I am happy about both events. It got me to thinking about what we focus on we get more of. I am being simplistic as usual, but it is based on something bigger. I was on Facebook for a few minutes this morning and came across a friend who goes out of her way to write every little detail about her life and day. She was complaining about something and I thought about that statement about what you focus on you get more of. If you want to have a different life, you have to do the mental and physical work. But I think like anything else that has to be changed over time, it takes conscious effort to adjust your old habits. I find it exciting though. I love knowing that a shift can do so much. I have been able to do it and I am expecting to do it several times this year to achieve quite a few things that I want to experience. Yes I am bigging myself up. At least I am stating that my eyes are wide open about changing my actions to meet the things I want to experience.