finding myself anew

When people are argumentative with me, and I stay very much in my centre and willingly aquiesce, and I do so because I chose not to argue or to match the energy that I see as wasteful...I am met with more aggression most times. However, that behavior is not as important to me as how it affects my direction. I write this because my direction is what I focus on after such exchanges. This year I have found that I am looking at experiences with people as if from above. I think that I can equate it to Neo in The Matrix. It is an exceptional experience. One that I am willing and able to explore more. Another issue has been about the fact that whatever choices you make, you face the consequences of the energy of that decision. That is simple enough. Yet, when things are not going your way, it is a cacophany of anger and drama that meets you as a childish reaction that gets triggered. Again, this is but a moment. It is kind of like observing wheather conditions. Things come and go, I observe the birds in the trees or an ant walking along the table. If I can see my moods in such a way, I can avoid committing to bad moods as the ones to obsess on. I think that at is something to take into consideration. I am always getting to know myself although I know myself. Some things stay with me and become a record playing in my thoughts. Those are the most challenging moments for me. Why do I do that? I've read and heard that it has to do with some inner beliefs that are so hardwired that sitting with myself over time and listening to what the actions tell me is part of the relief. Also, as I read this back I realise that some of this has to do with the need to be perfect, something that can never be attained. I saw in my mother a great deal of perfection in my mind. She still holds hersepf to very high standards and I admire and appreciate that in her demeanor. I would say that both of my parents carried this within themselves naturally to my child mind and teenage mind. Coming to terms with this fact is within the fabric of who I have been to myself.

taking my own advice

Already for the year I have collected a few experiences that are defining my resolve for my future. Some of the things, I have thought before and are reoccuring this year. One being, more observant, less reactive and saying even less than ever. So much is seen when you don't fall for reacting and speaking when others want to goad you. S I L E N C E what a beautiful thing indeed. Observing what and how I behave when I am unhappy. Complaining is such a trap. It is but a moment, but it is such an envolved one. Sheesh! Coming to terms with the fact that it is but a moment and that observing yourself within that moment is so restful and seperating, is such a freedom. U N H A P P Y It also makes me ask whether I plan to stay in that position or if I believe that there is more to my experiences, plans and hope than that? C O N F I D E N C E You do not know what life has in store. But you do know that you have the opportunity to sculpt your best out of it. I have asked this of myself. Particularly when I have caused people to be disagreeablewith me or in any way a discordance that I then repeatidly think about and I further then wonder about peoole pleasing. I just don't like when things disturb my peace to the extent that I cannot fix it. I am even getting carried away right now by going on about it...so there is still work to be done no doubt. F O C U S Don't get distracted by such moments too much. Find a way to accept and to continue on to doing my best.

about

I am about...famous words before optimism.

I have not written in some time. Of course so many things have happened, and I cannot begin to trace the time. But I am not here tonight to do that. I havebeen up and down and sideways. As my birthday approaches, I ask the usual questions when one is hitting a milestone. I have come here tonight with no plan at all, nothing to report although there is so many angles that I can apply. I am just taking a moment to remember that I am here and just breathing out.