Now that he has admitted to me that he shall be leaving, I found myself speaking to him from a position of power. This of course comes from the fact that I shall have our daughter all the time, and he shall not. He has not spoken to me about any of his plans, now that the decision is final, and I realised today that he is not as confident as he appears. He seemed tired and resigned. But he is just so committed to being the heavy, that he cannot seem to be anything else.
I understand what he is going through because I felt that way for so long myself. I could not get past being upset with him. To me, my feelings are still justified, but in this instant, there are no winners, just bad feelings all around.

New Job

I started a new job yesterday. I am extremely fortunate. I get to go out to work once a week to keep my hand in teaching and I get to spend the rest of time with my child. I cannot complain.
There is a great deal to be done at the school, and I can see several ways that I can make a positive impact.

One of the things that is good about this move is that it has energised my other projects considerably. I now feel a greater need to see my other obligations through, and to really find the best way to get the things that I need to get done, done.

Always something to contemplate

Yesterday an old friend dropped by and I was struck by my feelings towards something she said. I checked myself and realized that I felt that way because I feel stuck in one place. It is funny, how you could be doing many things, and feel very good about it, and then someone else can be the barometre for you to check yourself. So today I took the opportunity to feel the way I would really like to feel.
I know the answer isn't to get into some high paced, energy draining job. My job is my Art. What I need to do, is to start seeing some financial success for what I create.

new joys

In a few hours I would have sent work off to be exhibited and I would have exhibited another body of work, with sketches for a third show. I am in my element, doing the work that I want to do. But most exciting of all, I am making things that I want to see, and I am doing the work that I want to be doing.
This new technique is alot more dexterous, and there is a great deal of concentration on form. I am looking forward to adding more sturdy materials to the repertoire that I am presently working with, and to include artisans in what I am doing.
For the first time, I can see a straight thread through all that I am doing, and I feel a real buzz about it. In a way that I have not quite felt before. I always love my work, but this time, I see my ideas stretching into the horizon without any completely defined form, yet, clearly focused on expanding what I am creating now, and I love how that feels.
The energy that I have been wondering how to dispel, is finally being channeled as it should. I should have been writing about it here actually, but I did so offline. I had been having real issues with the occasional missing of sexual love in my life, and wondering how to handle it. When a relationship comes to an end, or at least my relationship, I have not been able to turn off my own feelings. Naturally I have my pride and my ego is bruised, so I keep everything bottled in and to myself. But I would be lying if I said that I did not miss intimacy.
I have been through so much for me, and I am learning every day, a bit about myself, my needs, my decision making, my hopes. It has been interesting to watch my own growth along with my little sweetheart.I am so happy to have her in my life. She brings me out of myself, and as a Cancer, it seems that that whole sheltered crab thing is true.
Again, I am happy to be finding my feet and to creating. I have never stopped, but now, I am more excited than ever to work on what I love.

the Dalai Lama is born on my birthday

Everything hangs on the outcome of a process of negotiation. It's got you feeling like a puppet on a string. But the more you see yourself as a victim of circumstance, the more you will become one. Your position is far stronger than you know.
~
After my tirade in the last post, I calmed down, took my child for our favourite walk and got centred. I learnt alot from my anger, and that seems to be the way things have been going.
I am experiencing so much, and at times I feel overwhelmed by how things seem to be coming to me. But in all of that, I find the avenues for learning and seeing how the universe works, too amazing to ignore the power of it.

This week, my birthday week, I have seen my ex-husband behave abominably to get his way, and for once, FINALLY I am seeing him without my rose coloured glasses. Finally I am seeing that I do not owe him anything. I cannot negotiate with someone who is controlling. He loves seeing me react to him. He gets kicks from engaging me and trying to manipulate me. It is obvious and troubling to observe his tactics. The oddest thing has been to listen to what he says and know that everything he accuses me of, I think exactly that way of him.
Yet, I must also have compassion. But, I also have to have the law on my side.

starting over yet again

After spending several months with my parents, it has become apparant that you can never go home again. The petty squabbles, the observations that get under the skin and repeated as gripes, all are the price paid for the kindness.
I realised today that I can leave. I have not really thought of it before as I have today. If I can go to the bank and withdraw a large sum of money to help my father buy a car, then I certainly can go to the bank and withdraw enough to have first and last months rent somewhere as well. It isn't a difficult thing to do.
Today I just got tired of the insults and the sense of disrespect that I keep getting from my father in particular. My mother just says things like, oh, he is diabetic and irritable. But no, he weilds words at me like slaps. Why would I put up with that? I have decided to leave.

Greateful

My dear friend and I had an evening like we used to have in the past when she had her store. I have been missing my friend and her councel. She told me so much about what was going on in her life, and I shared myself as well. But what was more important was the spiritual lessons learnt. It was so good to listen to her experiences and to see that my friend has grown and believes in what she is doing. It gives me the insentive to take whatever step is needed to meet my own goals.