sweet seduction

I got a blast from the past yesterday, and I am mulling over how to respond to it.

It is always lovely to be part of a seductive sparing, and that is what I am looking forward to~
and this person certainly is a master of the art.

When my ex came to collect our child today, I felt myself go into a bit of a funk. Of course I knew he would come, and of course he has all right. But I still felt upset. I decided to sit with the feeling, something that I am doing more and more and finding it very good to do.

When I did this, I focused on his personality, and that was very helpful. It made me see that his behaviour is a-typical, and it is foolish to react to something that I should expect.

I was very satisfied that what could have gone on and on, as a dull ache, was something tht I could instead feel, acknowledge and move past quickly.

Just feel

Yesterday my mother was very rude to me and I had an unusual reaction to what she said. First of all, I did not take what she said very seriously. She was being deliberately nasty. To me, this came out of nowhere. One moment she was talking normally, the next, she was venting at me.
But what made this moment different, was that I saw it not only from the outside, looking in, but also from the place of the hurt itself.
I decided to feel the pain, to observe it, as though it were an object.
In doing so, I felt what I was observing (abstractly) was to feel the word HURT,and it proved to be a funny thing.
When you confront it, it becomes less about the feeling you think it is. In fact, in a way, it is not a real feeling at all, but an action.
So I studied what it was I was experiencing, and I decided, and this is the key thing, I chose to just allow the feeling it's moment.

For me that was big. I have a tendency to feel emotional. I seem to take things personally a lot, and I am quite fed up with myself for that. I am hurt, and I am upset, and i feel wronged and I am shocked and I, and I and I...please, get over yourself already!

So, the ability to take myself out of the argument and to decide that the hurt was just an identifyer for the moment, was without question, huge for me.
To call the word, an action, I was then able to choose a different response for myself. I no longer then said (I feel hurt) instead I saw, hurt in action, and thus, something that appeared, was present and would dissipate shortly.

So, I literally gave the word it's (attention) like a fish might observe a human being swimming around in its natural habitat. There is a bit of detatchment, and no real meaning given to it, and guess what....the sting is removed completely!

Can I do this every time? i do not know, but it felt very liberating to be able to think this way.

Seeing that love is real


Looking at the vice presidential debate tonight, and going back and forth between rooms, putting my little one to sleep...the world has been so topsy-turvy this year! So much has gone on for me, for it seems everyone I know! Yet, with a possible world recession that may be on par with saying World War III, I stand, at least at this moment in a moment of perfect peace.

I can say this definitively because I feel the loving arms of my darling girl.

It is not a small thing.

It is a huge thing.

I want to honor her in my small way, here in this blog.

There are so many things that cause one's head to dramatically turn in every direction, wondering what is real, what is best? What to do?

Then my girl says to me, Mummy, sit here and I will sit here, and she wants us to just enjoy the wind and the chairs and the stillness, and I am reminded that I have not lost love but gained it...but, guess what, I also have it always.

A blog post from a friend that says it best about life

Celebrating life
Pass the chocolate, today I'm celebrating life. You might remember, today is the day, I don't dwell on it, or spend too much time agonising, it's over and she would've wanted me to go on living happy. Today I choose to celebrate my mother and Helen's life as well. Gone too soon, she's left behind a loving husband and three kids who will have to go on without her.

This could be a piece where I rail against cancer or unfeeling authorities who keep us in this state but I won't. Sixteen years later, I'd rather celebrate my mother who was a really great lady; who loved her family, who worked many hours a day to keep us fed, clothed and educated. My mother who stayed up late to sew clothes, bake cakes for school bake sales, finish work that she brought home . Sally, who put up with my father's rages, his cheating and his lies. I don't know why she did, but she did and died unhappily in a hospital after suffering for years. But she would have done anything to make sure my brother was okay and taken care of, she was kind and considerate to her parents, at work she was considered the best. For twenty years she worked for the same company, through their good times and bad; in return when she got ill they kept her job open for her, until almost the very end when we all knew she wasn't going back. And then, as a mark of their respect for her, they made sure that her affairs were looked after so that we didn't have to. I still remember her work friends crying at the funeral and the huge arrangement of flowers with her beloved orchids, the kind note from the boss's wife.

Ironically, it was through death that I got to know Helen; she was the lawyer who helped wind up my father's affairs after he died. My friend Carrie worked with her and asked her to help, she was a dream. I'd seen her around, we used to play mas in the same band and she and her husband visited the bookstore that I hung out in. We all got to know each other pretty well and over the years we dipped in and out of each other's lives. They were obviously in love, they had kids, Helen pregnant had a large stomach otherwise maintaining her rake thin figure. We all envied her like crazy. Always pleasant we shared some good laughs; I found her to be an intensely private person, devoted to her family and her job. Like my mom she was extremely well respected at work, highly spoken of by colleagues and clients alike.

It's easy to get bogged down in all the negativity in life instead of celebrating what we have. There's an exercise we do as part our team building exercises. Everybody is encouraged to think of three good or new things and share them with the rest of the team. It's amazing how hard people find it come up with three things. Everybody looks for grandiose stuff but really, it's a great way not to discount the good things that happen in our lives. Try and see what you come up with. For all my "angry" blogs, I'm really not wedded to the idea of being angry all the time. I'd rather have a good laugh with my friends, sit and look at the ocean, pet my dog and poke fun at the X-man; it's much better and a heck of a lot more fun.

Look at yourself today, are you hanging on to baggage; are you living on what ifs and maybes? Are you waiting for tomorrow to do all that stuff that you want to do? Are you dwelling in the past, rehashing every failed moment without learning from the experience? Do you beat yourself over your head with all the negative things that people say and do to you? Why accept this as how it should be. Live your life for yourself, don't allow other people to define you. Seize the moment and live in the now. After all, yesterday is a memory, tomorrow an unfulfilled promise, today is all you have.

A dose of cold water WAKE-UP

I was thinking about my ex, and as I stated yesterday, I was feeling down. But in the light of day, with a little sleep, I can see things a bit differently.
If my relationship was good, then I would not be talking about him as an ex. We would have been able to work out whatever it was that was conflicting to us. He would have viewed the situation that he felt was intenable from a place of sharing issues with his partner. instead he behaved like a dictator and still does.
If everything was so rosy, then we would have had the mechanisms in place to support whatever we planned, even if we had divergent views, which we did. He would not have tried to use low tactics and lies to get what he wanted in the divorce and he would not be still trying to get me upset at every turn.
Today, my sober reaction is where I should be right now. But I know that because I was with him for all of my adult life, I will fall back from time to time.

Will poor me ever leave me in peace?

Today I had a moment of great unhappiness with my ex-husband. I was hoping that he was making the decision to go, as he said. But it turned out that he is only going away for a week. I filled my thoughts with his laughing face and some pretty girl. But really, whether that is true or not, he still manages to upset me.
My friends say that I must ignore him at all cost, as he is deliberately trying to upset me.
When we were married, I would ask him, why was it that he found being nasty so easy and nice, so difficult? Why can't I just let him go?

answer:
He has been the only man whom you have been with for over twenty years, clearly it is not easy to just adjust to such a big seperation.

Also remember that every time you interact with him, he interacts with you in the same engagement of wills.
He asked me to email him, then he didn't respond and when I spoke to him about it, he tells me that his lawyer shall contact me.
He's being a dick, basically.

Tonight I just decided that I really have to consciously let it go. Much like the control I wanted to have over my pregnancy, and many other things in my life. I have to let what I would like to see here, go.
I cannot seem to have any level of hope on this matter.
What I must do though, is to be very clear about what I must do for my daughter and I, and that is starting to happen.

I just have to walk on.