my own take on my finances

When I was leaving high school for the real world of work, there was a recession. Then when I was leaving college for the real world of work, there was another one. You never forget them. In fact they unwittingly inform your life forever.
It makes you very cautious. It also makes you feel that when there is money, that you have some entitlements. So you have the tendency to say that you want some things like a spoilt child.

In my life, I have lived with my parents more than once. I was thinking about that last night. I have been in situations where I have had no job, and had to rely on others.
I realise that I have spent much of my adult life not expecting much for my effort because of the financial challenges that I have faced. I have been on the ground floor with businesses where I did not see a profit.
Now, I have been reading about money much more over the last few years, and I have seen my investments work for me during my divorce. So I know that I am a very good saver, and I can make things happen for myself.

I have come a long way from feeling that I would not have anything, to doing very well, to starting over. I have been able to look at money differently, and it took some doing. But I was able to do it.
Today I make plans and I make arrangements for where my money should go on a consistent basis. I read the fine print and I ask the relevant questions.
Before I had to spend my money on a lawyer and on relocating, I had planned on shifting some of my diversified portfolio. All of my money can be tapped at a moments notice.
Today, my money isn't what it was at the beginning of the year, but I have a plan of action about it in the next several months and years to come.

One very good thing is that I do not have very pressing needs. One cannot avoid spending money, and I know that my tastes can be high where food is concerned. I spend on that, and on my little one.
Of course I think about getting a car and having a house, and I am looking at what those things shall cost me.
I am also looking at other ways to make money too, so that saving can be accelerated.
Overall, I am being proactive and thinking about how to make things happen for myself, and I know that this is a long distance race and not a sprint finish.
I have a good attitude about it all, and ultimately I am doing everything that I am doing for my daughter to be comfortable in her life, with comfort in mine as well.

In the next few months I shall be looking at ways to invest a little bit of my money, say ten thousand dollars, diversified in a few high yeild funds. Funds that may now have to adjust themselves because of the world economic crisis.
I had thought that I should have invested at the time that I got a small windfall of money, but now I think that I was very fortunate to not have done that as yet, and instead done some homework on all of the funds.
Now that no one knows where the bottom is, and we are unsure about what will happen next, it is important to have some patience.

The financial global crisis is so unfathomable, and is imploding so fast that from one moment to the next , it is difficult to know just how to react to it. Every hour CNN keeps reporting another meltdown.

Yet, this is also a time, as someone on BBC radio put it, to...

* have your wits about you.

*project an air of strength

* be able to project a sense of confidence and an understanding that "this too shall pass"

* Act decisively

I was very happy to hear that. It is also a guide for life. It is inaction, panic, fear and rage that keeps you stuck when everything seems to be careening out of wack. It is so necessary to see it for what it is, even if it is happening to you very directly and you do not know what to do. You have to find it inside yourself to know with certainty that you can and will go on.

What is difficult is getting past the raw feelings that take you into a whirlwind of emotions. You feel stuck, you fel paralyzed to act. Then when you do, you feel out of control and scared to make mistakes, so then you do exactly that.

This is important to know how to really act, because these things come at you when you expect it least.

now that the time has come for seduction~

Now that the time has come for seduction, I am shy. After so many, many years with one person, the interest of another leaves me in a fret of emotion.
Yet what a change from sad, hurt and angry.

sweet seduction

I got a blast from the past yesterday, and I am mulling over how to respond to it.

It is always lovely to be part of a seductive sparing, and that is what I am looking forward to~
and this person certainly is a master of the art.

When my ex came to collect our child today, I felt myself go into a bit of a funk. Of course I knew he would come, and of course he has all right. But I still felt upset. I decided to sit with the feeling, something that I am doing more and more and finding it very good to do.

When I did this, I focused on his personality, and that was very helpful. It made me see that his behaviour is a-typical, and it is foolish to react to something that I should expect.

I was very satisfied that what could have gone on and on, as a dull ache, was something tht I could instead feel, acknowledge and move past quickly.

Just feel

Yesterday my mother was very rude to me and I had an unusual reaction to what she said. First of all, I did not take what she said very seriously. She was being deliberately nasty. To me, this came out of nowhere. One moment she was talking normally, the next, she was venting at me.
But what made this moment different, was that I saw it not only from the outside, looking in, but also from the place of the hurt itself.
I decided to feel the pain, to observe it, as though it were an object.
In doing so, I felt what I was observing (abstractly) was to feel the word HURT,and it proved to be a funny thing.
When you confront it, it becomes less about the feeling you think it is. In fact, in a way, it is not a real feeling at all, but an action.
So I studied what it was I was experiencing, and I decided, and this is the key thing, I chose to just allow the feeling it's moment.

For me that was big. I have a tendency to feel emotional. I seem to take things personally a lot, and I am quite fed up with myself for that. I am hurt, and I am upset, and i feel wronged and I am shocked and I, and I and I...please, get over yourself already!

So, the ability to take myself out of the argument and to decide that the hurt was just an identifyer for the moment, was without question, huge for me.
To call the word, an action, I was then able to choose a different response for myself. I no longer then said (I feel hurt) instead I saw, hurt in action, and thus, something that appeared, was present and would dissipate shortly.

So, I literally gave the word it's (attention) like a fish might observe a human being swimming around in its natural habitat. There is a bit of detatchment, and no real meaning given to it, and guess what....the sting is removed completely!

Can I do this every time? i do not know, but it felt very liberating to be able to think this way.

Seeing that love is real


Looking at the vice presidential debate tonight, and going back and forth between rooms, putting my little one to sleep...the world has been so topsy-turvy this year! So much has gone on for me, for it seems everyone I know! Yet, with a possible world recession that may be on par with saying World War III, I stand, at least at this moment in a moment of perfect peace.

I can say this definitively because I feel the loving arms of my darling girl.

It is not a small thing.

It is a huge thing.

I want to honor her in my small way, here in this blog.

There are so many things that cause one's head to dramatically turn in every direction, wondering what is real, what is best? What to do?

Then my girl says to me, Mummy, sit here and I will sit here, and she wants us to just enjoy the wind and the chairs and the stillness, and I am reminded that I have not lost love but gained it...but, guess what, I also have it always.