11.Stay at a hotel for a weekend.
12.Have a picnic on the beach.
13.Do the down the islands boat party.
14.Find love again.
15.Live in the moment.
16. Buy Art for love.
17. Get original jewellery made for me again.
18. Make love on a train.
19. Go on Safari
20. Kiss the one I love for ages.

my list continues

I have been looking at a sitcom on U-Tube lately called "The Game'. To my surprise I find it funny and very poignant too. At the moment, after the day I had yesterday, I am telling myelf again, and this time, I hope that it is really finally learnt...what I want to accomplish with my ex-husband is hopeless. We cannot communicate. Going out with him, thinking that it helps our child may be great on paper, but he has an agenda that does not include being nicer to me. He is only acting well because he still wants to manipulate me, and as of yesterday, he was right. I was falling for all of the niceness, when very easily out came the old him the moment that he could not get what he wanted.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.

Of late my ex-husband and I have been getting along better. Part of the reason is because he thinks that after all of this time, he can re-introduce the concept that helped push us to divorce in the first place.Only now, he thinks that I am in a better place to listen and aquiesce in some way.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.

I have not posted in sometime.But today I decided to change that. It is Carnival Monday and I did another presentation/performance this year. I was very satisfied with the experience and I plan to do more next year.
I can see much scope with what I am doing, and I am also working on a body of fantasy embroidery that I am enjoying immensely.
So much has taken up my time for the last few months. I find that I now go to my diary and work out my feelings, one way or the other. I allow myself to think dramatically in every direction, feeling out what possibilities make me feel. I am now able to look at things that can cause anxiety, with an understanding that it is only a moment and NOT my life or greater experience. I took quite some time to get to this place.

getting the lessons

Sometimes it takes something unusual to set you straight. I had thought that I had been acting appropriately under the circumstances. But today, when three people had the same strong feeling about someone close to me, I got very concerned, as I do not believe in coincidences.
Today, I got the lesson that although most times it may be impossible to change outcomes,and, it is so easy to not want to put yourself out for fear of hurts...life is not about protecting yourself from everything. You never can really protect yourself from every hurt.
I had to confront the possibility that things could change in an instant for me, and it made me anxious and sad and it also did something else, it made me feel very clear about what matters. So I did the only thing that I could do, I told him what I'd seen and heard and then I said how I felt.
I didn't say it for dramatic effect, or for him to like me... and I just put myself out there, saying what is true, because I felt it today when life suddenly speeded up and reminded me of how precious it is.

2010 reasons

It occured to me today that this date marks the start of another decade. Time seems to have raced by, so I am now going to make an earnest list of things that I really MUST do from now until 2020 at the very least-:

1.Swim naked in a pool and in the ocean.
2. Spend a weekend at a beautiful beach resort.
3.Have a candle-light dinner on the beach.
4. Have a long water massage under a waterfall.
5. Visit every country that I really want to visit...Japan, Portugal,Spain,Italy, Switzerland,Virgin Gorda,Argentina, Belize, Hawaii, Australia, Kenya.
6.Visit Tobago.
7.Visit the island chain particularly Cuba.
8. Spend a weekend and longer at a small, private Greek house near the ocean.
9.Enjoy fresh flowers around me in a vase.
10. Spend some time in a Moroccan house and experience the whole culinary splendour of Morocco.

I'll keep making this list as the thoughts come to me.

2010, a new year begins...