new directions
As I read over my post, I realised that I did not write about the latest circumstances with my ex-husband. We went to court and we mutually decided to end the matter.
This is a big step. We are communicating better, and I feel that with continued work, we can form a much better relationship for our child's sake and for our own.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Getting out of the zone
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Last night an old friend and I went to visit some friends of his, and I was immediately struck by the vast difference in life of some people,in regard to my little world. Because I am starting over, I am particularly observant right now of what different people in other walks of life are about.
I saw it instantly in my travelling, but now I am seeing it at home.
I felt a bit out of my element when I met a couple who have been all over the world. They have no children, and they have a large art collection. Listening to them talk about the work and the places they have gone to, I couldn't help wonder about my own life. I love seeing new places, and I have not done this enough.
But the bigger picture has to do with the old friend. When we left and went to see the next person, he was anxious to show us his family and pictures from a recently attended wedding where he was best man. Again, I walked into a home that was carefully decorated, showing the personality of the family. As i have always said, people want the same comforts that they see everywhere else, the flat screen television, the computer, the DVD collection, to have an entertainment area in their homes. My friend and I kept looking at each other and smiling, because he knew that for both homes, I was looking at the shifts of perspective and the things that both sets of people felt important to them.
This is an interesting time for me, because this old friend coming back into my life now, it feels like I am just picking up where we left off. it is so easy, so comfortable, and I am not certain why this is the case at this time. I have said that I want a lasting love in my life, I have no idea whether this may be it? What I do know however is that there is a certain sense of the delicious, the explicit in even thinking about him in this way. He comes with his own complications, and I am fully aware of them. We are no longer teenagers, and I cannot play with him as I did then. This time around I feel much the way he says he feels, so playing does not come into the matter now. It would be wonderful....but the timing...the timing is maddening...I have to say no, but I don't want to.
Friday, February 26, 2010
My little one said to me yesterday, Mummy, I can be whatever I want. When I heard this, I smiled. I also thought to myself, I learn so much from this little person. You hear this statement all the time, but, when you get older you wonder whether you can really say it, or even believe it.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
The words are powerful when you think about it. They allow you to live in the moment and not allow anyone to tell you what they think it means.
These words mean a great deal today, because I finally got the money that I was waiting on since September last year. The money was taxed, so, the little lee-way I thought I would have with some of the money...investing some of it, and paying off debts shall now possibly be swallowed up by debt repayments.
This was not how I wanted this to go.However there are messages in this experience that I appreciate.
This job, with this salary was one that looks really great on paper. However, in its safeness, it prooves to me that there is actually no such thing. In some way, you pay for the experiences.
What I have is not really a job. The sky is the limit for me.
I can do whatever I want.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I have been looking at a sitcom on U-Tube lately called "The Game'. To my surprise I find it funny and very poignant too. At the moment, after the day I had yesterday, I am telling myelf again, and this time, I hope that it is really finally learnt...what I want to accomplish with my ex-husband is hopeless. We cannot communicate. Going out with him, thinking that it helps our child may be great on paper, but he has an agenda that does not include being nicer to me. He is only acting well because he still wants to manipulate me, and as of yesterday, he was right. I was falling for all of the niceness, when very easily out came the old him the moment that he could not get what he wanted.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
I did manage to get something out of this experience though. I was able to come to terms with this much faster than ever before, and I concluded that what was achieved, I would live with and be satisfied for whatever it was worth.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Of late my ex-husband and I have been getting along better. Part of the reason is because he thinks that after all of this time, he can re-introduce the concept that helped push us to divorce in the first place.Only now, he thinks that I am in a better place to listen and aquiesce in some way.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
I have been feeling a sense of relief for this new development. But naturally I knew that this was also a shoe drop situation.
So today he called me all chummy, wummy, and then instantly got into his selling points.
I am grateful for all that he said because as I listened to him,more and more it became clear to me that I have come a very long way.
He has his vision and I have mine, and I am willing to listen to his opinion, knowing that my plans are also very relevant to me.
The old me would have possibly felt that my own views seemed too insurmountable and that he might know better, or have a stronger plan. I do not believe this anymore, and shaking off those old chains feels excilerating.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I have not posted in sometime.But today I decided to change that. It is Carnival Monday and I did another presentation/performance this year. I was very satisfied with the experience and I plan to do more next year.
I can see much scope with what I am doing, and I am also working on a body of fantasy embroidery that I am enjoying immensely.
So much has taken up my time for the last few months. I find that I now go to my diary and work out my feelings, one way or the other. I allow myself to think dramatically in every direction, feeling out what possibilities make me feel. I am now able to look at things that can cause anxiety, with an understanding that it is only a moment and NOT my life or greater experience. I took quite some time to get to this place.
I can see much scope with what I am doing, and I am also working on a body of fantasy embroidery that I am enjoying immensely.
So much has taken up my time for the last few months. I find that I now go to my diary and work out my feelings, one way or the other. I allow myself to think dramatically in every direction, feeling out what possibilities make me feel. I am now able to look at things that can cause anxiety, with an understanding that it is only a moment and NOT my life or greater experience. I took quite some time to get to this place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)