On a night like this...

I am in a quandary tonight. I am thinking of my ex husband again. I am remembering things from the past that make me smile. The more I think well of him, the more good thoughts flood out the bad. That's a good thing. Except, now I feel very sentimental about it all, and I am worried that now my heart is open when his has seemed to only be closed. In all of these difficult years, he has not once shown me that he can crack or bend toward me except to hurl unkindness. So why am I doing this to myself? Am I some sort of masochist? Why am I still so in need of making him like me again? I like to think and to say that we were once at least friends. We wrote to each other so much. We spoke on the phone constantly...he was the center of my world. Perhaps I am remembering all of this because it is important to remember how lovely love is. I go back and forth so much with my feelings, and it's funny because all of my thoughts about my feelings are anchored onto things that just do not happen. For example...I may suddenly in the middle of writing this, think of frequent flyer and wonder whether he is ok...and then feel torn between thinking that and thinking about my ex husband, when really, neither person is anywhere near me at this moment. They have no say in my life...I am just summoning thoughts. I am trying on emotions...I am muddying my intentions...my energy...because I am missing intimacy. I miss him. I should grieve his loss. Just grieve and get through. But then, I miss everything. I miss all the could have been then...everyone who could have been. But him most of all, because he was important for so long. ...... I wish I knew what I was saying. Somewhere in that muddle lies my intention. I suppose that I am desperately trying to find whether I have any real vantage point from which to act. I have these rogue feelings that I am trying to make sense of. But everything is a phantom because none of it has yielded any prospects. None of it, and I do not have any inkling of anyone new on the horizon to set all of this straight, and nothing seems to be moving to give me any hint of a direction and I feel damn stuck and frustrated...because my feelings are not going away. ........ So, let me try again.mwhat do I feel? An awareness of the beauty of real love with another person...the missing of a shared, adult life. ......... I miss my best friend. .......... Gosh.

Mirror,mirror,mirror

Tonight I did a quick read of this blog over the years. Of course I did not read everything,but I read enough. I did so because I was looking for some patterns of behavior on my part. I did not really see that, instead, I got the message of mirroring. I mentioned it a few times in my entries. But there was something that I did not see until now. If it is always you...then being upset with anyone is absurd. You are always creating a scenario that you created and plan to participate in. The question you should be constantly asking yourself is whether this story you tell yourself in this moment is about enlightenment or sabotage? Are you seeking drama? Tragedy? Thrills? What are you setting up now? Food for thought INDEED.

A lot of thinking

Ok, so this week I had some curve balls. It began with a message from Frequent Flyer. ( Yes, I am back to those nicknames again) This had been the end to a week where my ex husband and I had the longest conversation in years. I realize that to get anywhere with him, I have to do whatever I can, incrementally. What shall I achieve? I expect, what I have always wanted to achieve, which is to be able to communicate well with each other, and to make our future more secure, because, so far, all he has managed to do, is to financially frustrate. A very selfish move to achieve whatever he felt was worth what he wanted. But,I continue to even work on not being bitter and angry. I just have to forgive it and move on. It is the wisest course of action. So,I got this unexpected correspondence,and hesitated about my reply, but I sent it on, and then he called me. I was not far off the hunch I had of what he has been soldering through. I had an inkling when we last spoke face to face. This week really got me to a place where some feelings came to the fore that I am still thinking about. You can hold to certain feelings and acts for a very long time. A lot of it is habit. It feels really weird to backtrack on the known. It reminds you how very fallible you are. With my ex,I felt nothing but the shadow of our past together looming squarely from my person. There was also a lethargy. You fight so long, that you feel that everything is stacked against you and you have to think of a deeper, cleaner strategy. One based on revenge certainly isn't worth it. What you want to experience and what is actually happening. So, you use your thoughts, your energies to yet again put forth the strongest and best thoughts....and you just have to wait and see.

Yet again, I had left this page open for easy access and then lost it. I tried to get back to it with poor en tonight I just tried again and got in. Thank goodness. Tonight I feel quite mellow. I have been focusing on my projects and making some headway, and I am very grateful for that. We have had a change of government and my mum has lost an old friend, one I knew my whole life. While my Auntie's husband lost his brother. It has been a very eventful time since my last post. The time has indeed flown. My nieces were here and our cousin from London surprised us and was also here for three weeks. I had been feeling as though I needed a holiday after everything that we went through. Now that I am writing again, I still feel that a holiday for myself is in order.

Excetera.... My ex sent me a long message tonight.it was so bizarre. He actually thought that what he was writing to me was a kindness. But what he never takes stock of, is his arrogance. I needed a few moments before I responded, as I never reply to email that is orchestrated to get an emotional response. I don't know what to make of him? His words were a thinly veiled insult and more so, a mishmash of sincerity, hubris and disdain. He as usual, did not think through that message. You write a long missive, making seem as though you care, but you really don't and yet, you write as though you do for some fucked up reason only known to you. Laughable if it were not so tragic. What a waste of time. I long for the day when he stops in his tracks and feels really stupid for the way he has acted. Gosh! If only!

WTF

Ok, so I have been a hypocrit before. But jeez, I am now officially a sexaholic. Ok, not really, but,I kinda feel like it. Frequent Flyer and I had a torrid conversation the other night. It started out so innocently too. Then all of a sudden, he's probing and I am poking his probing and blam, it's on. It didn't go that far, but the point is that it was both delicious and comfortable. The good thing here though is that I am armed with history, so I think that I can be mindful about this. I need to be vigilant though,

Stop picking

I fell out with The Towers about two months ago. Every time I think about him, part of me wants to patch up the situation. But another part does not want to. That part finds that I have tried hard enough on every type of relationship possible with the man, and we are just not compatible. I have a bad tendency to go over something in my head, as though I need some other type of closure from him. But what sort of closure could I possibly want? This last falling out had to do with him clearly trying to make some sort of demands on me. I felt quite adamant that I was not allowing anyone, any man in particular to ever try to feel that he owned me in any way! So his words just made me feel revulsion. I do not want to apologize. What I do know is that I need to continue to do my work and my projects. I spoke with my sister about doing some business together, and that excites me. The fact that my mind likes to go over beaten down paths and trod ground , I shall just have to view it the way one looks at a scar or a cut.