I was looking for this quote the other day....the state of our nervous system is really what creates our perception of the world. I kept this entry open expecting some inspiration and it has now come from the most bizarre situation that I experienced today.I have been cordial with a taxi driver I have taken over the years. He usually talks a lot about a woman he is involved with whom he feels a sort of love/hate relationship with. He's discussed spiritual views, science...he's a pretty interesting guy until today when I got into his are, wished him happy new year and then to what seemed like an innocent comment from me...turned into something atomic. He says to me, you looking like everything good with you. I say yes, thank you,,,and then I make a self effacing comment I tell one or two people...which is....even if I am not good, I am great. From the moment I said that, he was on a rampage of words with me, saying that my comment was jingoistic (he didn't use that word of course) and that I offeneded him by bringing up my Buddhist doctrine. It was an absolutely weird exchange. At one point I suggested that perhaps we shoud stop the conversation and he could let me out. I even apologised for upsetting his sensitivity. In the end I had to get out of the car and walk away from him as quickly as I could as he accused me (rightfuly) of being sarcastic with him when he finally got to my stop. He left me feeling bewildered and stunned. I am certain that something deeper is at play. It is a perfect little cosmic puzzle that I know I shall be flipping over in my thoughts. What was most interesting is the concept of the standoff. WHen two parties are strongly opposed then they have to be mature enough to agree to disagree and to move on. But in that exchange today, I saw someone who was so combative he reminded me of my ex husband a bit, only he was worse if that was possible. I believe that this was because I had to take notice of it all, and I have.

The countdown begins for my sisters ten day visit next week. Two friends are already here. They came two days ago and we have already seen each other twice. This time of year os always frenzied and exciting, and I am now begining to plan how I am going to manouvre it. I think for the first time I am actually listening to that part of myself that says that it wants to be absolutely creative and I am going for it without apology. There are a few things that I have to research and I want to take advantage of the opportunity to do so while they are here. There are some things that I am going to do through the NGO I am associated with. Things through my tumblr and whatever it takes.

some new things

So many things are coming to a head. It is an interesting situation.My ex husband is leaving the country for a few months, he is not taking our daughter and she refuses to go. The new year begins some serious projects that I have not been able to do for some time, and it may be the proverbial new year wave, but I am feeling optimistic about everything, and I am not doing so in a Pollyanna type of way.I am simply thinking in terms of process and planning.

Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing; hold on through the awful; and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, ordinary, awful life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. LR Knost ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... It never changes, the way you feel when the year begins. Fortunately I also feel that way when the year closes as well. There is so much to say and to do. So much hope. Yet amidst that, there are memories that come quickly to make you sad and to make you wish for different outcomes, because there has been so much loss again in 2022 and expectant this year because it is always the case. I have to balance my anxieties with my hopes and sometimes one wins and sometimes the other does and also neither does at all. I choose today to be happy and hopeful and moreso, hope filled.

tantalizing

A years end always feels that way because it holds so much promise. It also whispers changethat inevitably includes loss. Yet, so early in the game we just want to ignore pain and focus on pleasure. My new year begins right now. I am excited to see many projetcs actually finish and have them in my hands.

fantasyreality

Keep opening your heart. First they will think you are naive and crazy. Then they’ll think you are a liar. Then they’ll suspect you to be practicing voodoo, as if their limiting ideas of voodoo being ‘wrong’ or 'evil’ are true. Then they’ll call you a whore and assume you to be placing spells. Rapid manifestation from opening your heart will come with all sorts of judgements about you. AND NONE OF THEM WILL BE TRUE. Good things magically arrive to those who do the work to open up their hearts. There is no potion, spell, or craft that can outshine true love. Because the greatest form of untapped magic is love, the highest frequency on the planet. And it is the embodiment of this frequency that makes you radiant, magnetic, and unbelievably unstoppable. India Ame’ye, Author, The Melody of Love, “Om” Wonderfuk That word was not expected, but I decided to keep it.

Doing what you want to do

Not having consistency in everything that you work at can make you think that your not really working, and your not really moving forward. However I no longer think that way. Being more strategic this year I have experienced a greater awareness and confidence by focusing differently. I am most satisfied by knowing that putting one foot in front of the other and actually acknowledging that it is a step and not being overtly ctitical of the effort has been very good. Another thing has been looking at that belief that I have had forever. The one that expects that no matter how hard I try things will not work out and that I am fooling myself...I have been able to finally dismantle that. That has been gigantic for me. I did it by being able to state not only'so what'but also to know that even if 'so what' produces the answer of so what being still on the edge of the old thoughtforms, I can now know that making mistakes are not so damn terrifying that I can't be ok. Mistakes get made anyway. This has been about how I see myself. How much I appreciate myself,how much I am my own friend...thoughts like that. I am such a cheering squad for others and have not been so much for myself, and I am slowly but surely coming around to how much more I can achieve with the mindset that I am creating. I read many years ago, enlightenment does not mean that your not going to feel pain. It means that you understand that it exists and that you can travel through it and be ok. The next thing, an offshoot of all of this is the ability to look again at things that otherwise I might have shrugged off in the past. It is like I can see more of the chessboard.