Hurricane Irma

at the end...

Someone I cared about and knew for several decades died unexpectedly last week. I was fortunate because they were in the hospital for a few days and I got to comfort them before they breathed their last. I'd never done something like that before, and that has made a significant impact on me. It has me asking what is the point of life? What is the point of some of the choices we make? I know that the best choices are made in the moment, more than half thought out one, or rolling dice. I feel so out of sorts with this death. It is an end of an era as it were. It means the end of many things I had grown accustomed to. It seems that 2017 has been filled with such experiences. I have been shaken from my comfort zones in very seismic ways. Its as though I was not aware that certain parts of my experience was gathering dust. The hardest thing has been the dis-orientation that I have experienced. Although, I know that I have that to do what I do next, which is contemplate what it means to me. In this instant, there is no going back. Everything has now changed. It is not that I don't honor change, it is that this experience opens up what I have to consider in the next few years, starting now. Life has proven itself to be so fleeting. I have all of these memories of talks, and dinners, and jokes and serious issues poured out over the phone. Nothing is promised. Nothing. It may be too early to try to find answers for myself, as, as I write I see how raw all of this still is for me. What is the point of all of this upheaval? Is it preparing me for the things I have stated I desire for so very long now? Is it that the only way forward is through such trial? Do I dare look at these things that way? Suppose that they are for the best and are actually godsends? Who is to know? One moment your talking to someone and the next they may be in the hospital or at deaths door. The uncertainty is challenging. To me, things have speeded up, if I am to ask myself what this death teaches me. Things have speeded up. I am unsure about my very existence, how much time do I have to do the things I want to do? My attitude has to change? If I complemented my creativity, I now have to pitch my skills out of the ballpark. If I felt I had plans for the next year, two, three, five, eight, ten, fifteen, twenty and so on, I need to think even better and ballsier than that! If I desire to have good investments, I have to be more aggressive about it. If I desire love,I have to go after it. I'm hurting, hurting about this death, and I'm saying to myself that I have to make my life count more than ever, to honor that death. Yet again, someone I love spent their last months in pain. They didn't spend it as they wanted to. That's hard for me to take. WHat's more, these shake ups confuse me, as if I am not confused enough most of the time. I find that things that I dismiss out of hand, I now must take a look at them. I find also that my logic is not the only thing I can rely upon any more, as exclusive as I would like to, and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I don't think that my instinct is working as well as it should, but then, I am not sure that its not for some things, I am spot on. I am thus,conscious of what I feel in the moment. I am uber observant. I listen. I slow my reaction down. I speak less. My mind races at night. I go back and forth about some issues and try to see what I understand certain things to be now. I take my emotional temperature often, and I try my best to be honest with myself. It is a process, and I am indeed a work.

F*ck, yeh

Irreverent title, irreverent, intemperate, kick ass thought. Dream, and dream big! Expect what you want. Set up in your mind that it is already yours to have. Don't worry about how improbable it may be. Just believe it completely and let it go. What do you have to lose? It sure beats the alternative. The speculation, the dumbing yourself down.The hiding yourself away, making yourself small. I just looked at a short video on the contrast between North and South Korea. It looks like what I was just writing...on one side, people looking happy and free and the other side. completely regimented. So which one will it be? The red pill or the blue pill? When I do my yearly introspection, I always find that I should have had more fun and less worry.I berate myself for allowing my mind to be in a funk, doldrums...fear...you name it. Why did I obsess about this or that? Why didn't I shake it off and just go for the best thoughts! When I read biographies of Artists, Writers and other luminary people, I always wish that I could see and know more about their work. When I read about their struggles with their lives, it is their creations that move me. I think that I focus that way for my own sake as well.To me, the energy behind what you bring into existence is an amazing thing. When I travel, I look at people passing by. I get an inkling of who they are, or what they may be doing as a career. I wonder about whether their life is good for them? Are they at the peak of their lives? Or are they struggling? This year, I had moments where I vacillated between doing or not doing specific things. I really wanted an answer to shift that position I put myself in, as it was driving me a bit round the bend. Make up your goddamn mind! In the past I would make a list of pros and cons. But in this instance, the list was evenly wighted! Agh! I would talk myself into a no for a whole day, and then revert to a yes the next! Eventually, I decided to experiment with exploring the intentions behind no only and then yes only. It took a bit of time, but it was helpful to not stare down either position. I left the decision, being able to do so, and the oddest thing happened...I found that it was actually a question put to myself about my own strengths and challenges. It had to do with perception and belief that something can or cannot be done. Once I exploded such narrow viewpoints, I actually liberated myself to say no or yes with conviction.

expectations

When I was a child, I remember asking a favorite uncle for a rabbit. I think that I hassled him about it too. He was really sweet to me, but I didn't get the rabbit and when finally I realized that it may not happen, I remember that I told myself that perhaps asking for a pet when I never even took care of a fish, might be for the best. I remember that so vividly because I believe that ever since then, I have always had that attitude. I believe that I don't really bemoan what I cannot have. In high school I had a beautiful large sticker with the saying; "If you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." I used to get questioned on that sticker. People would know their heads and say, hmmm, deep. Lol. Sometimes it takes more than old habits or sayings to minimize disappointment or expectations. Here is where you bring out the big philosophical guns...It's not meant to be, or, It's for the best. You hope that that would calm and soothe your hurting, yearning heart. There is nothing for some unfulfilled desire. Affirmations, prayer, begging? This is just how it is. Hopefully something else will come along and take your mind off of whatever it is that made your heart race. Perhaps you may be fortunate and what you felt you wanted was nothing, next to what is coming your way. You tell yourself. But, why is it that reward is all that drives us? The search for constant gratification? We discourage our children from it, but we all secretly and not so secretly are impacted by it. Of course we all want nice things, nice experiences...n i c e. with all the horrors in the world, we desperately need a lot of nice. we 'deserve' to have it. It is so funny. It is as though every character trait we have as human beings can be turned on its head, negative. There is no winning with anything we do. Our lives are incremental moments of, nice. But, none of us would change a thing for it.

It has been a tumultuous year. When I state that, I must be careful of the word, as it can always become even greater than that in the future. However, it is the right word, as this year, it appeared as though in the lives of my family and those around me, nothing was as it seemed. Life happened, but somehow everything felt speeded up, closer to the surface. Personally, things that I took completely for granted as a matter of course, was no longer a matter of course. In fact it was as though I were experiencing an upside down world. Comfortable belief structures became incapable of holding. Even the weather has been challenging. Amidst all of this, is my ever increasing awareness of time and how fleeting life is. How much things change, and how much I do not hold the answers to the things I seek. I have been greatly humbled, like a Boxer, yet, I never felt prize fighting in nature. I have nonetheless felt successes along the way. What lays in wait for me? My family? Our future? By extension, all those I have touched and shall touch in the future? I remember more than a decade ago, I felt that perhaps there may be safety in not making any new acquaintance. Perhaps, I thought, it would shield me from the pain of loss. "When nothing is certain, Anything is possible." Is a saying I love. It has helped me through the years from when I first heard it. It is like the saying, " It is what it is." Such words formed in a sentence has had the power to quiet my anxious heart. This year, I have felt as though stark reality, like a bright light has been shone on my face, and I am squinting, because, there is unexpected raw drama, and it is not coming from the usual places, but concocted in the air. It is fate or some such thing that is testing in an undefinable way. So, I want to believe in what i have believed, but like a hurricane or a tornado, it has torn me away from my footing. I have been left discombobulated, giddy. I don't know what I am dealing with and I have to dig very, very deeply to find myself again. Yet, after so much violence, like the pressure to create a diamond, I have held glimpses of beauty. At least I have had moments within myself to capture it.

Lord have mercy

I have not been able to sign in to this blog for an age!SO much has happened. Most of all, I am relieved to finally be here. I shall just state this for now.

The worldwind feelings that just engulfed me was such that I had a choice to make. I loomed between acceptance and sentimentality. Eventually I decided that it made the most sense to allow my feelings to just happen. Trying to struggle between the two was tiresome and pointless, I was getting nowhere. I do not know what the future may hold. What I do know is what I hold in this moment. Usually I have wanted to be the person who stays in the mind. Now, I am the person whose mind is staying on a certain person. I was profoundly affected, and I have not known what to do with myself ever since. So, I have come to this blog as a way to make sense of my feelings. The ego is never cut and dried. It is known that the forbidden or the unavailable interests you more, and this may be all there is to my attitude right now. I acknowledge it completely. I have looked at things logically, and when I have, I can dismiss my sentimentality, but I have not been able to dismiss it out of hand. When someone says the things you have longed to hear, and they lavish the attention that you have not received,to me, that has been a powerful thing. I was affected. So much so, that I want to believe that we shall meet again, in a better place where the things said to me can be made true. They felt so sincere, that I would like them to be as they sounded to me. That is my human frailty speaking.That is my wanting closure. That is my wanting a happy ending. That is hope against all odds and that is clinging to an illusion, fully blown. The reality is that I have to leave well enough alone. The reality is that no news is good news and whatever I am being shielded from is a mercy. I have been left with the best of the person. I just do not know what to do with this energy. I feel it, and it engulfs me, and I don't know how to shut off what I was made to feel? Bob Marley has an excellent quote that their is no greater crime than to open a woman's heart only to play with it later. Yet, I have felt that I have had this happen to me over and over again.Perhaps I have been thinking about this all wrong. What am I to learn here? Prior to this ending, I struggled with the belief that I could have what I dearly wanted. I felt so wretched and undeserving, I knew that I had to do some serious work before I could relax in the knowledge that happiness has not eluded me. What I must do is to continue to put forth the best feelings about myself and know that love is not a booby prize and something that I cannot aquire. Everyone is allowed love...including, me.