The worldwind feelings that just engulfed me was such that I had a choice to make. I loomed between acceptance and sentimentality. Eventually I decided that it made the most sense to allow my feelings to just happen. Trying to struggle between the two was tiresome and pointless, I was getting nowhere. I do not know what the future may hold. What I do know is what I hold in this moment. Usually I have wanted to be the person who stays in the mind. Now, I am the person whose mind is staying on a certain person. I was profoundly affected, and I have not known what to do with myself ever since. So, I have come to this blog as a way to make sense of my feelings. The ego is never cut and dried. It is known that the forbidden or the unavailable interests you more, and this may be all there is to my attitude right now. I acknowledge it completely. I have looked at things logically, and when I have, I can dismiss my sentimentality, but I have not been able to dismiss it out of hand. When someone says the things you have longed to hear, and they lavish the attention that you have not received,to me, that has been a powerful thing. I was affected. So much so, that I want to believe that we shall meet again, in a better place where the things said to me can be made true. They felt so sincere, that I would like them to be as they sounded to me. That is my human frailty speaking.That is my wanting closure. That is my wanting a happy ending. That is hope against all odds and that is clinging to an illusion, fully blown. The reality is that I have to leave well enough alone. The reality is that no news is good news and whatever I am being shielded from is a mercy. I have been left with the best of the person. I just do not know what to do with this energy. I feel it, and it engulfs me, and I don't know how to shut off what I was made to feel? Bob Marley has an excellent quote that their is no greater crime than to open a woman's heart only to play with it later. Yet, I have felt that I have had this happen to me over and over again.Perhaps I have been thinking about this all wrong. What am I to learn here? Prior to this ending, I struggled with the belief that I could have what I dearly wanted. I felt so wretched and undeserving, I knew that I had to do some serious work before I could relax in the knowledge that happiness has not eluded me. What I must do is to continue to put forth the best feelings about myself and know that love is not a booby prize and something that I cannot aquire. Everyone is allowed love...including, me.