stream of consciousness

Today I had a very important moment. It wasn't flashy, it was barely perceptable, but it encouraged in me to consider myself and my world in a way that I felt that it was very important to listen. My auntie and I had gone to the local grocery chain and then got back via the semi new driver taking us home. This driver had not taken us home before, and his car was quite rickety, so we both wondered what sort of drive we would get. He did however get us home safetly. On the way, I was taking in the view as usual. A large truch at one point was ahead of us, and he sensibly remained two vehicles behind. I thought about my morning. My critical anaysis of myself, deciding for the millionth time that I must change my diet and exercise routine. I reminded myself particularly to consider taking one day off for myself for that very reason. I heard myself, as I always do, but somehow this time, I was speaking to myself a bit differently, softer, gentler and with a certainty.I cannot describe it any other way. I wanted to stay in his car and listen to myself all day long. I was considering what I would do for my wellbeing. I was making plans that didn't feel stressful. I was guiding my mind along a path where I was just certain that every thought and decision made was not only going to happen, but already done and I was just enjoying the process. I had to come right to this page and write it all down. It was such a lovely moment that I deeply appreciated.

Almost

Sometimes there is so much to write and no idea where the writing shall lead. I have been taking a very long time on one of my freelance projects, but finally I am seeing some light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I am back in the valley and missing my daughter so much, and she, me. But we chat every day, sometimes several times. Her dad tells her that he shall not be going back to Iraq, and plans to stay on the island until she ends high school. His intention is to then move to Canada, hoping that she will go with him. Meanwhile my plans are that I complete the book that I am doing, then another one begins right after. There are two other personal projects that I want to complete and of course there is the magazine to do. My daughter now has a travelling bug, so we want to do a bot of that too. As I write I feel a bit overwhelmed as it seems that the year is just racing by. Do I have time? I take the moment to breath out and know that I am doing all that I want to accomplish.

Living up to the inside

A former student of mine has had a mini crisis about her way forward as an Artist. Listening to her, I have been able to look at her from the outside. She is feeling dispondent but she has so much going for herself. But the thing is, we all reach to that conclusion at times. No amount of prodding and complements can make someone feel anything else. So there comes a moment where you just have to realise that that person is going through something very personal for themselves and they may or may not get through it. This I find is the same for my ex-husband who has arrived back in Trinidad and has resumed things in his apartment. I have thus returned home, and now I am in the process of straightening out my space again. I have quite a few things to be done. We have a two day holiday coming up and my darling shall be spending it with me. He claims that he has no intention of going back, but that he wants to immigrate to Canada after our daughter finishes school. That is in late 2025. She has other plans, and she and I have gone over what she shall be doing from now to then and our focus is on getting her to where she wants to be. He of course has come back pretty much as he left...blaming me for everything that he feels he has not achieved, including now wanting to sue both me and my mother for ruining his life. This would be funny if only he were not so sad. I feel bad for him as our daughter sees right through him and is aghast at his antics. Anyway, we have our plans and we are moving on.

New ventures

Lately I have found my mood challenging enough for me to do the necessary thing. which is to be patient with myself and ask what's going on. This sort of thing feels like I am talking to a child, which I am. Lol. But, yes, I have been frustrated more than ever with seeing the end to my some of my personal projects. I have just completed a three document project and I was very pleased with the outcome. Yet, I am antsy about wanting to get to the next thing. As I am writing, I just realised why I feel this way. I am getting closer to the time when I start working on my personal projects. So of course I want to get going. So it should be as no surprise that a new project has raised its head and as always I have followed it like a dog follows a bone. I know how to go about making theis project happen, and I have begun it with information I already have. I have also given myself a deadline, so I am feeling very good about this one.

Exhaustion hits me, yet I am still going on adrenaline. The workshop on Sunday finally happened, and now I can work exclusively on completing the book. I had planned on just starting at ten today. But I think that I should take the day off. I am still so tired...and I am using it to do some research, so I am not not working. However, I also have decided to sometimes work at the hotel next to the apartment sometimes, as I had a meeting there on a new book yesterday. I am grateful for everything coming my way. Its consistency that is necessary. So although I write like this, I am still thinking on the job after that and the things I have to make. It is all good...I love every moment...I just need the finanes to add up and surpass all of the efforts that I put in. April has really leapt away.

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

I am in the presence of masterfilled writing. This woman is exceptional with every line of text. Her subject matter, harrowing! Yet, it is easy to push through every one. Doing the Break The Silence workbooks and listening while preparing them, I reached a threshhold. That was a good thing, as the book has gone longer than the project. But the workbooks subject matter of sexual abuse recognizers and the story,I made up my mind very easily. Sexual abuse must end. Simple. It must end and as an Artist, I shall do my part to the best of my ability. I cannot help it. I have an overwhelming opening in my heart that feels like it has spilled over and I just have to yield to the feeling of needing to do something right now and tomorrow and on to forever. Yanagihara writes to tear at the heart. She writes to tell us all that those who experience the plight of men and one in particular forced into sexual relationships he never asked for, that trying to fix them is not possible. The only solution is the most important one, to do no harm. She masterfully re-assures us of the fun and the love and arguments and pettiness and lives of her characters and then BAM something occurs that leads us down dark and murky paths and then we go down them again and again and then when we think we cannot go down another one, we do. I have been wanting to do a papercut video for the longest time. I have stills from of all things, The Candyman. I paused the scenes with the black cutouts until I was satisfied that I had enough to admire the technique. I think about the work of William Kentridge too. I just have to do something about sexual violence and children. Yanagihara pushed me with every single statement she wrote. She is the argument as to why the violence that we experience is so horrific. hurt people hurt people is a good enough bumper sticker. But we all say it and go along our merry way. How can we just turn and walk away? I had a conversation with a fellow Artist and good friend, and I was really passionate. I was asking her, where are all of the powerful female artists on our island? What were they saying? What were they doing? I could not recall anyone doing difficult themes. Or work that made me feel my heart beat fast. I get that from artists from our nearest islands! But not from us! I will change that! I am determined to make hard topics with my soft materials make a difference so great that I never have to ask that question.

While listening to an absolutely fabulous audio book called A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara, so many things are fodder for writing. I am in part three:chapter two. A question is asked between three of the characters about the future. I wondered when the last time was when I just projected my thoughts into that unknown date, just daydreaming like I might have when I was a teenager. I think that I must do it. I am leaving this here for now, so that I can go off and NOT write it just yet, but feel it instead.