humble learning

Today has shown me the use of energy in a way that I have not had a concrete way to look at it before. I was thinking about something from the past in my marriage that had upset me, but I did not come to any conclusion about it. Like a book, I put it away for later. When later came, I had an altercation with both of my parents over a very minor thing, and it happened because of a statement my father made that reminded me of the hurt that I brooded on earlier that day.

I was so shocked at my reaction to what went on. It was completely blown out of proportion. I was so heated and demonstrative, but moreso, shouting in a very emotional way. I could see myself and hear myself as though I were standing next to myself. I was not happy with what I saw.

I was most surprised by the way one small thing is not small at all, and no matter how together you may think you are, you can find out when you are least prepared, that you do not have it all together at all. You have deep hurts, and you still have to find a way to deal with them.

I am lucky that I like to write down these things, because, now more than ever, I feel that i need to make sense of my experiences.

new territory

I have not written in quite some time.Things have settled down, and we are now officially divorced. It is strange, but now that that is the case, he wants to talk and wants to be rational. It seems that marriage was preventing him from seeing straight. I am a bit resentful that he could not see all of these very obvious signs before all of this happened? But that is just the way that it is! Say la vei.
It is a strange feeling to now have to develop another type of relationship with him. But I am determined to do so, as the person I was when we married, was always concerned about his feelings and not upsetting him with things that would make him unhappy.
Not being married anymore means that I really don't have to have that concern. I can forge what I want to see.