new thoughts on old things
When the documentary "The Secret' came out, I got it on DVD and I looked at it a few times. I eventually made notes of the most important things said, and did my best to take it to heart.
But of course there is nothing like life to knock your carefully planned thoughts into both overdrive and doubt.
With all that has been going on, I took a moment today to ask myself, where is everything that is going on forcing me to focus? The answer was quite simple and clear, the worse things feel and get, the more the focus on them becomes apparent. Even the most well intentioned person may not be able to look past the reality of the negative when it feels so very painful. It is made worse when I look at my aunt, a strong, lovely person, who has just lost her house, through no fault of her own.
She wonders what lesson she must learn now? Why has this happened and when, if ever, will she ever feel safe again! Just looking at her go through that, breaks my heart. I can only look on. There is only so much that I can say or do to make her feel better. I cannot make her feel better. I can only try to be there for her.
It is within all of this that the decision to think in a counter measure came to mind. I must focus on what is better, how to be and do better. The answer was confirmed by my little one who helped with this,as yesterday, amidst arguing about some petty issue, she sat in her tub and enjoyed her bubble bath.
A reminder to what really matters.
I hugged her and thanked her for reminding me. She does it all the time, and I love her for it.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
stresses and strains
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
A few days ago I literally blew up at my closest friend. He was trying to cheer me up, but what he was saying had the opposite effect. When we hung up from Yahoo chat, I had to understand why I had been so uncharacteristically mean.
It was hard to see why. My family and I have gone through a number of strains and stresses that have definitely felt traumatizing. The need to scream, cry, feel anxiety and despair has been acute. Getting up every day and feeling good has been an effort, because every night has been one where you wonder what sort of news are you going to hear next?
However, I did the only thing that I could do under these circumstances, I sat with the pain and I worked through it. Of course one or two sittings is not going to create a fairytale. However, yesterday I woke up feeling that an Artist by profession is what I am, and last night, I did an exercise that has made me feel so very refreshed this morning, and that is saying allot.
The exercise was to imagine all of my immediate and future needs met, and also to see myself in eight years and explore how I fell then and what I have managed to do. Being in the future carried with it a relief with it. There was a definite melting away of the present and a warmth and joy to meet myself then.
This morning I wrote to my friend to apologize. I shall also look at answers to what ails me, and I shall continue to work on myself.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Enjoy your life anyway
This came to me today
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
I suddenly thought, suppose I do not get anything or anywhere I want to in life, what really would I regret?
When I do an introspection, I usually say that I should have enjoyed things more, and with thoughts of my ex, we should have had more sex.
It all comes back to more joy, period.
We act as though being argumentative,aggressive,anxious,whatever takes us along at the time, would somehow enhance our control over life when we have none really.
We may in fact love the weird game?
So,what is this 'enjoy your life anyway'really mean?
In some ways, it is so simple. It is as simple as seeing beauty in my surroundings.
It is saying to myself, hey, I feel like sleeping an hour later, or I feel like working two hours longer to get this project done.
It is about finding complete fullfilment as real in all things.
It is listening to the hunches, and not letting the sadness and stresses of life overwhelm me.
It is listening to my mind and hearing myself being more optimistic about what I want in the moment and moment to moment.
My job has been cut. It may seem as though I have gone through more than is reasonable to endure over the last few years. So many things have seemed to disappoint.Yet there also is an opportunity to look at things differently. No matter what you feel may be going on in your life, the question is, have you been able to enjoy the moments that really count?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Yesterday, my mother woke me to tell me that my aunt's house was being robbed, but that police had surrounded the house and apprehended the suspects. This morning my mother woke me again, but this time to say that the house that I grew up in, and that every succeeding generation has enjoyed, has been gutted by fire.
Again, my aunt was with us last night.
We have had heavy feelings for several days, wondering what was going on. Now we are all stunned at the rapid extent of the circumstances.
My aunt is the glue of our family. She is the one who has taken care of everyone. She is the one with a kind word,her last savings being spent on you for some frivolity you want. She is the one who says the prayers and tells you not to worry.
The whole neighbourhood knows her and loves her because she is generous to everyone. No one passes her house unhelped.
When something like this happens in your family, it feels like a very personal attack.
But the truth is, nothing could justify this situation happening to her. Nothing at all.
At this time, faith feels tested, life seems wicked, but we must turn from dramatic thoughts and look towards rebuilding, look towards better for all of us. We have not lost our family. We are pulling together. We know what matters.
My parents have the room to have her stay with us. We have already begun to rebuild.
Again, my aunt was with us last night.
We have had heavy feelings for several days, wondering what was going on. Now we are all stunned at the rapid extent of the circumstances.
My aunt is the glue of our family. She is the one who has taken care of everyone. She is the one with a kind word,her last savings being spent on you for some frivolity you want. She is the one who says the prayers and tells you not to worry.
The whole neighbourhood knows her and loves her because she is generous to everyone. No one passes her house unhelped.
When something like this happens in your family, it feels like a very personal attack.
But the truth is, nothing could justify this situation happening to her. Nothing at all.
At this time, faith feels tested, life seems wicked, but we must turn from dramatic thoughts and look towards rebuilding, look towards better for all of us. We have not lost our family. We are pulling together. We know what matters.
My parents have the room to have her stay with us. We have already begun to rebuild.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Maybe he's just not that into you
I just saw the movie and it was great. I needed to just wind down and look at something this weekend, after working all week on my project. I can see the progress, but I have quite a ways to go.
I am loving the work though. The movie was a big help to me. Of late I have felt quite sentimental, and I have been observing it with suspicion, trying to gauge why I should feel this way now. The movie helped jog me to the position that my ego, although I think that it is usually more sedated, when alert, it can cause havoc.
I have looked at all of the people whom I have found interesting, and now see that
they were just not into me. I can actually laugh about it, as the truth is that in the moment the feeling was great, whether what was shared was a laugh or more vulnerable feelings. The moment was special and that was all it was, a special, shared moment. To take it to another level, to believe that there was some sort of possibility behind anything was just pathetic. You believe what you want to believe.
So now, I must just 'get over' whatever I think anything is,I must start afresh, because no one has made me feel that they are into me at all. The signs are very much there that I have no one in my life who is interested in me romantically.
My dance card is empty.
I just saw the movie and it was great. I needed to just wind down and look at something this weekend, after working all week on my project. I can see the progress, but I have quite a ways to go.
I am loving the work though. The movie was a big help to me. Of late I have felt quite sentimental, and I have been observing it with suspicion, trying to gauge why I should feel this way now. The movie helped jog me to the position that my ego, although I think that it is usually more sedated, when alert, it can cause havoc.
I have looked at all of the people whom I have found interesting, and now see that
they were just not into me. I can actually laugh about it, as the truth is that in the moment the feeling was great, whether what was shared was a laugh or more vulnerable feelings. The moment was special and that was all it was, a special, shared moment. To take it to another level, to believe that there was some sort of possibility behind anything was just pathetic. You believe what you want to believe.
So now, I must just 'get over' whatever I think anything is,I must start afresh, because no one has made me feel that they are into me at all. The signs are very much there that I have no one in my life who is interested in me romantically.
My dance card is empty.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Yes
As I have been working every day since last week, and I must say, at last, on my show...I have been looking at a great deal of dvd movies. They help defuse the subject matter. The last time that I worked all out on this body of work, I soon grew depressed very quickly and had to find other things to work on.
So, I came across the movie, Yes, with Jim Carrey and liked it.
I like the idea of saying 'yes' to life.
What is nice about this hokey movie is that you find it relating to your own life.
What would happen if you just embraced what you really are?
How would it feel? What would you do?
I instantly came up with some thoughts right off the bat, and I shall write them here.
"YES"
1. Create my own comic book.
2. Start a site like Naomi Nowak's.
3. Publish books that I write and draw.
4. Travel everywhere! Starting with India,Japan,Mauritius,Australia,Indonesia,
Italy, Belgium,Spain,Portugal,Argentina.(to name a few places)
5. Fall in love.
6. Have a house that overlooks the ocean or at least stay in a gorgeous hotel that has an infinity pool.
7. Go to dinner once in awhile with people I love.
8. Swim naked at night.
9. Have an outdoor meal at the beach at night.
10.Sleep in a hammock with someone I love.
So, I came across the movie, Yes, with Jim Carrey and liked it.
I like the idea of saying 'yes' to life.
What is nice about this hokey movie is that you find it relating to your own life.
What would happen if you just embraced what you really are?
How would it feel? What would you do?
I instantly came up with some thoughts right off the bat, and I shall write them here.
"YES"
1. Create my own comic book.
2. Start a site like Naomi Nowak's.
3. Publish books that I write and draw.
4. Travel everywhere! Starting with India,Japan,Mauritius,Australia,Indonesia,
Italy, Belgium,Spain,Portugal,Argentina.(to name a few places)
5. Fall in love.
6. Have a house that overlooks the ocean or at least stay in a gorgeous hotel that has an infinity pool.
7. Go to dinner once in awhile with people I love.
8. Swim naked at night.
9. Have an outdoor meal at the beach at night.
10.Sleep in a hammock with someone I love.
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