Sometimes what you ask, is not the question...
It sounds convoluted, but today felt like such a day for me. It was another court date,and I felt that my time was being wasted. I was so upset that something changed in me. The level of impatience and disregard for the entire situation came to the fore. It was good that I was not required to speak, because I would have had some choice words and stormed out. I am upset because the matter is still going on, when I had hoped that it would have ended today.
I however have decided that it has ended for me. Although it has not, mentally, I am now looking at ways that My life can go on without this nonesense looming over my head!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
now what...
Pushing myself to actually make a big decision about my finances yesterday has naturally led to me wanting to do so with other things in my life. I am now chomping at the bit, saying to myself, what next?
I have a body of work to finish, and I am about a third of the way through. With consistant work through August, I should be able to finish and photograph what I have done as a complete body of work.
I also have two sets of experimental things to do.
But that work is never a now what premise,what I need ask of myself is what do I do next in terms of my plans over the next few months.
There is a relatively urgent need to travel. I have made very clear that the next time that I do so, I want to have the little one with me. There is also a really big trip that I have to be clear about one way or the other. Last night I found myself imagining being their with my little darling. I could see her being very mature, and at school, learning Italian or French.
What has to happen with these travel plans is financial certainty. That is always at the crux of most things, and these plans in particular.
I have to send out some paper work to certain bodies about one aspect of these plans. The other is also one where funding from outside is a high possibility because it entails education. So those issues are what I need to be focusing on next, and quickly.
Pushing myself to actually make a big decision about my finances yesterday has naturally led to me wanting to do so with other things in my life. I am now chomping at the bit, saying to myself, what next?
I have a body of work to finish, and I am about a third of the way through. With consistant work through August, I should be able to finish and photograph what I have done as a complete body of work.
I also have two sets of experimental things to do.
But that work is never a now what premise,what I need ask of myself is what do I do next in terms of my plans over the next few months.
There is a relatively urgent need to travel. I have made very clear that the next time that I do so, I want to have the little one with me. There is also a really big trip that I have to be clear about one way or the other. Last night I found myself imagining being their with my little darling. I could see her being very mature, and at school, learning Italian or French.
What has to happen with these travel plans is financial certainty. That is always at the crux of most things, and these plans in particular.
I have to send out some paper work to certain bodies about one aspect of these plans. The other is also one where funding from outside is a high possibility because it entails education. So those issues are what I need to be focusing on next, and quickly.
Friday, July 17, 2009
morning muses
My little one and I are both up at an ungodly early hour this morning. I've put on a dvd for her and my computer for me, and we are cuddled up in our quilts and mutually absorbed. In other words, a perfect start to any given day.
I've already had my coffee and little one has been fortified with her milk drink.
At this time in the morning, it is difficult to not be influenced by the quiet of the house, to feel that anything can be solved, and that life is as simple as you make it.
This week, I have given a great deal of thought to my next moves. My desire to put my finances in order in a way where I can eventually live off of my investments and travel, secure my child's' financial future and have a place of my own. All at once, the tasks sound daunting, and that is why I shall take everything one step at a time, as only one can.
A year no longer feels like a long time. But one of the best things about being alive today is that my age does not deter me, as it may have in a past decade. I suppose that this also has a great deal to do with health and with opportunity.
A simple shift in perspective can do wonders. A shift from thinking negatively to optimistically for example.
My little one and I are both up at an ungodly early hour this morning. I've put on a dvd for her and my computer for me, and we are cuddled up in our quilts and mutually absorbed. In other words, a perfect start to any given day.
I've already had my coffee and little one has been fortified with her milk drink.
At this time in the morning, it is difficult to not be influenced by the quiet of the house, to feel that anything can be solved, and that life is as simple as you make it.
This week, I have given a great deal of thought to my next moves. My desire to put my finances in order in a way where I can eventually live off of my investments and travel, secure my child's' financial future and have a place of my own. All at once, the tasks sound daunting, and that is why I shall take everything one step at a time, as only one can.
A year no longer feels like a long time. But one of the best things about being alive today is that my age does not deter me, as it may have in a past decade. I suppose that this also has a great deal to do with health and with opportunity.
A simple shift in perspective can do wonders. A shift from thinking negatively to optimistically for example.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
At the moment I am listening to a song my Michael Jackson called Heavan can Wait. It is absolutely beautiful! I have to say that in death, Mr.Jackson has blown me away again. Listening to his memorial yesterday, (which the entire world watched by the way)was awe inspireing. He made me feel as though I have been lying down on my god given talents. What he managed to accomplish in his life is dizzying!
He has left me contemplating his life, his death and his legacy.
He has left me contemplating his life, his death and his legacy.
Monday, July 6, 2009
new realisations
Today is my birthday. I had a quiet day and lots of people wished me well, and that was nice. But one person did not do anything, and this is the second year that he has done this. It makes it quite clear that things are over. But I still feel sad about it.
When am I going to get over it, as he told me I must? Why do I still care? It has been a long time, and yet, deep inside, I have not been able to lock off my heart. Is this pathetic? Probably, because what do I wish could happen?
There is no suggestion that things will ever be the same again, although I do not want them to be the same again anyway. I would want something much, much better.
Friends say that a new relationship shall negate the old. There is some truth there I am sure. But what of the fact that new relationships are not just falling in my lap.
I am very mindful of not sounding sorry for myself here, because I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think that it is about that either.
I am also listening, to understand exactly what I think I am feeling, or wanting.
Yes, I miss someone whom I have loved for two decades. I just do, and I suppose that I must allow myself to accept that I shall feel this way until I do not feel this way. Even if I may feel this way for the rest of my life...I won't explode for it. I will feel it, and sometimes it may be a dull ache, and other times I may even smile, I gather.It is just what is.
Today is my birthday. I had a quiet day and lots of people wished me well, and that was nice. But one person did not do anything, and this is the second year that he has done this. It makes it quite clear that things are over. But I still feel sad about it.
When am I going to get over it, as he told me I must? Why do I still care? It has been a long time, and yet, deep inside, I have not been able to lock off my heart. Is this pathetic? Probably, because what do I wish could happen?
There is no suggestion that things will ever be the same again, although I do not want them to be the same again anyway. I would want something much, much better.
Friends say that a new relationship shall negate the old. There is some truth there I am sure. But what of the fact that new relationships are not just falling in my lap.
I am very mindful of not sounding sorry for myself here, because I don't want to feel that way, and I don't think that it is about that either.
I am also listening, to understand exactly what I think I am feeling, or wanting.
Yes, I miss someone whom I have loved for two decades. I just do, and I suppose that I must allow myself to accept that I shall feel this way until I do not feel this way. Even if I may feel this way for the rest of my life...I won't explode for it. I will feel it, and sometimes it may be a dull ache, and other times I may even smile, I gather.It is just what is.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
reflections
The death of Michael Jackson is something that can be learnt from. I know that we have all possibly felt one of three emotions, disbelief, dismay and awareness of the scope of the man's work and reach. For some it may all seem like much to do about nothing. He was not on the charts in the way that he was in the 70's, 80's and 90's. But for most of us in the world, he represented a standard of perfection, that sometimes could not be looked at. I know for me, that his physical transformation bothered the hell out of me. I wondered how much further could he go, and whether he could reverse all of it after a time?
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
The child molestation cases did not help his image either, and I fought hard to understand whether he was guilty or innocent of those charges. Yet, amidst all of the ambiguity, his talent was unparallelled.
Michael Jackson impacted my life in an unexpected way, as impacts usually do. When his album Thriller came out, I remember being blown away by it. Like everyone else in the world. But what he did for me, was that he made me sit bolt upright and look at the media machine critically for the first time. He made me question the validity of art and he made me question the power of the god image.
It may be hard for some people to grasp the power and extent of this one album. I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had impacted the entire world. Little children and old people knew who he was. People have to understand that this was phenomenal! Then to top it all, he had this dancing style that just cemented the voice.
He had to be stopped.
He had to come down from that euphoria, that pulpit of ultimate power.
Familiar theme here, isn’t it?
It was almost obscene that one person could make such a gigantic impression on the entire planet. People talked about him in superlatives. I know that we see many singers and famous people today who we can say are great, and there is mania for them. But Michael Jackson was the first, the ultimate master of the media.
He did a music video and people raced home to set their VCR's. They sat around the television with their families and were spellbound by him. This was everybody in the family. Mom, Dad, grandma, grandpa and kids all screaming in the same excited way for one black man doing the moonwalk in celluloid.
I keep thinking that discussing him, listening for his music, checking out his dancing on U-tube, reading more and more, is just not healthy. The man is gone. He's out of our lives.
But then I think that someone so colossal, must be mourned. We cannot help but feel what we feel. Michael Jackson changed the world.
He changed the way we see ourselves. He showed us what is possible, so yes, he was god-like in that respect.
The awkwardness of this certainty comes about because it is rare. It is shocking to see that he was mortal. It is upsetting that we can no longer touch him and be moved by something new that he would do.
The mania is real, and we are all complicit in it, and again, he makes me look at the media machine, but this time, what he is telling us is, “feed yourself. Be the media machine. I am gone, and you have it in you, if you just move yourself.”
Shamon….
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