revelation time

In the last few days I have been doing quite a bit, and I am very happy about the outcome. After my ex-husband had that blow out argument with me in his car, I took a good long look at the situation, and I took hold of myself. One of the first things that I did was look at the whole 'poor me' issue, that I have discussed here before. But I went further, I also decided to be frank with myself about what my fears and concerns are. Taking a look at them, looking at them, and seeing where they were basic concerns that are normal, and that I can find a place of support even within places of doubt, was very helpful.
I have felt that the last three years have not gone as I had hoped. But I accept that I did not actually say things to myself,for example-: After a year I expect that I should be at 'x'. I did not actually think of myself from that place. I kept thinking that I had to look at what was happening "to" me. I thus placed myself outside the decision. Things were happening to me. I did not feel that I had choices and options, even when I made them.
So, what's so different now? It may seem really basic and it may be wondered how come I did not get this all this time? But the fact is that I get this now. My point is to really look at goals and to have a plan of action and a career path.
I have gone from one thing to another, and I have felt that things should go a certain way. I am over all of that now.
In a year from now, I am working at a job I love, my daughter and my ex-husband are in a good place both literally, emotionally and in every way. i feel better about my life, my Art career is back on track and I feel very good about the ability to make decisions that make me happy.
I will get there by putting one foot in front of the other, observe what is possible, whereever I am, and look for opportunities. I shall work on my attitude and expectations, and I shall succeed because it is all about the mind.

today went rather badly

Well, actually, it started out reasonably well. But then my little one decided to take a keyboard from the library belonging to my father and snip the cord with her toy scissors.As I write this, it sounds funny and charming. But it was not funny at the time.
This one incident made me feel so trapped in my circumstances.It made me feel hopeless in my hopes. Why? The repercussions of the event. The instant arguing over the matter by the people I live with who are my parents. Certainly they have all right to complain when their grandchild does something naughty. But in this instance, rightly or wrongly, their daughter gets criticized as though she too is the same age as her child.
But of course this 'bad' day is bigger than this moment. I hated having to call my ex-husband up and complain about what happened. I would have called Richard up, and we would have talked about it, and I would have felt better or at least had someone I love, and know, loves me so unconditionally, just be there.
Now I don't have that anymore.
Perhaps this is why I felt so deeply pained by this today.The loss keeps coming back in unexpected crevices of my life!
I want to move forward, and yet every move I make feels heavy with regret and hurt.
I was so emotional today that I said that the decision to curl up in a ball and die is one that I cannot afford to make. I felt so very low. I felt as though absolutely nothing I have worked for has worked out for me. I felt unloved, unliked, uncared for. I felt as though everything I am has been stripped away from me, and every move forward is sceptically plotted to be on shaky ground.
It got so bad that I had to sit in my stillness and will myself better.
I said to my ex, imagine that you caused me to be in this house, experiencing things I do not choose and all I can do at this time is to speak to you, the perpetrator, how pathetic is that!
At least he allowed me my bile. He allowed me to cry out and weep in my words, and I am grateful.
I step forward, and out of myself tonight, out of this tissue of pain, aware that it is but a layer.
I admit the lack of beauty of it all, and I make no guarantees to myself, but to say, I am surviving.

Time

My birthday was yesterday,and I thought about Richard all day. My grief is now about his last few days and last few hours,how did he spend it? Did he have any inkling that he was dying? I know that I shall have many moments of this sort of hurt and sadness that just cannot be shaken just like that.
It has come and broadsided me. I sometimes feel as though my balance is off,and things that I felt comfortable with are not as sure to me now.
However, on another note, my relationship with my ex-husband is improving,and I feel much better about that. I also got a really special letter from an old friend a few hours ago, telling me not to stop working, so that was very supportive, and deeply appreciated. I feel so up and down and I know that I just have to go through it.