Third lock down day

My island is in a 'State of Emergency'. I have never really been in this type of experience before, and I find it extremely odd. I feel a bit off balance by it all. It may be in part because of the strange information disseminated by our prime minister and members of her cabinet. They are getting important parts of their reasoning's confused and making many people very confused and uncomfortable.
This government has seemed quite wearisome. One of the reasons for such is the fact that there is way more media than ever before, so things are reported as they happen, and very little is allowed to settle.

Then my ex returned from his trip today. He decided to come to see our little one and asked me whether he could have her for the next few days. I miss her already, of course. She was so overactive today. She got up to all sorts of naughtiness, but, I appreciated everything although sometimes she truly tested my patience. She really did.

I wanted to write so much more, and so differently, but I am tired....nighty night.

What am I feeling?

The house is presently quiet and I have some lovely time to myself where I hear my thoughts over everything else.
I have been working a great deal, but when I stop for air, I realise that I am also feeling more so than ever, the missing of companionship. I know that I have mentioned this a great deal. I look my own company. I always have. But I am genuinely having a hard time (I find) with missing a man in my life. I suppose that when my best friend was alive, he provided much of that companionship.
So why do I feel so embarrassed to admit that this is how I feel? Is it that I do not want to admit that I want to rely on another person?
This may also have to do with still raw feelings of hurt where my ex-husband is concerned perhaps?
He was in my life steadily for over twenty years as well!

If this is what I have been given, no longer a marriage, no longer a long lasting friendship, then surely, it is this way for a reason?
Yet, I have spent great swaths of time alone and not thought on this topic for any stretch of time, but now, I am doing so?
So I notice the change.

However, I came to my diary tonight to think on something else. i was wondering about a curious musing....what have I been developing around me that is showing and growing because I have set them in place?
 In other words, I say that I want this and that....what do I feel from my instinct shall be the outcome of this and that?

How have I worked to put in actual place the wants and desires? Have I done enough to see that they actually happen?

I will not answer my question now. I just want to mull a bit.

what would Hermione do?

...so I am flirting with someone I shouldn't flirt with. He's committed, but on the way out...he says. Of course the right thing is to say see you later.

But I flirt nonetheless, I flirt because it is fun. I flirt because the feelings are mutual and just the right combination of no but yes.

I feel slightly guilty, but I want to fully embrace his back story. That sort of makes it ok.

But who am I kidding?

I know and I have said and he has even said, that this thing is something that makes his will weak.

I would not admit o that, but I now wonder about this here?

Akrasia?

Weakness of the will?

Akrasia?

I have my limits, my boundaries.

I know that there are so many women because I was one, who would actually be gald to know that they could skip the whole obligation. We go through such periods.

However, I also think that if he is honest, he should be completely open with her.

But then what?

Do I really want something more?



It has been very easy so far, because it has just been so very flirty.



But I must confront myself.

Calling myself names, playing Catholic guilt? Get off the neither here nor there cross.

I know all that.

But I still flirt?

Gad, am I addicted?
......until..

the latest

I have been wanting to write, but my computer is being fixed. I do not like using the larger machine in the library for correspondense where I want to get personal. But I just had to come here this afternoon. I need some me time.
My neice's behavior is such that I really need a breather from her. She is truely too much. If I even begin to write it all here, it shall become a long list of complaining and concerns that can stretch out and out for miles. So, I shall resist.
However, it now colors despite my intention, what else I wanted to write. So I shall stop for now and create a new entry.