What am I feeling?

The house is presently quiet and I have some lovely time to myself where I hear my thoughts over everything else.
I have been working a great deal, but when I stop for air, I realise that I am also feeling more so than ever, the missing of companionship. I know that I have mentioned this a great deal. I look my own company. I always have. But I am genuinely having a hard time (I find) with missing a man in my life. I suppose that when my best friend was alive, he provided much of that companionship.
So why do I feel so embarrassed to admit that this is how I feel? Is it that I do not want to admit that I want to rely on another person?
This may also have to do with still raw feelings of hurt where my ex-husband is concerned perhaps?
He was in my life steadily for over twenty years as well!

If this is what I have been given, no longer a marriage, no longer a long lasting friendship, then surely, it is this way for a reason?
Yet, I have spent great swaths of time alone and not thought on this topic for any stretch of time, but now, I am doing so?
So I notice the change.

However, I came to my diary tonight to think on something else. i was wondering about a curious musing....what have I been developing around me that is showing and growing because I have set them in place?
 In other words, I say that I want this and that....what do I feel from my instinct shall be the outcome of this and that?

How have I worked to put in actual place the wants and desires? Have I done enough to see that they actually happen?

I will not answer my question now. I just want to mull a bit.