Musings

My class today was very good with Charan. It brought back an old memory to me. I asked myself the question, what do I think my life was supposed to look like today? I certainly never saw myself as a divorced mother of one living at home with my parents.
I realize now that I needed someone to tell me some things back then that I am only hearing now. One of these things was that i should not allow anyone to tell me what is best for me. I had to tell a student that just yesterday when she began to cry when something that she heard, she believed to be negative.
I did have this belief that I was passionate enough about what I wanted to do, but I had too many doubts. I think that I needed to have people around me who understood my ideas and visions. But then, I did believe enough in myself, it was just that I never seemed to feel that I had enough money or some other issue. I suppose everything in it's own good time.
That what it's are pointless. But I did think that I would have had the stability of a lovely home, ability ton travel and a husband with whom I was still very much in love, who supported my ideas and vision and had his own successes to boot. Someone I really liked and who made me feel very comfortable and secure within the union.
We would go on family vacations. I would have had one or perhaps two children much, much sooner, and they would be nearly grown themselves. I think that that was what was supposed to happen. He would have been liked by my whole family and we would have spent vacations at the relatives in Canada and New York, but we would also have enough money to travel with hotel accommodations made.
That was probably the life that I was supposed to have made for myself. I should have had some business where my name was relatively known, I keep to a slightly pretentious , upper middle class attitude of privilege, and had only friends like myself, further securing that attitude.

I would be getting out of my Land Rover, going to my home in the best part of the country, considering what else I could do to keep myself well toned. I'd be happy, but wonder what life would be like if I had taken some risks.
......... It was interesting to do that exercise, somehow do not feel a particular attachment to that what if, as though I would have liked to have had it. Even though much of my present goals may be inside there somewhere.
I am here in the present. I have the chance to make the life I want to make now. I am not interested in a what if?

It's the where am I going now that interests me. Can I get an amen!