This past week, a thought jumped into my head.I know people who are having lives that seem really nice. I know that a good life is possible? What is this"good" life? A life where your child feels safe and protected, wealthy and healthy. You can plan to do things without second guessing every penny you have. You have friends who get you and support you, and you create wonderful experiences together. When you are by yourself you feel contented in the knowledge that you have built a life on your own terms and you look around and feel satisfaction about it all. You can go on vacation at least once or twice a year, and you feel energized and sated by the experiences of new things and friendships. .......... Come on now, that should not feel like some sort of impossible thing to create!

Little surprises

My month has been filled with a prodigious amount of work. I have been going and going.only stopping to rest when my body gives out, and I am far from finished. I still have quite a great deal to do before the month ends. Amidst all of that, frequent flyer has been keeping me company, along with my dear friend who was here last month. He's good at late nights because he operates on little sleep as it is. So imagine my surprise when FF writes me this morning to say that he shall be passing through for a few hours. Now, yes, I have heard this many, many times before and the last two times that he was here, I blew him off. So what makes this time different? I think that I have been worn down...although I do not want it to come across that way. I am not giving in. I really do want to see him. I always have. The wearing down has to do with my own feelings finally exerting itself. Although, I think that that interview that I looked at today of Oprah talking to Rihanna, something clicked for me. When I meet FF, I am curious to see whether he can instill in me a certain desire? I seem to be resistant. I only take things so far after all of this time, and more and more I am aware that I am doing this. I need to look at my relationship with my own father and my ex husband of late the latter runs across my mind and I recall many fond times. So, I think that a little observation of these thoughts and feelings is in order. More later. ............... Later FF did indeed meet with me, and everything that should be there is still there. However the time was so short that all we managed to do was to go for coffee and quiche at anew bistro. It was lovely to see him, and I made a definitive decision. I have concluded that I shall no longer place ANY labels onto our friendship. It does not matter what he says to me. I now have no expectations other than what we represent to each other in the moment. He has said certain things to me in the past, and I have felt very complemented. But just as I felt in his hotel room, when I went up at his invitation to check out the gorgeous view and the lovely space, I do not feel inclined to break what we already have. Not because I am particularly moral about it. Although that does matter to me, but because it is just not the time. We may always be in that space of "not quite right ."

I am just on to update what is happening in my life. The court matter resumed on Halloween and like some big joke, lasted only five minutes and then got postponed to January. I was so furious with my lawyer that I saw him do everything in his power to try to keep me from going "postal" on him. I wrote him a very stern letter about my money and time being wasted and made it quite clear what I want yet again, out of this whole matter. Later in the week, I then speak to a mutual friend of my ex-husband, and she leads me to believe that he has been telling she and her husband about us getting along better. When I tell her about court, she is so shocked, she really thought things were improving.Why is he misleading them? I have no idea? However, other things are going on, and yet again, I am ending the year feeling at odds with my best intentions when the year began. I thought that I would have closed off some projects from last year by now? I thought that I could say that I had saved a chunk of money by now and could finally see to some pressing things that I want done as well as still see my way clear to say that I have solid savings. Yet again, another year of working all the time, no vacation. In fact, I have not taken a vacation in six years! So why am I not financially stronger? Something has got to give. Also I cannot afford to think negatively about what I want to accomplish now. The year did not go as I had hoped, but give up, I just can't. I have to believe that something better is on the horizon for my little one and I.