Little surprises

My month has been filled with a prodigious amount of work. I have been going and going.only stopping to rest when my body gives out, and I am far from finished. I still have quite a great deal to do before the month ends. Amidst all of that, frequent flyer has been keeping me company, along with my dear friend who was here last month. He's good at late nights because he operates on little sleep as it is. So imagine my surprise when FF writes me this morning to say that he shall be passing through for a few hours. Now, yes, I have heard this many, many times before and the last two times that he was here, I blew him off. So what makes this time different? I think that I have been worn down...although I do not want it to come across that way. I am not giving in. I really do want to see him. I always have. The wearing down has to do with my own feelings finally exerting itself. Although, I think that that interview that I looked at today of Oprah talking to Rihanna, something clicked for me. When I meet FF, I am curious to see whether he can instill in me a certain desire? I seem to be resistant. I only take things so far after all of this time, and more and more I am aware that I am doing this. I need to look at my relationship with my own father and my ex husband of late the latter runs across my mind and I recall many fond times. So, I think that a little observation of these thoughts and feelings is in order. More later. ............... Later FF did indeed meet with me, and everything that should be there is still there. However the time was so short that all we managed to do was to go for coffee and quiche at anew bistro. It was lovely to see him, and I made a definitive decision. I have concluded that I shall no longer place ANY labels onto our friendship. It does not matter what he says to me. I now have no expectations other than what we represent to each other in the moment. He has said certain things to me in the past, and I have felt very complemented. But just as I felt in his hotel room, when I went up at his invitation to check out the gorgeous view and the lovely space, I do not feel inclined to break what we already have. Not because I am particularly moral about it. Although that does matter to me, but because it is just not the time. We may always be in that space of "not quite right ."