Big, FAT Lier

I have successfully dug myself into a fortunately shallow hole when it comes to my feelings. Perhaps here I can offload my shameful, dark secret that may not be that secret... I think the reason that I have not been able to successfully move on in a relationship of any kind really, is because I have not gotten over my ex. There. I wrote it down in black and white. I do not understand why I still feel this way after all of this time, when it is very clear that the only way that I would ever get involved with him again is if a miracle happened and he were to change so completly, that even I could not recognize him. Thus stated, my inability to move on is likely to have nothing to do with him, and simply the fear of the unknown perhaps? If I were to meet the ideal person for me, (as I thought he was way back when) then possibly, my anxiety may be dulled? I have learned a lot about what I will not tolerate and do not want. I can spot someone wasting my time and trying to play with me. I am much more aware of listening to my body and mind and focusing on what feels comfortable for me. I have discovered a charmingly wild side to myself that I want to push more and more because she's cool, and fun, sexy and mysterious. I like me. I like how much I have grown. I have asked myself the question many times. There are nights when I feel that I have passed this place so very, very long ago....and then so subtlety, so unexpectantly I get a sort of pineing feeling. It may be nostalgia? God, I don't know what makes it come up? I might be feeling a little lonely ? But I am soooo buzy, so focused on things that matter to me. So how come that can get through my business? Is it something that I thought I dealt with, but just have not? I thought that I had? I had to come to terms with rejection from the person I cared about the most. I have had to work on my ego. I have had to do quite a lot to maintain my distance from someone who has done absolutely nothing to make me feel that he feels anything but contempt for me. Not an easy thing for me. I am unused to this magnitude of dislike at such close quarters. I also do not believe that it is...you hate me, so I must be attracted to you to proove you wrong. That is a complete waste of time indeed. Maybe I should just chalk it up to a glitch in my system. When it comes up, I just acknowledge that old bug bear and say... Hey, there it is again., and shrug it off. It never lasts long. He makes certain to act in a way to Remi d me that hate is the agenda for him and no good light can penetrate it. So, there it is. What I can also do, is focus on what I would love to experience with a real person instead...lol. Project what I would so much prefer. Yep, I think that that is the way to go.