I read somewhere once that the biggest cause of grief is comparing yourself to others. I understand that fully tonight. My child tells me, when I am trying all sorts of pep talk to get some sort of compliance from her that I am trying to change or criticize her, and I know that in a way, she is right. On so many levels, I feel that she is doing exactly what she needs to do to be who she is, and that I and so many others like me, stifle who she and her generation shall become by placing labels on what they will come to know as possible. But moreso tonight, the understanding is about me. I caught myself thinking about my ex and got into a monologue as I always do in my mind about a conversation I would like to have with him, if only we could get along. Last week I did very well. I concluded that I have to accept that he would treat anyone else as he treats me and that I am nothing special in the bad treatment department, it is who he is. Now, I can add to that and say that, here I go again, being chained up by the belief that things MUST have some sort of order or pattern to work, and that is simply putting myself into another habit that will lead to frustration. There is nothing wrong with ambition, challenging yourself etc....but this is not about that. This is about wanting to control something that there is no way to do. I have felt soooooooooooo many leagues better since I just finally put down the gigantic weight of feeling that everything my ex did somehow was a stain on me, and my character was somehow impugned. He is really worse than voodoo, because I have let his words determine my progress. I woke up a few days ago resolute in the knowledge that this birthday coming soon,and right now, and every now, is an opportunity to start following the very BEST me, all of the time. Listen to my own plans and dreams, hopes and expectations in the knowledge firm knowledge that I will succeed because there is nothing else but success that I see.

How it goes

Sometimes I think that too much is going on for me to ever see my life from a better place. The more I try, the more things challenge my best intentions. Now written, I feel a bit better for having stated that. It does not feel as challenging. What it is, is the overwhelming sense that I get sometimes that nothing is giving in my life. There sometimes feels like there is no corner for adult joys. There is nothing that I am doing for myself that sets a moment apart where I am induging myself in something just for me. Lately I have been going back and forth on my feelings for my ex- husband. I lament from time to time. It isn't that unusual, after all, I was with him for two decades. I sometimes feel tired, wary, hurt still! Still reeling from how much more effort he seems to put into disliking me than he'd ever put into liking me. But that is a bit of an illusion. He has done this to both of his parents as well,so I am actually in an elite club. I miss him sometimes. And by miss, I mean the person that got me to love them. I miss that guy. Our child does not know that guy, I don't think. He only projects some of that person to her. Again, it makes me feel wary to think about that. I need distance from these feelings....but I wanted to at least not this down.